There's this moment in every kid's life where they find themselves and stop being a kid. It's usually when they realise something, an epiphany of sorts, and it comes when it comes. For some people it takes almost their entire lives before they realise it, for others they grow up as adults. It varies too greatly to be have any set limit, but it is almost certainly the turning point that sets most people up for life.
There's a child in everyone, young and old, and it doesn't matter if you've found yourself yet, it will still be there. The child is something that allows you to find the more amusing side of a situation instead of the perpetual boredom that life really is. For some people, the boredom is what makes sense to them, what they live off and how they live. Those people are usually logical, ruled by reasoning and rarely ever give way to their more emotional side where the child would reign.
Others treat life as nothing but a joke, clowns and other of the like fit into this category and deem the world as less than what they think on. These are the extremes and usually people manage to find a balance in between that they are suited to perfectly. However, it is usually found with the help of other people and this is where this story comes in; if you can call it a story.
I live as something like a stepping stone. A trial on your way to understanding yourself and 'growing up' so to speak. I have been left behind more than once and will probably continue to be left behind. It is depressing to know that I didn't notice when it was happening but sometimes young minds dislike dealing with that which has been settled.
I have not grown up yet, nor do I intend to anytime soon. Growing up is something I would like to live through life without understanding or knowing, but essentially something I'm avoiding because I can't face the fact that it will have to happen eventually.
I'm not exceptionally bright, well technically I'm more of a walking idiot that knows random facts that most other people don't know, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am possibly one of the few people in life that would rather analyse life than live it. Though I must admit the thought of living life isn't as appealing as other people make it to be. Especially since I dislike life as it is.
There are a few things that are hard to wrap my head around though, and one of them would be this idea of friends. It's a situation where you can lean on each other and somehow manage to get out of the mess virtually unscathed. Though it does no appear to be completely as lasting as you'd assume at first thought.
Theories surround it, some saying that friends are forever and yet completely contradicting that when they hate each other’s guts the next day, though that is an extremist's view. There are also those that don't ever find real friends because most of what they thought they could trust cannot deal with the differences that that person may have within them.
For me, I am a psychopathic child that insults everyone and generally trusts no one. I must admit that all through my life most of the friends that I have ever had are not exactly what you'd consider a real friend. The first friend, for example, was a girl that was only my friend through my nanny and her grandma. Since we would never have any other friends, we just stuck by each other for no other reason because we could.
After that, I guess I could throw myself into chinese school where I had friends that were older than me. And when I say older than me, I mean a lot older than me. They were more like the graduating class and I was the little children's group, something akin to kindergarten or something. At that point I was happy. I considered myself with friends, that was until they tore my heart apart, not to mention my mind, when they told me I was too young to be part of their group and thus told me to go away.
That hurt, but I could deal, the emotions are all that's left really, and even if it hurt me, I could deal, one wound is nothing. That was until I met Anna, or at least I think that's her name. She had a twin called Maddy, and as nice as Maddy was, Anna was possibly just as twisted.
Naive as I was, she told me things and I helped her pull off some mean twisted pranks and the like. We took one of the other students, a girl that no one really liked, and led her into the boys toilets from the banister. She went in, we got into trouble and that was the first time I had ever been told off by a teacher. I can still remember it, not to mention the suffering that it caused me since I can remember crying afterwards when we were supposed to be singing.
I can't remember what happened after that, but I think she left the school, either that or she just disappeared off my mind for the rest of the time. I didn't know what else to do so I joined back with my original friend and generally hung out with her. It was here where I found some of the more loyal of my friends in primary, the gang I hung out with for the rest of primary school.
It was in chinese school where the next addition to my life was made in the form of a little girl. She was innocent, perfect and altogether something for me to taint. I had started to get cold and cynical and I think I teased and made jokes that weren't completely nice of me, but she was accepting and made no comments about it.
Though she was young, she was much better at chinese than I'd ever be and I guess I envied her a lot, even though I tried to make sure it never showed, especially since I trusted her a lot more than any other person. But that ended the same time as chinese school ended and I can't even remember her name, just remember a glimpse of her face in my memory.
Around year 4 or so, there was a girl, I don't think repeating her name is a good idea but she was a popular girl. Very popular indeed, leader of her band and I was something along the lines of her friend. That is until I decided that I shouldn't have two groups and that I couldn't handle having two different groups that were so against each other.
It probably stemmed from the fact that her friends and my friends didn't socialise on a normal note and they insulted my friends more than necessary. So I sent her a note, told her more than once that I didn't want to be her friend and, well she didn't care.
Then she gave the note to her friends and cried over it, making it seem like my fault that she was so heart broken and I cried too, because I felt so neglected and if she had said sorry, I probably would have forgiven her and just forgotten about it all, but it was not meant to be.
After that, socialising with the yr 5's was nice, Yr 5/6 relations kind of thing, cept we were older and leading them along with us because it was so much more fun. We played kids games and generally acted like kids, happy moments in my life.
After primary, we separated a lot. My yr 5 friends lost touch, completely breaking off, and the yr 6 ones all disappeared into different high schools. One went to Canberra, one's in a private school somewhere and the other few are in Cheltenham girls high. I rarely see any of them anymore, our times don't coincide often enough.
So it's up to high school. I had no friends in yr 7 and liked it that way until school counsellors came and asked me questions on how I was settling in. So I hung out with a group and acted super cheerful when the counsellor walked past and the matter was forgotten.
After all of this the friends came and went, nothing really holding my attention long enough. School was easy and boring, I found it generally insipid and so I spent most my time reading. In year 8 people started to drag me away from my books, though that could be partly the reason why I found Reboc and Du Du. Meeting in a library and talking about books is not exactly an ideal way of meeting, but it worked for us.
We're still friends, Wendy came in last year and left last year, but essentially the bond is still there, though not as strong as it used to be. And now I'm stuck with everyone else. It's funny if you think on it, because I don't trust anyone after that.
It wasn't totally their fault, though my dad said something that I'll never forget, "they're not really friends if they don't even tell you that they're changing schools", and I couldn't help but agree with him, because it hurt so much to have all three of my closest friends leave in one year.
After that everything else was pretty much plain and smooth running, moodiness settled in a little more often than it used to and it could be blamed on so many things, but the cynicism that I had learnt is still with me right now.
It's stupid because I'd give my life to save people that I don't know if I can trust and I don't know if they'd ever do the same for me, but I'd still give my life for it. Stupid hey.
Oh wells, this is pretty much it for now, my life of cynical views and moody temperament. Two personalities in one person and hell of a nasty mind I have left over. I guess I'm cold and cruel now, a little on the sadistic side and perhaps a little insane, but I like the way I was. The way it was in year 7 and I want to go back to that, just for a while.
If you managed to get down to here I think you're nuts. Either that or extremely bored and hoping your name will crop up somewhere. Forgive me but I highly doubt that will ever happen unless I feel stupid.
