Gentle Sorrow
I’ve fallen for an angel, when I belong in hell.
Unrequited love or something akin to that I suppose. It hurts when you can see something, something so perfect and divine, and yet you know that you’ll never get it. They’ll always be beyond your reach. They aren’t ever going to hold you tight on a cold winter’s night, when the wind blows outside and you’re safe in their embrace. It doesn’t work that way, it never does, but you hope all the same.
I’ve done evils in my life that I know I’ll never be forgiven for. They are the embodiment of all that I desire, and I’ll never have them because it is the forbidden love which will never come true. I suppose you never know, but it still stands there as a gaping black hole in your heart whenever you look at them. I’ve hurt them before too. I’ve hurt them with my words, with the way I act, and the look of pain on their face, their coldness and anger cut me deep.
They are perfection. They are everything that one could wish for, the epitome of grace and power. They hold my heart in their hands and it’s almost certain that they’ll break it, because they’ll never know the truth. Is it so wrong of me to fall for someone I don’t deserve? I had thought that I wouldn’t love them. That it was idle curiosity for something forbidden, but the feelings have not passed. In fact, they have grown stronger.
I think of them, the way they seem to glow when they laugh, the simple purity of their heart and I fall deeper into a sea of emotions that I don’t need, that I’ve never really felt before. I dream about them. Simple dreams where we are together, where it’s alright to have fallen in love, but they are empty dreams. Dreams that will never come true and I know that they won’t because of what I am, because of who I am, because of everything that they are and represent.
If an angel fell in love with the demon, the demon would be redeemed, but if a demon fell in love with an angel, where would that leave us?
I need them like I need air, like I need to breathe and let my heart beat with every passing second. They’ll never know, they’ll never understand. They don’t know that I wait for a word from them, hold my breath for every accidental touch, how I miss them when I don’t talk to them or see them at least once a day. Do they know how worried I can become, waiting for them to talk to me, waiting for them to arrive?
This is killing me. I know I don’t deserve them, they are an angel and I am far from the purity that they embody, but I want them all the same. I cannot bide my time any longer. I cannot stand by and watch them with others without feeling jealousy coursing through my veins. Irrationality has become a second word in my vocabulary, but I am still nothing, I am still undeserving and I will always be less than what they desire.
My last night, my last breath, my last dream.
I’ve drawn knives along my skin before, just to see what it does, but now I am committing the final sin. I cut deep tonight; I feel the blood well upon my wrists and legs, draining me as I see their face in my minds eye. They have a worried look on their face, they seem to be afraid, they seem to be unsure of what to do and I feel like laughing but I’m too weak to move.
I pass out and I’m with them. They still ignore me here, they don’t even see me here and it hurts so much more than any knife. This is hell. This is my hell. And now that I’m here, I wish I had stayed alive, for at least there, I had my dreams.
How amusing in a depressing sort of way...well...crappy writing, but at least it's out of my head...
Unrequited love or something akin to that I suppose. It hurts when you can see something, something so perfect and divine, and yet you know that you’ll never get it. They’ll always be beyond your reach. They aren’t ever going to hold you tight on a cold winter’s night, when the wind blows outside and you’re safe in their embrace. It doesn’t work that way, it never does, but you hope all the same.
I’ve done evils in my life that I know I’ll never be forgiven for. They are the embodiment of all that I desire, and I’ll never have them because it is the forbidden love which will never come true. I suppose you never know, but it still stands there as a gaping black hole in your heart whenever you look at them. I’ve hurt them before too. I’ve hurt them with my words, with the way I act, and the look of pain on their face, their coldness and anger cut me deep.
They are perfection. They are everything that one could wish for, the epitome of grace and power. They hold my heart in their hands and it’s almost certain that they’ll break it, because they’ll never know the truth. Is it so wrong of me to fall for someone I don’t deserve? I had thought that I wouldn’t love them. That it was idle curiosity for something forbidden, but the feelings have not passed. In fact, they have grown stronger.
I think of them, the way they seem to glow when they laugh, the simple purity of their heart and I fall deeper into a sea of emotions that I don’t need, that I’ve never really felt before. I dream about them. Simple dreams where we are together, where it’s alright to have fallen in love, but they are empty dreams. Dreams that will never come true and I know that they won’t because of what I am, because of who I am, because of everything that they are and represent.
If an angel fell in love with the demon, the demon would be redeemed, but if a demon fell in love with an angel, where would that leave us?
I need them like I need air, like I need to breathe and let my heart beat with every passing second. They’ll never know, they’ll never understand. They don’t know that I wait for a word from them, hold my breath for every accidental touch, how I miss them when I don’t talk to them or see them at least once a day. Do they know how worried I can become, waiting for them to talk to me, waiting for them to arrive?
This is killing me. I know I don’t deserve them, they are an angel and I am far from the purity that they embody, but I want them all the same. I cannot bide my time any longer. I cannot stand by and watch them with others without feeling jealousy coursing through my veins. Irrationality has become a second word in my vocabulary, but I am still nothing, I am still undeserving and I will always be less than what they desire.
My last night, my last breath, my last dream.
I’ve drawn knives along my skin before, just to see what it does, but now I am committing the final sin. I cut deep tonight; I feel the blood well upon my wrists and legs, draining me as I see their face in my minds eye. They have a worried look on their face, they seem to be afraid, they seem to be unsure of what to do and I feel like laughing but I’m too weak to move.
I pass out and I’m with them. They still ignore me here, they don’t even see me here and it hurts so much more than any knife. This is hell. This is my hell. And now that I’m here, I wish I had stayed alive, for at least there, I had my dreams.
How amusing in a depressing sort of way...well...crappy writing, but at least it's out of my head...
