And so...

I screw up regularly.

I know I screw up regularly because let's face it, it's me.

Sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up pissing someone off or making them upset. That hasn't changed and I tell myself to do better next time, to pay more attention next time, but I can't...or I don't.

Is it bad if music tends to reflect my mood. I'm listening to Stone Sour - Bother, again. It's been years since I last listened to it and usually I have difficulty figuring out who I'm directing it to, but this time it's actually fairly easy to figure out who I'm directing it to.

I'm weak. I know I'm weak because, again, let's face it, it's me.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I wish that people wouldn't look at me and see me as weak, or useless, but that's not the way the world works and I should know that better than anyone else.

I've lived a charmed life. I've never really had to work for what I want, it usually just lands in my lap. I get things handed to me on, essentially, a silver platter. So when I actually have to work for something, I'll put in as much effort as I can, except when I put in effort it tends to fail me.

If I counted the number of exams and the like that I put in effort for and got good in compared to the number that I winged, I'd say that the average mark of the winged exams are higher by far. So I'm lazy. So I'm deliberately lazy and I deliberately avoid putting in effort because I know that if I do, it'll screw up on me.

That said, I've been putting in effort to keep my girlfriend happy. It's almost obvious where I screwed up. I'll probably screw up regularly too which really makes me wonder why she bothers.

Music change: Story of the Year - Anthem of our Dying Day

It's been ages since I last heard this song, and before the people staying over actually arrive, I should probably scream this song once to relax a bit. Maybe I should go and play piano, that's usually amazingly calming.

I miss her. I miss her all the time. It's stupid because I want everything to fast forward to a time when I can see her every day, but at the same time I'm terrified that if I fast forward, she won't be here with me when I stop.

I have moments, especially when I'm really tired or really sick, or when I slow down for a second and just think. I hate them because my thoughts are never good and my thoughts always turn to what I'm scared of.

I'm scared that she'll find someone better than me in so many ways. Someone that can look after her better, and I know she's independent and she doesn't really need someone to look after her, but she's a princess who deserves a knight, not some stupid street kid that just takes every day as it comes. Princesses deserve heroes and I'm not a hero, I'll never be a hero, and when I slow down, I start imagining her with the hero she deserves.

A dashing young man who can pick her up and twirl her around and hold her in his arms. A man with determination who respects her and loves her with everything that he is. A man whose hands and body is so much bigger than mine that I look like an idiot just standing next to him. A man who can take her places and give her what she wants without the drama and the pain. Life with me would be so much harder in comparison that it just doesn't make sense.

I can't take away her fears, I can't fix anything because I generally can't fix things. I wish I could though. So when I slow down and I think for a bit. Whenever I slow down and think for a bit. I thank everything I know that she's in my life, that she's with me, that I have this chance to be with her. I thank everything that is and everything that could be that I had the chance to experience something as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined.

Then I start remembering that my life is awesome, but it's not perfect, so she'll probably realise that there's someone more perfect for her out there. Someone that isn't annoying and stupid. Someone that won't push her into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and she knows that she doesn't have to do them. Seriously...fruits? nuts? swimming? she's healthy, she runs, her favourite foods are actually good for her.

The things she's asking me to change? Water? Exercise? Veges? I already know I should be doing them, she just makes sure that I get it done. I'm grateful for it, really I am. But there's nothing that I'm asking her to do that she needs to or should do.

I'm a shit girlfriend. I know I'm a shit girlfriend. So now I'm going to wait, and savour every moment that I can, because when she realises that she can do better, I'll just get left behind like usual. I just wish that I could savour every moment without feeling like it's the last one and feeling like my heart's getting ripped from my chest. That said, it's weird, because when the feeling comes, my right palm tingles and it sort of hurts but at the same time, it doesn't.

I miss her. I love her. I'm an idiot. I wish she was my forever, but reality says that that kind of love is too rare to happen to me.

Apparently I need to write

So it's been a very very long time since my last crush ended and my new crush has started.

If you rewind in this blog, you'll find a lot of writing on a person who (from memory) isn't ever named. To be honest, I failed as a friend and let us drift apart. I probably miss her more as a friend than anything else now, though that said, I've found other people that fill the void that she filled.

Is it weird that I thought that she was my everything, that she was something that I needed, and if I really think about it now, she never really deserved the strange infatuation I had?

I should probably clarify. She'll still be my first serious crush, but at the same time, she was never on my mind half as much as my new crush and I never needed to be around her even a tenth of how much I need to be around my new crush.

My new crush is my girlfriend. She's all kinds of awesome and all kinds of hot. She doesn't believe me when I compliment her, but I figure if I say it enough she'll eventually have to get the point.

I could probably go on about her for hours, and then she'd flay me because it's 1:40 am and I have work in the morning. The only reason she's not yelling at me now is because she fell asleep, as she tends to, while she was on the phone with me.

I have a feeling she's going to kill me for writing that up on a public blog.

To finish this off in a less depressing way than the rest of this blog, because this blog is insanely depressing, though I've forgotten most of it.

I love her, I know she loves me to. I know she thinks that I don't trust her as much as she trusts me but I hope she realises that I do trust her, just in a different way. She could lead me to a cliff edge and tell me to jump and I would do it. There might be a slight argument that would precede the jump, but assuming that she just wants me to, and possibly if she makes a cute sad face that I can't resist, I'll jump off.

I know I can't convince her that I trust her more than before and that it'll take a lifetime for me to trust in someone so completely that I don't feel like I'm going to be abandoned. I suppose I should explain to her properly the next time I see her, but until then, I'll just hope that she sticks around long enough to realise that I trust her more than anyone else in my life.

Sleepy time...or well...it was sleepy time about an hour or two ago...work's going to be so exciting...

Another age...

So apparently my girlfriend reads my blog. I don't really know why but there you have it.

Here's my apology because of tonight:

She moved with grace and poise that was probably a little more than necessary for the situation. I gaped, though admittedly it probably just made me look more like a moron than usual.

"I think I just saw a fly go in," she said without turning around.

My mouth snapped shut and I studiously stared at a nearby twig on the ground. A finger glided down my cheek and under my chin, gently tilting my head back up.

"I didn't say you had to stop looking though," she said, a slight laugh in her voice and an amused smile on her face. I could feel my face heating up and I tried to think of anything but the extreme embarrassment that comes with staring a little too hard at someone.

She let me go and went back to her previous stance, her body naturally leaning into stretches I could barely even dream of making.

One particular stretch had her turn her head slightly in my direction and I swore I saw her wink.

In a vague attempt to collect my scattered brains I went back to staring at the twig.

"What's so fascinating about that twig?" she asked, her tone more curious than anything else.

"It's nice and boring and...not half as hot as you," I muttered.

She seemed to catch what I said anyway and laughed lightly.

"I need a shower, I'll be right back," she said. She leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips before she disappeared into the house.

I sighed and touched my lips in mild contemplation. I wondered how long it would take before a simple kiss like that wouldn't make my heart beat faster and make me want more.

"And so the boring keep each other company," I said, addressing the twig.

The door squeaked open and I looked up to see her head peek through.

"You coming?" she asked.

I made a slight nod of solidarity to the boring twig on the floor before dashing into the house. The twig and I could stare at each other another day. For now, I had a hot shower with a hot girl waiting for me.

***

I'm really really really really sorry. I know I'm stupidly sensitive to things and I have stupid dreams that scare me all the time and tell me exactly what I'm scared of, but I never want you to change the way you are just because of me.

Love you.

Blood Part 2/?

I don't actually remember writing this story...so if there's something glaring wrong...I'm soooo sorry...

The pain woke me up. It made sense, but it wasn't something I was particularly happy about.

Opening my eyes to a squint, I looked around me. If I was unlucky I would be in a creepy cellar somewhere waiting for ugly men in suits to come in and drag me into a lab with a nice and happily cold metal slab in its middle. If I was lucky, I was still under the hospital bed that had been so conveniently placed.

What I saw made me open my eyes properly and look around.

No cellar or anything similar to it, and no hospital. Where in the world was I now?

The door opened, as they do after you just manage to wake up. It's like everyone has an innate ability to show up into a room the moment you wake up...friend or foe. The giant squid walked in. To be completely fair, she didn't look much like a squid anymore, but then again I could understand how my drugged up mind had drawn the connection.

"Glad you're finally awake," she said. Her tone was a lot more welcoming than the professional hospital voice I remembered. Apparently the drugs made her seem more like an evil doctor...somehow I missed the drugs.

I tried to shift into a more comfortable position but the floor was making it difficult. I also realised, rather belatedly, that I was actually chained this time and not in the good way.

"Relax," she said. I looked at her, incredulous.

She sighed and took out a key from her pocket, holding it up as though trying to show that she wasn't about to attack me. I watched her approach and unlock my wrists. She immediately jumped back, as though afraid of what I'd do now that I was free. The faint smell of apples drifted in the air around me.

"I assume you're in pain," she said warily. I was tempted to say "nah duh" but that seemed a little childish, even for me.

"I'll just get you some pain meds, don't go anywhere, please," she said, backing towards the door.

There was something faintly pleading about the please that made me look at her in a new light. Perhaps there was more to this story than I originally thought, at the very least she seemed vaguely invested in my comfort and that was better than most other people already.

It took her about five minutes of my pain filled mind to come back with a syringe. Now you have to understand, I’ve been injected with all sorts of strange concoctions and to be honest, I’m surprised I’m still alive from them, but this is probably the first time I’ve ever been happy to see a syringe. The effect was almost instantaneous and I was now even more grateful for drugs than before, if that was even possible.

“I don’t suppose you want to talk?” she asked. I looked at the squid. I’d actually forgotten she was here, which is disconcerting given that I’ve been trained to be fully aware of my surroundings at all times. I blamed the drugs and generalised pain for my lapse in concentration.

She looked at me as though she was expecting a reply. I realised, once again belatedly, that she had actually asked me a question expecting a reply.

“I wasn’t lying when I was in the hospital,” she continued, “I actually do need to ask you some questions.”

Now really wasn’t a good time. In fact, if she’d just wait until I didn’t feel like every breath was a competition I would have been more than willing to answer her questions.

“El!”

The squid, apparently dubbed ‘El’, spun around to face the door. A bearded, kind of scruffy looking man was standing there.

“Leave her alone El, we can talk to her in a few days when she’s healed a bit more,” he said. Internally I was nodding enthusiastically. I was grateful for them saving me, and if they knew what I am, I’m doubly grateful that they’re saving me, so answering questions in repayment was probably the easiest thing I’d ever had to do.

“But...”

“Elaine! She’s just had surgery. She’s not physically capable of doing much more than just breathing at the moment,” the guy said, cutting in before the squid could protest. She nodded and pushed past him, not particularly gently either.

There was silence as the man watched me watch him. It was a nice mutual watching session.

“I doubt you’ll try to escape. From what I know, you lot have a strangely strong sense of honour, and given that all we’re asking for in repayment is a few questions answered, I’m hoping that you haven’t been so twisted by those bastards that you try to leave without answering them. For now, the best thing you can do is sleep, and if you heal as fast as you’re meant to, you’ll be fit to fight by the time you wake up.”

The man turned around and walked away, shutting the door gently behind him.

Most curious. He seemed to know more than he was letting on but to be completely honest he was right on both counts. I decided that now was not a good time to question the hand I had been dealt and drifted into a slightly troubled but revitalising sleep.

The sound of giggling woke me up.

From the sound of it, it was a child, and from the faint smell of apples, it was probably a relative of the squid. I dared to open my eyes and sure enough a mini squid was sitting next to me, her finger poised over my stomach.

She was about to touch it when she glanced up, presumably to check that I was still asleep. When she saw my eyes open she promptly fell back, wincing as she landed harder than she wanted to.

“Mica,” hissed someone from the door.

I noticed that this child looked old enough to perhaps be an older brother, but given that the little girl looked six, the boy was only ten or so.

It was comical to see his face contort into fear when he realised I was awake. He was fast though. I had to grant him that as he quickly stepped into the room and pulled his sister behind him. He edged backwards, forcing his sister through the door, his eyes never leaving me.

The moment he was out of sight, I shifted my body slightly, checking to see if I was still in half the pain I was in before my questionably long period of sleep. Thankfully my body’s generally faster than normal healing powers had me back to essentially full strength already.

I sat up, regretting the fast movement when the room around me swam slightly. Apparently I was a little further from full strength than I thought.

Testing my limits, I tried standing. This was obviously a bad idea and I had never been more grateful for the squid’s timely entry until then.

The faint smell of apples surrounded me as I essentially snuggled into her arms. Not the smartest way to come out, but definitely the comfiest.

“Good to see you up,” said a man’s voice. The same man as yesterday, complete with beard, was standing in the doorway. There was laughter in his eyes and if my guess was correct, he was laughing at the squid’s expense.

I put my feet onto the ground properly, the extra blood flow helping me finally stand up on my own. The fact that I could do that was probably more thanks to my faster healing ability than some strange blood characteristic.

I coughed slightly and then swallowed. That was a bad idea. I realised fairly quickly that swallowing when there’s nothing to actually swallow hurts. Before I could wallow in that thought, a cup was placed at my lips and pure heavenly water was sliding down my throat. That’s twice in two days. I must be going for a record.

“Better?” asked the squid. She sounded a mixture of amused, wry and, dare I say it, concerned.

“Infinitely,” I replied, glad my voice didn’t crack or croak or some other equally embarrassing and creepy noise.

“Then you can answer our questions,” said the man.

My stomach chose this wonderful time to make itself known to the world. I’d been ignoring it for about three days before the extremely fascinating hospital trip. Understandably, it must have been fairly upset with me.

“After food,” offered the squid. I smiled. The squid returned it and for a whole second I was swept away with how different she looked genuinely happy. I almost named her ‘El’ in my head, until the light dimmed back down in her eyes and her smile lost its power.

Squid it was.