Forget

The night shifts slightly. It isn't a tangible shift but she feels it as though she was shifting with it, so she can't ignore what has happened. A silent breath is on the wind, not quite her own, but she knows it emerged from her body.

"I've been waiting."

The voice is her own, but she does not recall saying it or even attempting to say it. Despite the confusing and disturbing words, she feels oddly comforted that maybe everything would finally be over and she would never have to think about this again.

"You don't remember me," the voice states.

It's true that she doesn't, in fact she hasn't got a clue what's going on, but she feels comfortable with whatever is happening.

Whatever presence was with her disappears and she's left standing in the night, a breeze blowing her hair into her face and she can feel that the world is back to normal. A frown furrows her face as she tries to puzzle out what has happened, but she can't seem to figure out exactly what has her so tormented.

It wasn't that the voice knew her, or that the presence comforted her, it was that she knew that she should remember but she couldn't.

A whisper blows on the breeze. It isn't strong enough for her to catch all of it, but what she does catch sparks a memory that she had long buried deep within her heart in an attempt to forget it.

Soft touches from a stranger that felt oddly familiar and sweet words and promises in a voice that sent shivers down her spine. The same presence from before permeated her thoughts and she knew that this was who she had tried so hard to forget so that she wouldn't have to think about them every waking hour of every day. This was who she had fallen so deeply in love with, that the only way to move on from them, was to pretend that she had never met them in the first place.

Writing

The way this works is essentially simple. I think of something and then inscribe it. The way this therefore dubs me as psychologically disturbed is the fact that I inscribe it onto my arm with a Stanley knife. One thing to note is that I’m not trying to draw blood. If I did try that, I’d be breaking a promise I’d made to a friend long ago, but I do make it go white which then turns to red. Maybe I just like watching it change colour.

It burns you know? Not a lot, just enough to give me a satisfied ‘completed’ sort of feeling, though that might just be because I wrote the entire word down. She gets worried about me all the time. They all get worried. I might be perfectly happy one second and then, wham, I’d be down in the gutter in the next second. If it lasts too long I’d wind up sitting on my bed with the Stanley knife again.

I lost the Stanley once. So I used my nails. It wasn’t as easy and it wasn’t as fun or satisfying but it got the job done. I have my theories that they took the knife and hid it, but then again, I found it again later so it doesn’t really matter. She usually notices first. Jumpers and the like itch too much for me to wear them properly and every time I move a certain way and aggravate it, I wince a little. Not everyone notices, but that just means I get to avoid all the awkward questions.

See the way it started was weird actually. We were in a tour group or something and exploring the university campus. Then I got kind of freaked out by something and clung to her arm. Not the smartest decision I’d ever made considering I was crushing on her, but I can’t remember if I knew that yet or not. Either way, clinging to her arm served to calm me a little, but I think I was more annoying than anything else so she sort of ignored me.

That’s when I decided to try nails; something to just ground me a little more and remind me that I’m real. The pain was what made me feel again and so I trusted in it. Every time I felt scared I dug my nails into my arm. Eventually it got worse. I started running my fingernails down my arm to get a bigger sting and she looked at me strangely but didn’t say anything.

After that day, I dragged my fingernail down my arm every time I got freaked out or depressed. Then it got worse. I was in English class and felt like crap so I borrowed her scissors and dug that down my arm instead just to get it to sting. Later, her only response was ‘Now I’ve got your skin on my scissors’, and then a laugh before looking at me strangely and mildly concernedly again.

That was the beginning of scissors and other sharp implements. It was also the first time I tried to write words with a sharp object. My lines turned into letters, my letters turned into words and phrases and soon I was writing phrases the moment I picked up the scissors. Technically I only wrote one phrase or one word. It was either ‘Inconsequential Failure’ or ‘Inconsequential’. I think ‘Inconsequential’ became her least favourite word in the world.

The first time she noticed it. She covered the ‘in’ and said ‘you’re consequential’. I asked her about the failure bit and she just shook her head as though it wasn’t even worth looking at. It doesn’t really matter what she says though, does it?

After a while I began to get nervous and my temper flared quickly. I hurt her feelings more than once and apologised more than once, but it never made up for the fact that I’d hurt her. I can’t look at her anymore without feeling like I owe her more than I could ever give. That added on top of the fact that I can’t really look at her without wanting to just hold her and never let go makes for a lot of awkwardness.

I guess I’m venting a little; there isn’t much else I can say. I haven’t ‘scratched’ in a while, but it’s obvious that they’re still mildly concerned about it. Now it’s just half a memory and half a lie.

Trust Me

Let it slip, just that little further.
See the trees just around the corner?
I did that, but it's all for you.

There it goes, just cause you let it.
Don't worry, it'll be back soon.
How do I know? I just do I guess.

Can you still see it twirling around?
Yep, that little fella right there,
Just wait a little longer, it's coming.

Trust me? I know you shouldn't but...
Trust me? Close your eyes for a sec,
I'm not trying to trick you, honest.

Feel that there? It's come back to you,
Just like I knew it would. How'd I know?
It reminds me of me. I always come back.

KC - 24/9/07

I Hope

The trees sway in the breeze and hide me from the rain,
Catching the tears of the heavens so that I may be warm.
They remind me of you and how you used to hold me
When I was lost in the dark; so scared, confused, alone.
But you’re not here to hold me anymore, not now,
Not when I need you to save me from the real darkness.
I could scream aloud but you would never hear me calling,
You always did hate my voice. I hope my silence is pleasing,
It would be the best thing I’ve ever done for you.

There’s a scuffling sound that emerges from the bushes.
I run. Only to fall to the ground; my face landing in mud.
The tang of earth settles on my tongue, I gag and spit,
And yet the taste remains, like the taste of you used to.
It weaved with the scent of your skin to keep me safe,
To wrap around me and protect me from the demons I now face.
All my stench is hidden by the smell of death and decay,
At least I can no longer disgust you with my presence,
I hope my absence gives you all the freedom that you seek.

I lie upon the ground and feel an animal sniff my form,
I hope it thinks I’m dead and renders my flesh from bone.
My death would be unnoticed, just a body on the ground.
Just like the leaves that lie around me I would disappear.
I would return to the darkness and cease to exist again;
Who would remember me anyway? I’m just a waste of space.
That’s what you called me, that’s what I’ll always be to you,
So I hope my death gives you happiness. Know that
One more useless being is gone from your perfect world.

KC - 7/7/07

Some People

Some people deserve to hurt. Some people deserve to die and suffer for everything that they’ve ever done and all the people that they’ve ever hurt. I’m probably one of those people. I know that. I also know that she’ll never be one of those people.

I’ve been hurt a lot in my life. It’s not like I’m particularly special, pain doesn’t just seek me out, I just don’t deal with it as well as other people, I’m sort of weak. Some people can deal really well with it. They bite the bullet and they go through every day knowing that every thing is letting them down, but they’ll get through it. We all get through it I suppose; it’s just different how we go about it all.

Some people are weak. I’m weak, I know I’m weak. People can tell me to do something and if I don’t hate them, I’ll probably do it. Within reason, of course, but still, I’d do it. There aren’t that many people I hate out there, so I guess I’ll get run over heaps in my life. I’ll say I’m fairly lucky in life. A lot of stuff usually goes my way…but not always.

When I was younger…I did some stupid things. Most of the time I did them because my friend said it’d be funny and I’d do anything to please people. The teacher caught us out for it and told us off. I cried, but I remember that what she said was true. I live by that, sort of. If someone told me to jump off a bridge, would I? A saner person would say you definitely wouldn’t. I mean, honestly, it’s jumping off a bridge.

Now though? I probably would. Depending on who it was, I would jump. It wouldn’t be the smartest thing I’ve ever done but it wouldn’t be the most stupid either. People can undermine any power I’ve got simply by telling me to do something. I’m not obedient, don’t get me wrong, if people tell me to do something and I know them well enough, it’s not like I’ll follow without grumbling a little. I’d probably still end up doing it, but I’d at least grumble.

I don’t even know where this is going. I mentioned a she…a she who’s not like other people. She’s special. She makes things better. She could probably read me better than anyone I know too. Is it bad that I don’t trust her enough to tell her everything though?

Alright, I’m sort of tired, and I’m sort of depressed…again. I’m probably going to find that the fastest way to cheer up would be to kill all the people who have ever used me before. That would be one hell of a long and interesting line of dead bodies, though it’d still be ultimately useless.

I should stop. I should probably write something else now. Clear the system sort of thing.

Don't Mind Me

So I wouldn't normally write this here, but I forgot that I'd actually deleted my other blog that had been set up for this in the first place.

I failed my driving test today.

That in itself doesn't really matter much but when we came home mum let it slip that dad had planned to take us to the blue mountains tomorrow to sort of celebrate. And well...I can't drive faster than 80 on my L's so it's not like we're going. Still...can't help feeling like crap for stuffing up dad's plans. Even if it wasn't 100% my fault...who knew that sitting there for 5 seconds indicating would be the difference between passing and failing.

So it's waiting until August and then hoping to pass...again...except this time I'm not gonna have anything to fall back on if I fail...

Right...vented...don't mind me

Remembering

Note: It doesn't really make sense...but it made me feel a little better I guess

It’s too bright here. I can’t seem to stop seeing things and all I want is the blissful darkness to draw me in and make me disappear. Did you know that when I look into the black, sometimes I imagine I can see you? Not just see you though; it’ll be sort of like imagining what you’re doing. I remember scenes. Not just a picture of you in my head, but an entire scene that captures the very essence of who you are.

For my dad, I remember this time he was fixing something in the ceiling. He was sweating and had some kind of chalky stuff covering him. The way I remember it, he was looking up at the ceiling, the ladder was behind him, and I was still so young that I had to look up so I can see him at a sort of angle. His glasses were dirty but he looked like he was concentrating really hard and he had a sort of furrow between his eyes from sort of squinting up. It didn’t really help that there was stuff still falling down.

That’s how I remember though, just random moments that mean something to me. I still can’t figure out why that scene’s so important to me. All he does is squint and sort of look at me as if he’s wondering what I’m doing there. If I recall correctly, he told me to get something after he’d looked up. It was either a tool or mum.

Anyway, I only remember that image of him. There’re others with the family, but only one for him. Is it bad that you seem to have millions though?

I remember this one scene where I’d be rounding the corner, and the first person I see is you, and I’ll watch you for the entire time. I get to see you look up at me and say hi. I love that look you’d give, the one where you’d just be smiling at me as if you’re actually happy to see me. Though reality is you’re probably just smiling because of what someone else has said. If of anything, coming late had its rewards, but then again I was rarely ever late.

When I’m not late you’d be the one to come around the corner and you’d be listening to music or just doing something simple. I’d wish that our mutual friend wasn’t here today just so I’d get to sit with you alone for a while, but then I’d feel guilty straight after and then wonder if I was a bad friend. Still, I love watching you walk in and smile your sleepy little smile.

There isn’t much else that you’d do that I don’t find adorable or some other insane thing. I guess love really does make you do that wacky, though I’d rather if I didn’t have to be crazy anywhere near you. I can’t seem to shut up you know, I just blurt out the wrong things all the time.

The lights are dimming now. I guess I’m falling asleep. I can’t really tell anymore, I’m entirely too numb to tell the difference. It’s been like this for a really long time. People keep whispering around me and I guess there’s only one person who actually talks to me but I don’t really know who it is. I’ve been in this room for entirely too long.

The voices tell me that I need to wake up soon and that I can’t hide in here forever, but I don’t want to come out. I never want to come out again. Everything’s gone.

See, the person who talks to me tells me that you’re all outside and worried about me. They say that sometimes I get moved to another room with other people, but I never notice that. They even tell me that sometimes you and the rest of our friends sometimes come to visit me together. I don’t ever understand. I can’t seem to make sense of anything anymore.

Did I tell you that the walls are bouncy?

Sometimes when I don’t want to sit still anymore I bounce around. In the beginning they let me flail my arms about, but I got angry and sad after bouncing so I started scratching. They stopped letting me wave my arms after that. I guess they don’t like red.

There’s this other thing that I get to do now instead, it’s the only other time I really feel like I’m real. They let me listen to my music. Any type of music I want and I get to sing along and dance to it. They can’t risk me flailing anymore, so they just let me hobble around I guess. It’s not like I was ever good at dancing anyway.

Otherwise the world’s sort of like this, too bright for me to understand. It’s dark now, and you’re walking towards me with your smile again. I feel alive again now. Tomorrow’s going to be here soon, I can feel it. Maybe they’ll let me dance and sing again; otherwise I guess I’ll have to wait till sleepy time. Good night. I love you.

Drabble (Set of 2)

Don't look at me, I was talking to Raybies and he said he wanted it on my blog...on another note...it's short and simple and stupid...

Drabble 1
"Well aren't you a pretty one?" asked one of the soldiers. He was a wiry sort of fellow, his face drawn into a perpetual lewd smirk and his hair matted down with oil and gel. His finger reached out to touch her face and she cringed, trying to avoid touching it for as long as possible, but she was too terrified to do anything more than sink into her seat.

"If you touch her, I'll break every bone in your body, one by one, and then reset them so that by the time I've broken the last bone, your first ones would have healed," said a cold voice from the right.

The man looked up, fully intending on making whoever it was prove that they could, but upon seeing who it was he backed away, tripping on his feet as he tried to get away as fast as possible.

If the glare wasn't enough, then just the stance and confidence in the woman was enough to make him back away. She was serious and she was coming closer. He finally turned and ran out the door, realising just how close to death he was, because that's what she was. She was a harbringer of death and a very good one at that.

The harbringer herself was highly amused with his display and just watched as he fled, allowing a slight smile when he had turned around before erupting in full blown laughter when he was gone.

"Delia?" asked the recently saved woman.

"Someone remind me why I'm working with ingrates like him," said the identified Delia.

"Because your other half is here and the only way to keep them safe is to fight here," replied a bored man from the other side of the room.

"Right, so now I'm going to get drunk," stated Delia, "Derek, hit me."

Delia started walking back towards the door she had entered by. The bar tender poured a shot and with practiced ease threw it at her retreating form. She caught it with equally placed ease and drank it in one go, throwing it over her shoulder as she reached the door.

The room's occupants all alternated between looking at the closed door Delia had just walked through and the whistling bartender who had caught the shot glass that had been thrown back at him.

"Show offs," muttled the man from before, curling up and pretending to sleep in his spot on one of the couches.

Drabble 2
Delia (because i can't be stuffed to make up a new name) walked in and headed towards her friends. Taking a deep breath she set her sights on her secret love and tried to calm herself down.

"Mer, can I talk to you for a second?" she asked, trying not to tremble.

Mer looked at her and nodded slightly, her eyes asking the question she didn't voice. 'What's wrong?'

Delia's niece noticed Delia and came running when she'd asked the question.

"Are you telling her you love her?" asked the girl.

Delia closed her eyes, almost praying that it was a bad dream.

"Way to steal my thunder," she muttered.

Delia's niece then looked at Mer.

"Are you gonna tell her you loves her too? She needs lovies," said the innocent girl.

Delia looked at Mer. Knowing exactly what her eyes were asking, 'Do you really love me?'

"I need to know if I have a chance," said Delia, trembling slightly as she said it.

"I...I don't know...I just...I can't..." said Mer, unsure of how to respond and not quite sure how to handle this situation.

Delia nodded. "Then it's decided," she said, "I'm sorry for bothering you."

Delia's brothers and sisters walked in at that moment.

"I've decided to finish the war," said Delia. Her eldest brother nodded and smiled.

"I'll tell the soldiers your decision, we'll march at dawn," he said.

"No," said Delia, "I've decided to end it, by marrying him."

The instant it sank in all of her siblings immediately started talking at once. She knew she didn't love him, and it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't let this war go on. She knew that if she didn't have a chance with the one she did love, then she might as well die. But to keep the one she loves alive, she would sacrifice her future and marry him.

"He wants a happy marriage! One with love and kids, Delia!" yelled one of her sisters.

"I'm aware of that, and I'll make sure he feels loved," Delia said calmly.

"But you won't love him," said one of her meeker sisters.

"I don't have to love him to make him feel loved," said Delia, "Look, I've decided, we'll have the talks tomorrow."

With that, Delia walked out and left her siblings still seething and confused. But worse than that, she left the love of her life behind for a future she didn't want to live.

Drabbles ( Set Of Three)

Raybies said I had to post them up.

Drabble 1

She went off to study. It was a lonely three months. At first I thought it was just because i missed my friend, until I realised it ran even deeper and I missed her hugs as well. I missed seeing her eyes light up when she laughed. Then I realised, I had fallen in love with someone who thought of me as a sister and my heart broke as I listened to her tell me about her newest adventure.


Drabble 2

I kissed her one more time, lingering a little and wishing that we could stay here forever. She smiled that sexy half smile at me and I melted inside again.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," I replied. I knew she meant it now, I could see it, but she was leaving for an entire month. I wondered if she'd still remember me when she was there and presented with all those actresses and models she'd have to work with there. Giving her one more kiss before she boarded the plane, I watched as she disappeared into the crowd and thought that maybe this would be the last time I'd see her love me.


Drabble 3

She fixed her hair again, triple checking that her dress was crease free and still in perfect condition.

"You look beautiful honey. Stop checking already, she'll love it," said her mother.

"I can't," she replied, "What if she sees me and realises that she shouldn't marry me? I mean, what if she sees how ugly I am and realise that she deserves someone better?"

The panic was warranted but the mother had no desire to listen to her daughter put herself down. It finally hit her how well her daughter would be treated when she took out a letter from her pocket.

"She told me to give you this when you started panicking," she explained when she offered it to her daughter.

Opening the letter the bride stared at her beloved's writing and smiled. The message was so simple but it settled all her fears and she set it down and looked at herself one last time, standing up straighter as she said, "I'm ready."

The mother nodded and opened the door for her. Before she left though she glanced at the message and what she read made her smile.

"You're perfect."

Without You

Title: Without You

Rating: R (except it seems more PG-13…if it wasn’t for the blood)

Summary: Hmm…well…it’s kind of short, so you could probably work it out if you read it, but essentially it’s just a fight between lovers. The thoughts and songs are in italics.

Feedback: if you think this deems feedback, good for you, I personally think that I’ve written better…

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it…not that you can really tell in this. There are also blood issues in it…kind of a deep end sort of look at heartache

Disclaimer: Songs aren’t mine, I’m not that good. First one’s Omarion – Ice Box, second one’s DHT ft Edmee – I Go Crazy, and the third one’s Brooke Fraser – Without You.

“Girl I really wanna work this out cause I’m tired of fightin’

And I really hope you still want me the way I want you”

I picked up the broken glass on the ground and watched detachedly as I bled from a small cut. The blood welled up and smeared against the glass and I resisted the urge to cry as I stared at the crumpled picture lying next to the mess.

“Are you really that stupid?! People change it happens all the time, every day, to everyone, and guess what? It happened to me!”

She had changed. She had changed so much and so slowly that I really hadn’t noticed, though that might be more because I hadn’t been paying all that much attention to her.

“You want this back?” she screamed, “Then here, take it!”

She had picked up the photo frame, smashed the glass against the table and pulled out the picture, scrunching it up before throwing it at me.

“It’s ironic,” I whispered to myself, “She acts more like she used to when she’s mad.”

I laughed to myself but the laughter soon dwindled into sobs and I had to fight to gain back some semblance of control.

“Keep your stupid memories. I’ll go make my own.”

And so she had left. Glancing at the clock I realised that it was about ten minutes ago.

“It’s not so long since I’d lost everything,” I muttered. I was still sitting where I’d been where I heard the door slam. Still the same place I had crumpled down after she had yelled and thrown the picture at me and I’d failed to catch it.

I caught my reflection in the window and stared at it.

“You’re stupid,” I informed it. We agreed and I looked at the glass still in my hand. The drop of blood had sort of dribbled a little and was now pooling into my palm. The glass was floating slightly in the middle. I frowned and poked it a little.

A need to feel something other than emptiness overwhelmed me. Clenching my fist I felt the satisfying dig of the jagged edges straight into my skin. I wasn’t sure if it had punctured through, but by the extra blood dripping out from my fist I’d wager that it had.

Holding the fist over the scrunched picture I watch as it began dribbled onto the photo before slowing to a steady drip. I stared at it and then started to count the drops, as though that would give me an answer, as if it would tell me what to do now that I’d stuffed it all up.

“You didn’t trust her,” I muttered. The drip made no response, no change in pace, and no change in destination. It all just landed straight onto the picture and starting to pool around it as well.

“Is it that hard to tell her that you think that maybe you just want her to spend more time with you?” I asked the drips.

The silence that reigned didn’t do anything except make me wonder if that was really where I’d gone wrong, where I’d stuffed up.

“You could have told her you felt like she was leaving you behind, or you could have left and then wondered whether or not she’d even notice,” I said.

Still, there was no change, the blood still dripped and pooled, the photo didn’t move, the world didn’t stop spinning.

“It’s over,” I stated. The words seemed to reverberate in my mind before it seemed to settle into some form of acceptance.

“It’s over,” I repeated, whispering to myself this time.

Opening my hand, I saw that the glass had actually cut through pretty badly. I frowned but made no move to clean it up. The blood was still coming out, pooling into my hand now, but it was starting to clot too, and it was starting to slow down.

Using my left hand, I gently picked off the piece of glass, dropping it to the ground, and then stood up. I manoeuvred around the broken glass and wandered into the bathroom. I didn’t even bother to turn on the light as I washed my wound and wrapped it in the hand towel.

Coming back out I looked at the mess on the kitchen floor and then at our bedroom in front of me.

No, not ‘our’, not anymore, it’s just mine now, until I can find somewhere else. Or maybe it should be her bedroom, and I should just move out. This place was technically chosen by her in the first place.

Walking into what I had now dubbed as her bedroom, I stared at the bedside table and the smiling picture of us as a couple on it. Taking a deep breath I walked up to it and put it face down, I didn’t really need to have to think about her right now, at least not as a couple. I knew that trying to completely stop thinking about her would be in vain.

Walking towards the window I stared out at the night sky and whispered to it, telling it to look after her for me since I couldn’t do it anymore. Then I turned, stared at the bed for a while before deciding that the ground would be more comfortable tonight, and then lay down to sleep.

“Goodnight,” I whispered to her, even if she wouldn’t hear me.

Somewhere through the night I must have fallen asleep because I woke up again. The room hadn’t changed, I was still on the floor, and the house was still silent. Shaking my head to clear it slightly I looked at the sunlight that fell on the place that my head had once been.

Frowning, I wondered if it would be pointless to ask someone to be nice and turn off the sun. The lack of serious feelings made me realise that I was still numb. I wasn’t even annoyed at the evil sun this morning, and that rarely, if ever, happened.

The phone rang and I stared at it, the knowledge of what to do with the ringing device completely leaving me.

“Ren! I know you’re there, Ren! Pick the damned phone up, your girl’s sitting here bawling her eyes out!”

I stared at the machine and wondered what it was talking about; I don’t have a girl anymore.

Another few rings and then another message, “Serena, sweetie, please pick up the phone?”

I wandered out of the room then, just walked out of the house, past the kitchen, the front door and the gates. Standing on the empty street was disorientating to say the least. I really didn’t usually get up before ten on a weekend and it was still somewhere close to seven.

“Good morning,” I whispered. Birds chirped and I smiled slightly. I got a reply.

Wandering towards the natural reserve nearby, I began to realise that barefoot and hard asphalt was a bad idea. That and the whole hand towel wrapped around my hand earned weird stares, especially if the hand towel was stained slightly red.

Though the walk was painful for my feet, it served to calm me down and when I reached our spot I was already at some level of peace.

The trees formed a circle around a couple of rocks and only a little bit of light managed to pass into the place. There was also a small stream running through towards the bigger stream at the base of the valley.

Sticking my feet into the water I shivered when the icy fingers slid from my feet, up my back and straight to my head. Cold was bad, but cold meant numb, which meant they wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Frowning at the thought I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could make this numb thing work properly where it was needed. Reaching my hand out to touch the water I disregarded that thought when my hand reflexively flinched. I might feel like dying but freezing to death just wasn’t on my list of things to do.

With my feet suitably cleaner I pulled them out and heated them in a small patch of sunlight on one of the rocks. The air grew warmer and I slowly succumbed to the desire to sleep and lay there in the growing sunlight to dream of happier times.

I was surprised when I woke up in a bed.

I was even more surprised to wake up in a bed with someone wrapped around me and my hand bandaged properly.

I was completely shocked to wake up in bed with her wrapped around me.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, my heart beating erratically and my breathing speeding up. I closed my eyes and a stab of fear passed through my body. I really didn’t want to go insane, no matter how nice it felt, but then again even insane people wouldn’t have managed to move from one place to another – at least not without knowing.

After deciding I was still sane, I was still left with the slight issue that she was lying in my arms and sleeping. Carefully extricating myself from her grip I ambled around the room and picked up some clothes. She probably wouldn’t want to wake up in my arms anyway; she’d said as much last night.

Dressing in nothing more than track pants and a jumper I took one last look at her before I left. She was home, she was safe, and that was more than I could ever hope to know. At least this way, she could keep the place and I could just find somewhere to hole myself up. With the decision made I left the house and headed for the streets.

I stopped paying attention to where I was going and just let my legs lead me. My thoughts were all simple, some about the sun, the breeze and the people just walking around me. I didn’t realise where I was headed until I saw the trees. Apparently my legs had decided to lead me straight back to the small grove, despite me deliberately walking in the opposite direction earlier.

Frowning I resigned myself to going there again, if for no other reason than to appease whatever subconscious desire for closure I had. I heard her voice before I saw her. I paused and hesitated but finally decided that I could just walk towards the edge and hide there so that she couldn’t see me but I could see her.

I managed to find a spot that was fairly well concealed and sat down, watching the light play over her hair and face as she sang to the setting sun.

“Just when I thought I was over you

I see your face and it just ain’t true”

The words flowed around and drifted into the trees. I swore I could see her voice playing in the breeze and drifting into the surrounding world but then again, I was borderline psychotic, the bandage attested to that.

I was still watching her when the thing crawled onto my leg. I may have a high tolerance for bugs and the like, but I can still get freaked out when it comes from nowhere.

I shouted and then sort of fell out from my well concealed spot. Her voice cut off and when I watched the bug crawl away again I cringed and refused to look behind me to what I was certain was an angry ex.

Before she could recover, I got back onto my feet and bolted – or at least attempted to. Not three steps were taken before I tripped on my own feet and landed face first on the ground. I had also reflexively stretched out my hand as I fell and my wound had landed on a rock. I couldn’t stop the yelp, borderline scream that emerged.

A hand brushed my brow and helped to lift me back up. I winced as my pants shifted and rubbed against what I felt would be a fairly large graze.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” she whispered into my ear. I neither had the strength nor the desire to run away from her so I followed her lead.

The moment we were inside she guided me to our bed, or is it her bed now, and told me to stay. She went off to get the med kit and came back with a frown on her face. I hadn’t moved an inch since she had left. I was even still wearing the slightly numb expression I had on before.

“Serena?” she asked gently. I didn’t move to indicate I had heard her. If I didn’t move, maybe she’d touch me again. She sighed to herself slightly and then began to clean up all the wounds she could see.

“Does it hurt anywhere else?” she asked with the concern evident in the way she looked at me. I wondered if the ache in my chest would be healed if I told her or if she’d just ignore it and pretend I was being stupid.

Deciding not to risk her laughing at me, I just shook my head and continued to sit there. She seemed resigned as her shoulders slumped slightly as she packed up the med kit. A few minutes later she was gone. I closed my eyes, keeping the image of her with me, how was I supposed to know when I’d see her next.

I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt the first drop on my hand. I looked at it curiously as if it held all the answers in the world.

Then she was back again, her hand brushing away all the tears, “Does it hurt?” she asked.

I nodded numbly, I decided that it didn’t matter whether or not she left anymore; I had no right to keep her here anyway. I don’t even remember when that fact had ever changed and felt ashamed for ever thinking of keeping her here.

She tucked me into bed gently, always so gently, as if she was afraid I’d break.

“Stay?” I whispered. I looked at her hopefully and took in the frown on her face. I should have known better than to think she’d want to stay with me, she’d probably just fallen asleep earlier.

I shook my head as if to reply for her, closed my eyes and burrowed further into the covers, trying in vain to stop the tears cascading. I’d cried so much recently, I was surprised I still had any tears left.

I felt cold air on my back before she was hugging me from behind.

“The sky opens up, over me and you,

And you don’t seem to mind, that we’re soaked through.

You kiss me in the rain; I forget what I’m moaning about

And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you…

I laugh at my own jokes, and what I deem to be clever wit

And you don’t seem to mind, that I’m so stupid

You kiss me once again; I forget what I’m babbling about

And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I couldn’t replicate your touch

Or love anyone again as much

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t be the same

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

Without you

Without you

Without you…”

Her voice trailed away and I calmed down enough to start drifting off again, it had been such a long day.

“I know we have a lot of things to work out right now, but if you want to, could we try again?” I asked. I felt her shift against my back and tuck herself in closer to me.

“Right now, I just want to fall asleep in your arms. But we’ll have the long overdue talk tomorrow,” she replied. I nodded slightly and turned around a little until I could see her face properly. Risking everything, I kissed her lightly on the brow. She just grinned and snugged in closer.

I felt my heart relax slightly. It seemed as though the world wasn’t as over as I had thought it was.

How's this for something that took forever...either way, it's done now...albeit crappily

Uni Fun

ahhh uni...the time of sleeping in lectures and writing random things like...

Words can only take me so far. Sometimes it's easier to just show you how I feel.

You're sitting there, talking to him, laughing with him, and I wonder if maybe I could leave without you noticing. Then I realise, you've already forgotten that I'm here.

What do I have to do to make you talk to me? Sometimes I wonder if I should just die so that you'd look at me for that little while.

My lip is bleeding, and I manage to stop biting it, but only after you've stopped kissing him.

My eyes burn with the effort it takes to not break down in front of you, but it also means that, with my eyes forced open, I have to see your happy smile from being with him and not me.

They say that every second without the one you love is like a knife stabbing through your heart and twisting. I'd say it feels more like twenty knives, at least.

You touch my shoulder and I force a smile onto my face. You ask me 'What's wrong?' and I reply with 'Nothing'. How can you still be so caring, so perfect, after tearing my heart out? Why do I still love you when you'll never be mine? Why do I still want you when you're happier with him?

See? Boring uni...oh wells

Drabble (269 Words)

I dream of things that can’t be real.

I dream of things that would never happen.

I dreamt of you last night, you were perfect in your jeans and shirt, and you hugged me. Not a friendly one, but an intimate one with my leg between yours and your leg between mine and your lips next to my ear.

We pulled away slightly, our lower halves still touching, our arms still around each other, and you ask me a question.

“Are you going to kiss me?”

My only response is, “I don’t even kiss my mother all that often.” And I pull away from you completely and turn away.

I can’t kiss someone I know doesn’t want me back that way, but perhaps I am insane for not taking something that was so obviously just a dream. I wish I could see you again but you disappeared after I turned away and I never saw you again.

Is it bad that I can still feel your arms around me? That I can feel your body next to mine and we fit so well together that I wonder if we weren’t born just for a moment like that.

Either way, it’s over now. My confusion is written away and though you’d never see this, it’s still in my mind and I haven’t been able to get you out of my head for the entire day. It’ll probably still be there tonight, I can only hope.

So I’ll see you later, in my dreams, and maybe this time I’ll have the courage to do something I would never do in reality.

Drabble (819 Words)

I’m sitting here alone, staring out the at the night sky. The tiny stars had yet to emerge and I was waiting, waiting for something to happen, for something to change. A small glitter caught my eye and I stared at the star, gently whispering to my ears alone:

Star light, star bright, first star of the Heavens I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might, see her again tonight…just tonight

I laugh at myself, and shake my head. Some wishes just aren’t meant to come true, no matter how much a person wished for it. The silent laughter turned into teary hiccups as I tried to control my breathing and my emotions.

Looking at the small toy in front of me I wondered if she even remembered giving it to me. I turned the bottom, winding up the spring inside and let go. A small sweet melody permeated the empty room and wafted to my ears. I closed my eyes and imagined. Just because she wouldn’t really be here, it didn’t mean I couldn’t imagine it, even if it would just be for a little while.

I didn’t realise I was crying until a hand gently brushed my tears away. I kept my eyes closed, worried that this was just an illusion and that the moment I opened my eyes, it would be gone.

The hand went from gently brushing to lightly stroking and I leaned into the touch, all the while thanking insanity for making such things seem so real.

“Why are you crying?” the illusion asked. With my eyes still closed I began to answer, telling her my tale of woe, of dreams that were hopeless and wishes that would never come true.

“Dreams are only hopeless if you lose faith, and wishes only fail when you stop believing,” she said softly.

I shook my head out of her grasp and curled into myself. I brought my legs up to my chest and put my head on my knees, effectively blocking her touch.

The sweet melody from the wind up toy continued to play and filled the silence with its haunting tune. I felt tears soak into my pants and I briefly wondered if I had obvious wet patches there now.

“Why are you hiding?” she asked, “Are you hiding from me?”

Her voice broke a little and I wondered when illusions had ever seemed so real, even to me. I lived in a world so far detached from reality that I was surprised that I even knew who I was anymore.

I pondered the question before shaking my head slightly.

“Then what are you hiding from?” She sounded confused.

“Me,” I whispered.

At first I didn’t know if she had heard me, but then a hand rested on my back and gently ran down my arm until I was forced to relinquish my hand to her; though it wasn’t as though I was actually fighting her.

She lifted my hand until it rested on her chest and I had to resist the urge to gasp. I knew I was insane but my illusions had definitely never felt this real before.

“You feel that?” she asked. I nodded as I felt her heart thump steadily beneath my palm.

“It beats for you. You and only you,” she said. I could practically hear the tears in her voice.

“I could never leave the love we have for someone else when I depend on you to let me breathe and live. Without you, I’m nothing,” she continued. There was a ring of certainty and strength in her words that made me believe. It was almost as though I couldn’t think that her words were anything but true.

“Will you look at me? I miss your eyes,” she whispered. Her voice was vulnerable and her hand was trembling slightly. I reached out my other hand and held her hands in my own.

Keeping my head down, I put my feet back on the ground and breathed deep, trying to savour this, just in case it was just a dream.

Finally lifting my head to look into her eyes, I noticed the tears that were sliding down and I instinctively wiped them away. She gave a small smile and I suppose that I was giving her the ‘confused look’ that I sometimes made when I was at a loss as to what I should do.

I didn’t know what to do, what to say, and all I could do was keep holding her cheek. Realising that I was probably being stupid, I began to withdraw but she instantly put her hand on mine to keep it there.

“I like it where it is,” she said simply at my questioning look.

“I like where I am,” I replied.

And outside, a star glowed just a little brighter before disappearing, its life gone with the wish it had given.

Drabble (186 Words)

One day, just one day to forget everything. If we wiped our minds and pretended nothing had happened, where would we be? There’s this person. Alright I’ll be frank and say that this person is more than that to me, but for the purposes of this I suppose just calling them a person would be safer. So they mean…everything to me.

That sounds so corny, I’ll start again. They’ve become so much to me that no matter what I do, somehow I always wind up thinking about them.

That still sounds corny. All those stupid stories of love and perfection aren’t always stories but right now I’m feeling as though it is. Where does that leave me though?

So they don’t believe in love. Or well they probably do but they have no intention of considering that it’s anything important or …well I suppose they don’t think they’ll find it.

With that said…I’ve run out of things to say…what happens to the person who has fallen in love with someone who doesn’t believe in or trust in the power of love? Where does that person go?

Drabble (245 words)

She jumped up and started cheering, she'd finally figured out the right coding to get the task done. Happy and cheerful she forgot that her girlfriend was home and in the next room and ran outside whooping and cheering.

The moment she saw her girlfriend she stopped and blushed a deep red from embarrassment as her girlfriend just looked at her with a smile and confused look on her face.

"It's...nothing. I just...kinda forgot you were home," she said. She ducked her head and went back into her room, cursing herself over and over again. How could I forget that my girlfriend was here, not only that, now she knows I'm a dork!

Sighing, she sat down at her desk and stared at the screen, the recent joy forgotten in the light of this new development. Her girlfriend walked in and turner her around.

"Sweetie?" she said, trying to look into her lover's eyes.

"Baby, you have to understand, I love you for everything you are and because of everything you do, don't hide it from me? Don't hide from me?" she asked quietly.

Her girlfriend's last question was said so softly that it was almost lost in the room but it she heard it and lifted her head up to meet her girlfriend's face.

The smile that lit her face made them smile at each other before eyes started flickering to lips and they sealed the moment with a kiss.

It was a promise...

Ray said I had to post it up...

The Joys of Making Up (Part 3)

final part then...

Title: The Joys of Making Up (Part 3)

Rating: R (it could probably be passed off as PG-13)

Summary: Someone leaves, another one leaves, and then they meet again (though not where most people meet) I supposed you could call it a continuation of Del/Senna. Goldie also told me that I wasn’t allowed to kill Del, so it’s going to have a happier ending.

Feedback: it’s not like most people give it anyway, but if you can be bothered thank you ever so much…

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it.

“Senna, wait! Please!” I yelled. She just kept running and we headed into the woods that were near the town. I normally went here when I needed time to think or just time to relax. I knew them like the back of my hand. I knew that the ground was covered in brown leaves that were almost close to black. I knew that there were rocks around the path that were covered in moss that was so green and soft that I sometimes wondered if maybe it was how carpet was first decided upon.

I also knew that past that rock there was a huge tree that could have three people hugging it just to surround it. And I knew that the track that she was currently running on ended at the river and that the river was somewhat deep and extremely cold.

As she ignored my calls again, I could hear the sound of water running and knew that we were close. I didn’t want her to fall in, but I knew that if she did, I wouldn’t even hesitate to jump in after her.

“Senna, wait! I beg you! Just hear me out!” I yelled. My voice was dying. I could feel it slipping away and I briefly wondered how I was going to talk to her if I couldn’t talk at all.

“Stop! It’s a river!” I screamed. Finally stopping in front of me she turned around and by the moonlight I could see that she had been crying badly.

“Senna…”

“What?” she interrupted. Her tone was harsh and I winced without meaning to. She seemed to hesitate then but seemed to decide I wasn’t worth opening up to and forgiving.

“Hilary’s an ex,” I said.

“So it’s Hilary now?” she asked bitterly.

“Baby…”

“I told you! You have no right to call me that,” she interrupted again. My heart was tearing in half but I nodded and swallowed my pain. I just needed her to understand the situation; she could make her own decisions.

“We went out for a while but I couldn’t get over you, she was my first mistake,” I said.

“First? Does that mean there are others?”

“Just one other and we’re still friends,” I said.

“Just friends or fuck buddies?” she asked harshly.

“Senna…”

“Is this what was on your mind this morning? You know what…I can’t do this right now… I just need some time. I’m just going to get my stuff and move into the hotel,” she said. Her voice trailed away into a whisper.

“Don’t,” I said. She looked at me questioningly and for a moment I could have sworn I saw her heart breaking.

“Just stay at my place, Hilary sort of owns the hotel. I won’t go home tonight, just please, please don’t leave the house, I don’t want you to get hurt,” I explained.

“I think it’s a little too late for that,” she said wryly but nodded her acquiesce and took my keys.

“Can you take me back? I’m not all that certain where we are,” she said. I nodded and we walked back in silence. I tried not to look at her, knowing that I didn’t have the right to, not unless she let me.

As we entered the house she turned to me and spoke, “I’m sorry about tonight. I just…need some time to figure this all out. I don’t know if I can do this. Not again.”

“I just need to go get some stuff. It doesn’t matter where I go, just…call me if you need me, I’ll have my phone with me,” I said.

“What’s your number?”

“I never changed it,” I replied, “I thought that if you ever tried to call, that you’d be able to.”

She looked away from me and I went into the bedroom and packed an overnight bag. I figured I might as well go to Amber’s place. I sighed. Amber was my best friend here; she was also my other ex. Figuring that there was no other place I could stay anyway I called Amber and arranged for me to stay there for a few days.

I didn’t even see her on the way out and I held in all my pain and all the tears as I walked to my ex girlfriend’s house. Albeit the friendlier one. The moment Amber opened the door, I burst into tears and she just held me as I cried until there was nothing else to cry about. Amber had deserved so much better than me. I wasn’t even in the relationship and she was so caring that I knew that she needed someone whose heart would belong to her alone.

“What happened?” she asked gently. We had moved into her living room and I was curled into her side. There was silence for a while but Amber just waited until I had found the right way to begin before I started telling her about the last few days. She was silent as I went over everything, minus the more intimate details.

She finally just told me to go up and sleep because she was going to paint tonight. I nodded and went upstairs, going through the nightly rituals before falling asleep with Senna still on my mind.

A hand was running through my hair and I figured I was still sleeping. The faint scent of Senna hung in the air and though I was tempted to check, I was afraid that opening my eyes would make it disappear.

“Morning,” whispered the Senna into my ear.

I kept my eyes closed and committed it to memory. As far as I was concerned, she didn’t even want to be anywhere near me ever again, and I was liable to agree with her.

“Del…” she whispered again. I bit my lip and hoped that she’d stop doing that. To be honest it was turning me on.

“Please baby? Open your eyes?” she begged. I considered ignoring her, but my entire being was rebelling against that thought and so I opened my eyes.

I lost myself in her eyes. I forgot everything, the fight, where I was, I even forgot to breathe for a moment. Then reality came crashing into my life again and I wondered if I’d taken this a step too far.

“D-did you n-need s-s-s-something?” I asked. I was so nervous and so afraid that I was stuttering. She frowned and I wonder if I said something wrong again. I hadn’t felt this self conscious in years; I thought I had gotten over it by now.

“Del…sweetie…” she trailed off and I looked at her questioningly. If she was here to break it off officially she wouldn’t touch me…right?

I closed my eyes again and started muttering to myself and repeating dream out loud over and over. She hadn’t called me sweetie in years. There was no way she would start now, no matter what had happened to bring her here. It didn’t matter how much I wanted it to happen, this was definitely a dream. It’s the only logical explanation.

There was the sound of her getting up and the door opening and closing. I couldn’t help the tear that came out. Even in my dreams she didn’t want to stay.

The next thing I felt were lips on my cheek, brushing away the tear and its consequent trail. Those lips gently followed the trail back to my eye before kissing that lightly. The entire time that she moved I felt like my heart had stopped beating.

“Sweetie, we need to talk,” she said.

I held my breath and nodded slightly. She sighed and somehow I knew that she was frowning.

“I’m sorry for doubting you,” she started, “It’s just that I never dated. I felt like I was cheating every time I even looked at another woman. Is it stupid of me to think I’m cheating when I’m technically not even yours anymore?”

She laughed at herself and I had to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see her hurting but I knew that if she was I had to stop it.

“Baby…” I started, then flinched when I realised what I’d said.

“Let me finish?” she asked. Her voice was small and I wanted to run to her and hold her, just hold her in my arms, but I waited in silence for her to continue.

“The thing is, when they told me I was accepted, I had seriously thought it’d never happen to me. I had been so surprised that I really didn’t know how to react. Then you told me to go and I just thought maybe you’d grown tired of me and wanted the excuse. You stopped telling me you loved me everyday…I didn’t know what to think.”

Her voice broke off and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I just got out of bed and walked the one step towards her and held her. She clutched onto me as if there was no tomorrow. We stood there and I did my best to convey how much I loved her just through my touch. After a while she continued speaking albeit into my neck.

“You never tried to call, and I had tried calling you so many times, but I just couldn’t do it. The job wasn’t as great as it seemed. Every single time I went over something, I’d think of you and lose concentration. I couldn’t walk into that building without thinking of you at least once, so I gave up and quit. When I came back here, Marie and Erica said you’d already gone…so I figured you’d moved on and I tried to move on…but I didn’t get very far. I’ve changed about fifty jobs trying to find one that didn’t remind me of you every few seconds and then I find one that seems alright, and the second thing I need to do brings me right back into your arms.”

She laughed at herself but it turned into a gentle sobbing.

“Baby,” I sighed. She didn’t do anything to acknowledge that she’d heard me but somehow I just knew she had.

“I love you. I always have loved you. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you enough, because I thought you knew and I felt that love with every single breath I took in every day that I was with you,” I said. She clutched at me tighter and I kissed the top of her head.

“I love you” she said into my neck. I laughed. She looked at me, partly confused and partly hurt.

“My neck appreciates it,” I said jokingly.

She smiled and kissed me. In between kisses she managed to say, “I love you.”

She rested her head on my shoulder and we just held each other, revelling in the feeling of just being close together again.

“We still have a lot to talk through,” I said. She nodded in response.

“Are you going to try?” I asked lightly. She looked into my eyes.

“Sweetie, I would do a whole lot more than try,” she replied. I felt relieved that she saw through my façade if not a little nervous. I had so many secrets, so many insecurities, but maybe we could work it through together.

There was hope then, there was always hope.