And so...

I screw up regularly.

I know I screw up regularly because let's face it, it's me.

Sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up pissing someone off or making them upset. That hasn't changed and I tell myself to do better next time, to pay more attention next time, but I can't...or I don't.

Is it bad if music tends to reflect my mood. I'm listening to Stone Sour - Bother, again. It's been years since I last listened to it and usually I have difficulty figuring out who I'm directing it to, but this time it's actually fairly easy to figure out who I'm directing it to.

I'm weak. I know I'm weak because, again, let's face it, it's me.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I wish that people wouldn't look at me and see me as weak, or useless, but that's not the way the world works and I should know that better than anyone else.

I've lived a charmed life. I've never really had to work for what I want, it usually just lands in my lap. I get things handed to me on, essentially, a silver platter. So when I actually have to work for something, I'll put in as much effort as I can, except when I put in effort it tends to fail me.

If I counted the number of exams and the like that I put in effort for and got good in compared to the number that I winged, I'd say that the average mark of the winged exams are higher by far. So I'm lazy. So I'm deliberately lazy and I deliberately avoid putting in effort because I know that if I do, it'll screw up on me.

That said, I've been putting in effort to keep my girlfriend happy. It's almost obvious where I screwed up. I'll probably screw up regularly too which really makes me wonder why she bothers.

Music change: Story of the Year - Anthem of our Dying Day

It's been ages since I last heard this song, and before the people staying over actually arrive, I should probably scream this song once to relax a bit. Maybe I should go and play piano, that's usually amazingly calming.

I miss her. I miss her all the time. It's stupid because I want everything to fast forward to a time when I can see her every day, but at the same time I'm terrified that if I fast forward, she won't be here with me when I stop.

I have moments, especially when I'm really tired or really sick, or when I slow down for a second and just think. I hate them because my thoughts are never good and my thoughts always turn to what I'm scared of.

I'm scared that she'll find someone better than me in so many ways. Someone that can look after her better, and I know she's independent and she doesn't really need someone to look after her, but she's a princess who deserves a knight, not some stupid street kid that just takes every day as it comes. Princesses deserve heroes and I'm not a hero, I'll never be a hero, and when I slow down, I start imagining her with the hero she deserves.

A dashing young man who can pick her up and twirl her around and hold her in his arms. A man with determination who respects her and loves her with everything that he is. A man whose hands and body is so much bigger than mine that I look like an idiot just standing next to him. A man who can take her places and give her what she wants without the drama and the pain. Life with me would be so much harder in comparison that it just doesn't make sense.

I can't take away her fears, I can't fix anything because I generally can't fix things. I wish I could though. So when I slow down and I think for a bit. Whenever I slow down and think for a bit. I thank everything I know that she's in my life, that she's with me, that I have this chance to be with her. I thank everything that is and everything that could be that I had the chance to experience something as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined.

Then I start remembering that my life is awesome, but it's not perfect, so she'll probably realise that there's someone more perfect for her out there. Someone that isn't annoying and stupid. Someone that won't push her into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and she knows that she doesn't have to do them. Seriously...fruits? nuts? swimming? she's healthy, she runs, her favourite foods are actually good for her.

The things she's asking me to change? Water? Exercise? Veges? I already know I should be doing them, she just makes sure that I get it done. I'm grateful for it, really I am. But there's nothing that I'm asking her to do that she needs to or should do.

I'm a shit girlfriend. I know I'm a shit girlfriend. So now I'm going to wait, and savour every moment that I can, because when she realises that she can do better, I'll just get left behind like usual. I just wish that I could savour every moment without feeling like it's the last one and feeling like my heart's getting ripped from my chest. That said, it's weird, because when the feeling comes, my right palm tingles and it sort of hurts but at the same time, it doesn't.

I miss her. I love her. I'm an idiot. I wish she was my forever, but reality says that that kind of love is too rare to happen to me.

Apparently I need to write

So it's been a very very long time since my last crush ended and my new crush has started.

If you rewind in this blog, you'll find a lot of writing on a person who (from memory) isn't ever named. To be honest, I failed as a friend and let us drift apart. I probably miss her more as a friend than anything else now, though that said, I've found other people that fill the void that she filled.

Is it weird that I thought that she was my everything, that she was something that I needed, and if I really think about it now, she never really deserved the strange infatuation I had?

I should probably clarify. She'll still be my first serious crush, but at the same time, she was never on my mind half as much as my new crush and I never needed to be around her even a tenth of how much I need to be around my new crush.

My new crush is my girlfriend. She's all kinds of awesome and all kinds of hot. She doesn't believe me when I compliment her, but I figure if I say it enough she'll eventually have to get the point.

I could probably go on about her for hours, and then she'd flay me because it's 1:40 am and I have work in the morning. The only reason she's not yelling at me now is because she fell asleep, as she tends to, while she was on the phone with me.

I have a feeling she's going to kill me for writing that up on a public blog.

To finish this off in a less depressing way than the rest of this blog, because this blog is insanely depressing, though I've forgotten most of it.

I love her, I know she loves me to. I know she thinks that I don't trust her as much as she trusts me but I hope she realises that I do trust her, just in a different way. She could lead me to a cliff edge and tell me to jump and I would do it. There might be a slight argument that would precede the jump, but assuming that she just wants me to, and possibly if she makes a cute sad face that I can't resist, I'll jump off.

I know I can't convince her that I trust her more than before and that it'll take a lifetime for me to trust in someone so completely that I don't feel like I'm going to be abandoned. I suppose I should explain to her properly the next time I see her, but until then, I'll just hope that she sticks around long enough to realise that I trust her more than anyone else in my life.

Sleepy time...or well...it was sleepy time about an hour or two ago...work's going to be so exciting...

Another age...

So apparently my girlfriend reads my blog. I don't really know why but there you have it.

Here's my apology because of tonight:

She moved with grace and poise that was probably a little more than necessary for the situation. I gaped, though admittedly it probably just made me look more like a moron than usual.

"I think I just saw a fly go in," she said without turning around.

My mouth snapped shut and I studiously stared at a nearby twig on the ground. A finger glided down my cheek and under my chin, gently tilting my head back up.

"I didn't say you had to stop looking though," she said, a slight laugh in her voice and an amused smile on her face. I could feel my face heating up and I tried to think of anything but the extreme embarrassment that comes with staring a little too hard at someone.

She let me go and went back to her previous stance, her body naturally leaning into stretches I could barely even dream of making.

One particular stretch had her turn her head slightly in my direction and I swore I saw her wink.

In a vague attempt to collect my scattered brains I went back to staring at the twig.

"What's so fascinating about that twig?" she asked, her tone more curious than anything else.

"It's nice and boring and...not half as hot as you," I muttered.

She seemed to catch what I said anyway and laughed lightly.

"I need a shower, I'll be right back," she said. She leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips before she disappeared into the house.

I sighed and touched my lips in mild contemplation. I wondered how long it would take before a simple kiss like that wouldn't make my heart beat faster and make me want more.

"And so the boring keep each other company," I said, addressing the twig.

The door squeaked open and I looked up to see her head peek through.

"You coming?" she asked.

I made a slight nod of solidarity to the boring twig on the floor before dashing into the house. The twig and I could stare at each other another day. For now, I had a hot shower with a hot girl waiting for me.

***

I'm really really really really sorry. I know I'm stupidly sensitive to things and I have stupid dreams that scare me all the time and tell me exactly what I'm scared of, but I never want you to change the way you are just because of me.

Love you.