I Hope

The trees sway in the breeze and hide me from the rain,
Catching the tears of the heavens so that I may be warm.
They remind me of you and how you used to hold me
When I was lost in the dark; so scared, confused, alone.
But you’re not here to hold me anymore, not now,
Not when I need you to save me from the real darkness.
I could scream aloud but you would never hear me calling,
You always did hate my voice. I hope my silence is pleasing,
It would be the best thing I’ve ever done for you.

There’s a scuffling sound that emerges from the bushes.
I run. Only to fall to the ground; my face landing in mud.
The tang of earth settles on my tongue, I gag and spit,
And yet the taste remains, like the taste of you used to.
It weaved with the scent of your skin to keep me safe,
To wrap around me and protect me from the demons I now face.
All my stench is hidden by the smell of death and decay,
At least I can no longer disgust you with my presence,
I hope my absence gives you all the freedom that you seek.

I lie upon the ground and feel an animal sniff my form,
I hope it thinks I’m dead and renders my flesh from bone.
My death would be unnoticed, just a body on the ground.
Just like the leaves that lie around me I would disappear.
I would return to the darkness and cease to exist again;
Who would remember me anyway? I’m just a waste of space.
That’s what you called me, that’s what I’ll always be to you,
So I hope my death gives you happiness. Know that
One more useless being is gone from your perfect world.

KC - 7/7/07

Some People

Some people deserve to hurt. Some people deserve to die and suffer for everything that they’ve ever done and all the people that they’ve ever hurt. I’m probably one of those people. I know that. I also know that she’ll never be one of those people.

I’ve been hurt a lot in my life. It’s not like I’m particularly special, pain doesn’t just seek me out, I just don’t deal with it as well as other people, I’m sort of weak. Some people can deal really well with it. They bite the bullet and they go through every day knowing that every thing is letting them down, but they’ll get through it. We all get through it I suppose; it’s just different how we go about it all.

Some people are weak. I’m weak, I know I’m weak. People can tell me to do something and if I don’t hate them, I’ll probably do it. Within reason, of course, but still, I’d do it. There aren’t that many people I hate out there, so I guess I’ll get run over heaps in my life. I’ll say I’m fairly lucky in life. A lot of stuff usually goes my way…but not always.

When I was younger…I did some stupid things. Most of the time I did them because my friend said it’d be funny and I’d do anything to please people. The teacher caught us out for it and told us off. I cried, but I remember that what she said was true. I live by that, sort of. If someone told me to jump off a bridge, would I? A saner person would say you definitely wouldn’t. I mean, honestly, it’s jumping off a bridge.

Now though? I probably would. Depending on who it was, I would jump. It wouldn’t be the smartest thing I’ve ever done but it wouldn’t be the most stupid either. People can undermine any power I’ve got simply by telling me to do something. I’m not obedient, don’t get me wrong, if people tell me to do something and I know them well enough, it’s not like I’ll follow without grumbling a little. I’d probably still end up doing it, but I’d at least grumble.

I don’t even know where this is going. I mentioned a she…a she who’s not like other people. She’s special. She makes things better. She could probably read me better than anyone I know too. Is it bad that I don’t trust her enough to tell her everything though?

Alright, I’m sort of tired, and I’m sort of depressed…again. I’m probably going to find that the fastest way to cheer up would be to kill all the people who have ever used me before. That would be one hell of a long and interesting line of dead bodies, though it’d still be ultimately useless.

I should stop. I should probably write something else now. Clear the system sort of thing.

Don't Mind Me

So I wouldn't normally write this here, but I forgot that I'd actually deleted my other blog that had been set up for this in the first place.

I failed my driving test today.

That in itself doesn't really matter much but when we came home mum let it slip that dad had planned to take us to the blue mountains tomorrow to sort of celebrate. And well...I can't drive faster than 80 on my L's so it's not like we're going. Still...can't help feeling like crap for stuffing up dad's plans. Even if it wasn't 100% my fault...who knew that sitting there for 5 seconds indicating would be the difference between passing and failing.

So it's waiting until August and then hoping to pass...again...except this time I'm not gonna have anything to fall back on if I fail...

Right...vented...don't mind me

Remembering

Note: It doesn't really make sense...but it made me feel a little better I guess

It’s too bright here. I can’t seem to stop seeing things and all I want is the blissful darkness to draw me in and make me disappear. Did you know that when I look into the black, sometimes I imagine I can see you? Not just see you though; it’ll be sort of like imagining what you’re doing. I remember scenes. Not just a picture of you in my head, but an entire scene that captures the very essence of who you are.

For my dad, I remember this time he was fixing something in the ceiling. He was sweating and had some kind of chalky stuff covering him. The way I remember it, he was looking up at the ceiling, the ladder was behind him, and I was still so young that I had to look up so I can see him at a sort of angle. His glasses were dirty but he looked like he was concentrating really hard and he had a sort of furrow between his eyes from sort of squinting up. It didn’t really help that there was stuff still falling down.

That’s how I remember though, just random moments that mean something to me. I still can’t figure out why that scene’s so important to me. All he does is squint and sort of look at me as if he’s wondering what I’m doing there. If I recall correctly, he told me to get something after he’d looked up. It was either a tool or mum.

Anyway, I only remember that image of him. There’re others with the family, but only one for him. Is it bad that you seem to have millions though?

I remember this one scene where I’d be rounding the corner, and the first person I see is you, and I’ll watch you for the entire time. I get to see you look up at me and say hi. I love that look you’d give, the one where you’d just be smiling at me as if you’re actually happy to see me. Though reality is you’re probably just smiling because of what someone else has said. If of anything, coming late had its rewards, but then again I was rarely ever late.

When I’m not late you’d be the one to come around the corner and you’d be listening to music or just doing something simple. I’d wish that our mutual friend wasn’t here today just so I’d get to sit with you alone for a while, but then I’d feel guilty straight after and then wonder if I was a bad friend. Still, I love watching you walk in and smile your sleepy little smile.

There isn’t much else that you’d do that I don’t find adorable or some other insane thing. I guess love really does make you do that wacky, though I’d rather if I didn’t have to be crazy anywhere near you. I can’t seem to shut up you know, I just blurt out the wrong things all the time.

The lights are dimming now. I guess I’m falling asleep. I can’t really tell anymore, I’m entirely too numb to tell the difference. It’s been like this for a really long time. People keep whispering around me and I guess there’s only one person who actually talks to me but I don’t really know who it is. I’ve been in this room for entirely too long.

The voices tell me that I need to wake up soon and that I can’t hide in here forever, but I don’t want to come out. I never want to come out again. Everything’s gone.

See, the person who talks to me tells me that you’re all outside and worried about me. They say that sometimes I get moved to another room with other people, but I never notice that. They even tell me that sometimes you and the rest of our friends sometimes come to visit me together. I don’t ever understand. I can’t seem to make sense of anything anymore.

Did I tell you that the walls are bouncy?

Sometimes when I don’t want to sit still anymore I bounce around. In the beginning they let me flail my arms about, but I got angry and sad after bouncing so I started scratching. They stopped letting me wave my arms after that. I guess they don’t like red.

There’s this other thing that I get to do now instead, it’s the only other time I really feel like I’m real. They let me listen to my music. Any type of music I want and I get to sing along and dance to it. They can’t risk me flailing anymore, so they just let me hobble around I guess. It’s not like I was ever good at dancing anyway.

Otherwise the world’s sort of like this, too bright for me to understand. It’s dark now, and you’re walking towards me with your smile again. I feel alive again now. Tomorrow’s going to be here soon, I can feel it. Maybe they’ll let me dance and sing again; otherwise I guess I’ll have to wait till sleepy time. Good night. I love you.