Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Blood Part 1/?

It hurt to just breathe and for a whole minute I contemplated the idea of not breathing.

A car drove past nearby, its wheels screeching slightly when the driver obviously failed to slow down for the sharp corner. I lifted my head slightly and looked towards the road, the slight black of bitumen teasing me from between the blades of grass. The grass started swaying in my vision and I knew that I'd lost entirely too much blood. Logic told me to put my hand on the wound and pray for the best, but even that movement seemed too much at the moment.

Another car drove by and I wanted to laugh. How many cars would drive by without the drivers ever noticing the half dead person in the grass next to it? I sighed, blaming the ditch I was in, the sudden sharp corner of the road, and my generally small size.

The sound of a car door slamming made me wince. It seemed a little too loud for some reason.

"Is someone there?" asked a woman. From her voice, I'd probably have to wager more girl than woman, but I was never all that good at guessing ages anyway.

"Oh my God," exclaimed the woman. I was tempted to laugh, and mentally I was rolling around in laughter, but my only physical reaction was a slight quirk of my lips.

Trust my luck that the person who was going to 'save' me was probably incompetent enough to just speed up my death. A warm hand touched my head and I mentally shut down, if I was going to die, I was totally doing it in my sleep.

It was cold. Not in a 'holy cow it's freezing' sort of way, but in a 'my skin is probably ten degrees colder than it needs to be' sort of way. I sighed and winced when the action caused my chest to start hurting again.

Fantastic. I was alive.

I opened my eyes slightly and was greeted to the fascinating green curtain of hospital privacy. I closed my eyes again and counted to ten, just because it looked like I was in one of those stupid hospital dramas on tv doesn't mean I was actually in one. When I opened my eyes again, I was greeted to the same creepy curtains. Life really wasn't going my way.

"Oh good, you're awake. You gave us all quite the scare you know," said the nurse. Or well, I assumed it was the nurse, he didn't seem very doctory. Not that I knew what a doctor actually looked like.

I stared at him. Just because my instant response to his comment was to tell him that he was a wimp if a half dead girl could scare him, doesn't mean he had to hear it. I was grateful, really I was. Now all I needed to make my day was a giant squid coming through the curtain and strangling me.

A squid walked into the small enclosure.

Alright, not quite a squid, but if you saw her, you'd think she was a giant squid too. I sighed. Please just strangle me and be done with it.

"Mick, get her some water," the squid ordered. The nurse nodded and then seemingly ran to do her bidding. I was tempted, oh so tempted, to ask her if maybe she'd want the water more.

"I'm assuming that you know where you are. You haven't made any attempt to talk and though I would ordinarily assume that you seem to be the type to not enjoy talking, I need you to answer some questions and then I believe the police would like to ask you some." She said all this without taking her eye off the small screen next to my bed. A good thing since my first reaction to 'police' was to blanch.

Before I could figure out my chances of knocking her out and escaping, Mick was back with a jug of presumably water and a cup already filled in his hands. He put the cup against my lips and gently urged me to drink. The first sip was like heaven. I could feel it sliding down my parched throat. The rest of the cup went without incident. I smiled at him gratefully and he bustled off after the squid waved her hand.

"I know what you are," she said. I looked at her then, my eyes really looking at her instead of trying to discern how squid-like she actually was.

"Leave," I rasped. She smirked.

If you've ever seen a squid smirk, you'd understand that there are some things in life people can live without. This was definitely one of them. If I wasn't already mentally scarred, this would definitely do the job.

"I'm sorry, but I have orders to keep you here," she said. Despite sounding unapologetic, something in her eyes gave her away. She seemed to be trying to tell me something.

Fantastic, my brain was still mushy and a giant squid was trying to tell me something with her eyes. I was tempted to just close my eyes and go back to sleep, but then the threat of police was a very real and very dangerous problem.

"I need to check on some other patients. I assume you're a little too tired to do anything anyway but just in case."

I heard the snap of hand cuffs and looked down at my wrist. The cuff lay uselessly next to my hand, snapped around air. She did that strange talking to me with her eyes thing again and I followed her gaze towards the left side of the enclosure. Did she want me to jump out the left side of the enclosure?

Before I could actually verify anything she had left through the right side and left me to my own devices. Figuring that I'd probably have a higher chance of survival jumping off a building than winding up in the hands of the police, I removed all the weird tubes from my body and dashed out of the left side of the enclosure.

Well, I attempted to dash out. Reality was nice and cruel by making me essentially crawl out of the left side. Apparently I wasn't quite ready to walk yet.

I wound up under another bed, which was probably a good thing given that in the next minute a man yelled and suddenly there was lots of yelling, most of it running along the lines of 'she escaped'.

Deciding that under a bed was as comfy as on top of it at the moment, I curled up and went to sleep, praying more than anything else that no one would find me.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Up and down....and down....and down...

The world's swinging around....this font looks strange...

Meh...this is vaguely less disconcerting...

I suppose I should probably start writing properly again...it used to be a great stress reliever...of course...so is singing and general music merriment.

Let's start with the basics. I'm tired, I'm anxious and I'm slipping into that stupid spiral again and I have no idea how to drag myself back out of it. See, there's this thing where you know you should be happy, but for some reason you just aren't.

Ordinarily speaking, I can blame this on generalised loneliness. Let's face it...I'm probably going to live the rest of my life alone and I'm not 100% certain that I'm concerned about that.

So honest truths? I have no intention of ever getting married, having kids, or doing the whole fall in love thing. Truth be told, my intentions are rarely ever considered useful, but here they are and I do hope it'll pan out one day.

The truth is...perhaps we should just move onto something less annoying. I want to write more, but uni's coming up, and if it isn't uni, it's something else I'll make up. I just don't want to write. Words don't feel the same anymore.

That isn't to say that I've forgotten how to use them. I still randomly doodle things, but it's not as smooth as it used to be. Used to be, I could just sit down and the words would just flow out of my pen. Or well....keyboard. And it still does...sort of. I just have no direction.

I started this thing to consider ranting about someone, then I realised, he's not worth it. Then I considered writing something (since it's been...sooooo long) but then nothing really inspires me at the moment. I considered writing something dramatic about my life, I've considered many dramatic moments in my life, but it just never pans out the right way.

I've noticed that there's a distinct lack of actual sense in this thing, but I figure, it's better out than in. I'm probably running on a new tangent now, but here's to the generalised lonely life I'm going to live and the possibly fascinating fails that will be piled up in it.

I want to get a job, but I don't want to leave the one I'm in. I like selling things, I like bringing people joy and making people laugh or smile. It doesn't always happen, but my life seems to have more meaning when it works. I hate making people cry but I still wind up doing it anyway. I hate hurting people's feelings but I can't seem to stop insulting people in general.

I hate the idea of being wrong, but I'm only human so it's not like I can stop that one from happening. I hate the fact that my voice automatically raises when I'm passionate about something, whether that be in happiness or anger. I hate that when I'm angry, I can imagine doing all the damage in the world, and then not have to do any of it.

Actually...I don't hate that...it's useful. I've had so many moments where I wish I could just break down and cry, and because I've imagined myself doing it, I don't have to do it anymore. It's sad only because if I actually want to be in pain, I can imagine a really depressing situation, and my heart will hurt just like it probably would have if it were true.

I hate how much my imagination has taken over my world. There's a distinct lack of actual reality in some of the things I do. Most of my time is taken up by my overactive imagination and it's depressing. Why am I so determined to live in a world that's not this one?

If I'm completely honest to myself, the answer to that is fairly simple. This world's not worth living in. But hey...let's be faithful to the possibilities this world holds. Let's be frank, there's plenty that this world holds.

The possibility of love, hate, anger and compassion. Those alone make this world fairly interesting. Jealousy, obsession, selfishness, and selflessness. The actions that we make are all controlled by feelings which were probably trained into us.

If you feel this certain emotion, your reaction should be this.

Sucks though...if you think about it. It means that every time you're angry, that overwhelming need to yell at someone was bred into you. My parents yell...I get the yelling thing from them. So what happens if your parents hit you...does that mean you get that instead?

Moving on...I've wasted enough time and I should honestly consider finishing this off before I fail to complete everything this week...

Who knows...maybe I'll actually write more often this time...