It’s not normal to feel like this but I really can’t help it.
I’d been counting how long it’d been since you had been out and I’m certain that I was losing my mind. You hadn’t been home yet and I knew that you had your work to do but I was really missing you and it was starting to cut deep.
I know that I ain’t pretty or anything, but I really wished you’d come home that night, I just wanted to be in your arms one last time…
You walked in again, and I turned in bed so I could watch you undress in the dark. You’re gorgeous. Every single muscle in your body seemed to ripple as you pulled your shirt off and I could feel the usual heat pool at my stomach till I was hot from desire.
I bit my lip as you slid into bed, something in my heart giving a twinge as I realised that I was never going to see you like this again after tonight. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. You don’t go to bed often, usually you prefer to sleep in the day, but you still get into bed and hold me close every night so that I wake up in your arms. It’s funny because sometimes I’d wake up before you do and I’d need to slide out of your embrace but it was nice because I needed to make you so tired that you’d forget everything on that night, then you’d be asleep when I left.
The rest of the night disappeared in moans, groans, screams and heat. I could barely keep my eyes open let alone get out of bed so I napped for a while, you wouldn’t be awake when I woke anyway. With that as a last thought, I let you pull me into your warm embrace and allow the darkness of peaceful sleep to take over.
Morning was so perfect that I was tempted to stay, just for a few more nights, but I knew that if I gave up tonight, I’d never leave. So summoning all my strength, I turned around in your arms to look you at your face.
You were a deep sleeper, so I had no fear of waking you if I touched you, though I knew kissing you would definitely wake you up. So I held my breath and did my best to curb the want that rose up unbidden as soon as I looked at you.
People say that you’re most perfect when you’re sleeping, all your defences are down and you would be like a fallen angel. You were no different. Your hair was splayed out and it was getting long again. I brushed your hair out of your face and studied you for the last time, touching your face gently to memorise every little detail that was distinctly you.
Taking in a breath, I careful squirmed out of your arms with aged practice and began to dress. I had set out my clothes last night, I had to have a nice exit so then I wouldn’t wake you up during my departure. I had packed during the week, little things really so that it wouldn’t look so obvious, giving you time to hold me back like I wanted you to. But you didn’t notice, and you probably didn’t see the fact that all my stuff was gone last night. I don’t think you’ll notice when I’m gone either.
It had started a while back and at first I had thought it was nothing but it gradually got worse and then I knew that you had grown sick of me. I supposed it took me a while to notice, but you were out later a lot more and you had an infernal grin on your face, one that made me want to ask you who it was. You used to wear that smile for me.
I picked up the first serious notion when you came home smelling like perfume and that grin was on your face. You said you needed a shower and went off into the bathroom and I thought little on it because I hoped that you had just been out in a pub all night following someone or something, doing your spy work. After that, I noticed that you came home and showered instantly about five times at irregular intervals, not to mention the smell changed a lot. At one point I found a number written on the back of a piece of paper that was on the kitchen table, when I called up a woman’s voice answered and it sounded so cultured and high class that I knew that whoever was on the other end was probably beautiful as well.
I know that I’m not smart or pretty or even good at anything, but I thought you loved me anyway. We had been together for something close to five years and you still seemed to enjoy my company. Maybe I had done something stupid, my job makes me work really hard most of the time and I remember not being able to come home a few times but you said you understood and maybe you didn’t.
I’m grabbing my bag and I’m almost out the door when you turn in your sleep and I can’t take it. I just want to turn around and go back to you, kiss you, never let you go and stay in your arms for eternity, but I knew that even if I wanted it, you didn’t. So I took a deep breath, put my bag down next to the front door, walked back into the bedroom like I usually did and kissed you softly. Your eyes fluttered open and you took in my appearance. I was dressed for work like usual and you didn’t think much of it.
You seemed to be fighting with something and I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t really want to ruin my morning with you dumping me or something equally stupid. So I put my finger against your lips and kissed you softly again.
“Go back to sleep,” I whispered. You seem to consider it before agreeing and snuggling back into the covers. I can’t resist the temptation to kiss your brow, you look adorable when you do that and you fidget a little before falling asleep again.
I’m walking down the corridor and I’m still holding the keys to your apartment. I don’t know if I want to get rid of them yet, somehow I like being able to walk back into your place, as though I could walk into your heart again. Breathing deep I put them in my bag and continue to walk. I need to leave this place behind; go down to the car park, get into my car and go to the place I have rented for the next few weeks for trial. At first everything is incident free; I’m sitting in my car and I’m about to leave the car park, but somehow I have the urge to turn around, run back upstairs and never leave or even think about leaving. But I breathe deeply and leave, turning into the street and driving towards work like I usually did.
The greatest thing about working in a building opposite the place you’re sleeping in is the fact that you don’t need to use the car as often anymore. It also meant that it was harder for someone to track you down no matter how influential they were. My job cut most people off, it didn’t matter who you were; you had to be an extremely influential person for you to be able to get anything out of the security people out front. After that you’d have to go through an entire building’s worth of people just to get one person’s details.
I knew that you were highly important because in your job, you could get information on everything and everyone. For the first week I was expecting you to pop up somewhere, possibly on your knees with a bunch of flowers or something. I even hoped I’d find you in my office and you would show me just how much you loved me. But nothing happened and I gave up hope, somehow thinking that you had moved on and knowing that you had moved on were completely different things.
It was something close to a month without you that I was sent home by my boss because I looked like hell. I hadn’t been sleeping well, eating well, or doing anything particularly well; except maybe my work. Though since I couldn’t drown myself into my work anymore I was forced to sit in my apartment; staring out at a window that had seen better days. I gingerly set about cleaning the place up before going out and buying a six pack of alcohol, something that usually made me seem more alive than I really was. I drank till I was drunk and passed out on my bed with vaguely dreamless sleep and woke up so hungry that I went and actually ate for the first time in weeks. It wasn’t just a snack anymore, it was a meal, and it was then that I realised that I’d do myself no good like this and set about rebuilding my life.
It was a week after I had my epiphany that you suddenly came into my life again. I was crossing the road and about to open the door to my work building when a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me towards them. I was too stunned to do anything and the smell was intoxicatingly familiar and I could do nothing but drown in a scent that I still dreamed about. I realised that I had probably been standing there with my eyes closed and breathing deep for the past few minutes before I looked up into your eyes. They were tired, angry but mostly sad and I wanted to hold you close and make you smile again, anything to get your eyes twinkling like I remembered them.
I noticed that you were only using one arm to hold me and looked at your left hand. A shirt, more correctly, my shirt was clutched in your hand like it was the only thing in the world that was important, as though it was your security blanket. You looked so lost and close to death that I had to take you back to my place, just to work out what was wrong.
P
Maybe it was just my mind, but I guiltily wished that you were like this because you had missed me and wanted to apologise or explain but I knew that it was probably your new girlfriend leaving you because I had left one of my shirts behind and you needed me to explain. My heart gave a jealous twinge and I couldn’t help but want to slap her so badly. Slap her for making him look so lost and slap her because I wanted you back so badly.
Calming my heart, I set myself into memory mode so that I would be able to dream about something other than our last night together. Everything was almost exactly as I had remembered. When I let you into my apartment, your eyes did a cursory sweep and I was certain you noticed the face that it was pretty much empty. You probably also noticed the fact that my bed was also in here and the fact that there were no televisions or computers in here. I shut the door and move into the kitchen nervously. I can feel your eyes on me all the way.
When in there, I grab a drink for us before coming back out. You weren’t in the room and I went around to the other three rooms to see if you were in any of them. They were pretty much empty except for the bathroom and a small room that I liked to hide in every now and then. A room I didn’t want you to find.
All the other rooms were empty, of furniture and of you and I was half praying that you were in the bathroom instead of that room. But when it was empty as well, I was beginning to dread looking into the last room and my hand was shaking as I opened the door.
It was a small room, more like a cupboard really, but it could fit three people in there. As I peered into the space after it, I could see that the light was on and you were standing there, looking around attentively and I tried so hard not to run away.
The room had pictures of us all over the walls, even on the back of the door and you had shut the door to probably see the ones there as well. You turned around as the door opened and I was trembling when you looked at me. There was an intensity in them that was sending shivers down my spine and I felt desire flow through my veins all over again.
I closed my eyes and was starting to back out when you grabbed my arm and pulled me in, shutting the door. I gasped in surprise and then your mouth was on mine, a searing kiss that was taking all my breath away. Your tongue was driving me crazy and your hand was heading to indecent places that were starting to burn from the contact. It was heaven and I didn’t know how I had managed to last so long without you.
I didn’t know how or when, but suddenly my back was on the wall and you were pressed up close, pushing me harder against the wall. You were tearing at my clothes and I was tearing at yours and despite the fact that I wanted this to last forever; there was an urgency that made me want to have you inside me right now.
It was fast, hard and it felt absolutely wonderful. For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but when I came down and looked into your eyes, I wanted to save that moment more than anything. The look in your eyes spoke volumes, just as mine probably did and I wanted you to stay with me.
Then I pulled away as though stung, I had forgotten about your girlfriend and I was horrified that I had done something so stupid as to let my guard down around you. I started to back away and hit the wall, cursing myself to have been on the wrong wall as I looked at the door over your shoulder; I spluttered out apologies and began thinking of the best way out of this situation. You took a step forward and effectively cut off all my escape routes. Lifting your hand, you put a finger on my lips gently, and I was silent as I stared into your eyes, getting lost in their depths again.
“Why are you apologising?” you ask, your voice so soft and yet it reverberated in my body.
“I forgot that you already have a girlfriend,” I whispered, scared of what your reaction would be.
I shouldn’t have worried because you stared at me blankly for a moment and then started to laugh. I didn’t know what to do and it was beginning to hurt, I know that you had probably broken up with her for some reason but you didn’t have to laugh at me over it. Finally you seemed to notice that I wasn’t laughing and you looked deep into my eyes.
“I have only one girlfriend,” you said. I stared at you confused.
“Who is she?” I asked, afraid of the answer, not quite sure if I wanted it or not.
“You”
I looked at you dumbfounded but your eyes were twinkling.
“She was right,” you whisper, “you really are stupid.”
That cut like a knife and I could feel my heart shattering inside and I pushed you away, tears in my eyes as I made my way for the door. You pulled me back before I could even reach the knob.
“Stop being stupid and listen to me,” you said. I looked down at my feet and watched the tears fall.
“I love you with all my heart, and considering what we just did I hope you feel the same way,” you said, tilting my head up to meet your gaze.
“Am I right?” you whispered; concern in your eyes as you looked into mine as though you could read the answer there.
“Yes,” I whispered back, tears beginning to flow for a completely different reason.
“Did you know I was setting up for something big when you started to pack? I was so wrapped up in preparing for it, I forgot that you didn’t know and she said that you thought I’d stopped loving you. She also mentioned that you called her and probably got the wrong idea,” you said, your hand wiping away my tears.
“What were you doing then?” I asked, curious despite myself.
“Was preparing for this,” you said, before dropping to one knee and looking up at me. I could feel my throat tighten and my heart was pounding in my ears.
“Will you marry me?” you asked, holding out a ring that seemed to glow in the dim light. My emotions were running rampant and I dropped to my knees and kissed you deeply.
“Can I take that as a yes?” you asked. I laughed and nodded as you pushed the ring onto my finger.
But I’ll say it now, for this is the biggest fight we’ve ever had and the biggest one we’ll ever have, but I love you; completely and utterly, inside and out…
