Friday, December 23, 2005

For Mum

The pale moon, the only light within this tiny Eden, is swallowed by the ebony of night. The hidden trees offer a foreboding presence and the icy water is a silent blue. A chill wind brings ripples through the solid complexion of the lake, flowing through the grass until the leaves join with the forest’s symphony. The soft music and the solemn darkness, enhance the breathtaking existence of the glade that awaits the dawn of a new era.

For Mum's Chrissy pressie
"grins"

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Guardian

You weren’t supposed to know me,
Remember me,
See me.

And yet you did.

I’ll still hide from you
Never tell you
Never say the words.

I’m not really sure it’s real.

You could never see me like that,
Like a lover,
Like your forever.

Maybe I should just wait.

It’s probably just a phase,
Just a moment,
Just a time between.

I’ll wait for it to pass by.

I still feel it when I’m with you,
I’m by your side,
I’m right behind you.

A silent guard for your heart.

KC - 22/12/05

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Neglecting Her

He lay in bed with every intention of dying rather than face the truth that she had actually left. Not just slammed the door and spent the day at a friends place, but emptied the entire apartment of her, lifted up and disappeared. Then again, he hadn’t made much of a move to look for her, possibly because the note had been so blatantly obvious and undeniably truthful. He had lost her and she was never coming back.

Understandably, when someone loses the love of their life, they tend to be distraught and incapable of much other than breathing. But when you lose someone that you’ve given your entire heart to, you tend to make breathing become a chore, or more correctly, something to preoccupy the mind with.

It would have been a lie to say that every breath was torture, because that would be like saying being stabbed in the heart was just a scratch. Breathing for him was something akin to deliberately forcing air into his lungs before expelling once again. That was just his lungs, if you reached further in a little, you’d touch his heart, but it was barely even beating anymore, just enough of a flutter to keep the blood pumping.

And the blood was definitely pumping, he was sane enough to note that every single second he was still alive, his love was probably somewhere else having the time of her life with her ‘new man’. His bland face twisted into a sneer as he turned onto his side, he could think of a million things to do to that ‘new man’ but none of them would ever be realised. She loved him, or at least that’s what she wrote, and he wouldn’t get in the way if it was truly how she felt. But if he ever hurt her, so help her God he would see him writhing in pain and screaming for mercy until he forgot his own name.

Scrunching the piece of paper up in his hand, he glared daggers at the boring walls that surrounded him. Unclenching his fist, he smoothed the note out once again, sighing before he turned back up to stare at the ceiling.

It was getting hot again. He should probably motivate himself enough to turn on the fan before he melted into a pile of mush, but he figured that if he died it would be somewhat of a blessing. Thinking about the reason demise seemed so wonderful; he closed his eyes to remember the beauty in his memory.

It had started in high school. Well, they had met in high school but the group separations that divided people in there were too strong for him to have ever even noticed her as anything except the brainy girl that was too pure and innocent to be anything other than an angel. The only thing that he could say with certainty was that she hadn’t changed despite the years that had passed since graduation before they met again.

They were in a club and through the dim lighting he had noticed an angel dancing, it was only logical for him to try his luck and see if he could get her. Surprisingly she had agreed and the dance was provocative to say the least. As natural with any hot blooded male when presented with a woman that was more than willing, one thing lead to another and they were at his apartment and exploring his bed until dawn. At which point sleep was a necessity and he was eternally grateful that it was only Saturday morning.

He woke up to find her missing and a small note that basically said thankyou for last night and that she hoped she’d see me again some time. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the only way you could do that when you don’t have a phone number or address was to find her at the club again. This was probably when being the friend of the owner of said club came in handy and being allowed priority entry was perfect for him. The greatest thing about being friends with the club owner was the small viewing area that was hidden behind glass high above everyone else.

The worst thing about that room was that if you ever wanted to get in and it happened to be locked, you had to wait until whoever was inside felt like unlocking it. It was soundproof, the glass was only one way, there was only one exit and he had stood there, waiting for whoever was inside to feel like unlocking the door. So it was one hell of a surprise to have someone grab him and yank him inside.

Just before the door even clicked shut, lips were already attacking his and when his eyes finally adjusted to the extra light from inside he was captured by the beauty before him again. She was practically glowing, but that could have been from the light behind her, whatever it was, that entire evening was spent with her far above the club and high into the heavens. When he woke up, she was in his arms this time, but she was also sleeping on his chest which made escape impossible, not that escape was much of an issue.

Trying to refrain from doing anything drastic to alert her to his current awake state, he looked down and instantly regretted it. If she didn’t look so utterly perfect where she was, he wouldn’t have had any problems, but male as he was, he couldn’t help the surge of pleasure that ran through his body. Hoping she wouldn’t move or wake up or do anything even remotely similar, he tried to think of anything that would take his mind off his current aroused state.

The moment she moaned in her sleep, he knew the cause was lost and endeavoured to wake her in the most pleasurable way possible. That lead to another few hours locked in that room with her and he was never more grateful that the room was so protected. He was grinning madly up at the ceiling and the pride he had had by making her scream was still evident as he watched the white ceiling turn grey as evening descended and another day ended without her by his side.

Closing his eyes he ran through the last two years of his life with her…

When he opened his eyes again, it was already deep into the night and insects and friends were making noises outside. Running a hand through his hair, he reflexively turned towards the other side of the bed, ready to cuddle the woman that he had been thinking about for the last few hours. Touching empty bed tore his heart in two and he turned back to the ceiling, the past month running through his mind.

It was coming up to another anniversary and he had the desire to outrank the romantic evening he had planned they year before. So he started by designing the perfect necklace for her, down to the perfect shade and size of the gem. The next thing was paying his friends to get the necklace together, but he couldn’t idle so he helped them out. He hadn’t meant to neglect her like that, but it took a lot out of him to go from one side of the city to the other and then back home in one day.

Telling her was out of the question, so he said that he had to do some extra work. It wasn’t exactly a lie, though perhaps a twist on the truth, but he figured that when she saw it she’d understand. His friend Eliza had laughed her head off when he had asked her for help, nevertheless she gave him what he needed and he set about making the necklace.

Every night for the entire month and sometimes when he forgot what time it was, he had slept there as well. Whenever he managed to make it home, it was so late that he ended up sleeping on the couch so as to not wake her up. It got to the point where she just left a blanket and pillow on the couch for him and he was grateful for it, though perhaps it was his weariness that made sure he didn’t understand the other meaning in it.

Looking back he was an absolute idiot and what’s more, he hadn’t even slept next to her for at least a month. The necklace came along perfectly though and right on schedule. This meant that on the anniversary, he had come home blissfully happy with himself at having completed it and holding the thin black box in his hand, he was so proud of himself he had whistled all the way up to the apartment.

He glared at the ceiling. It was obvious he had stuffed up the moment he walked into a bare bedroom that was completely wiped of all trace of her. The sheets had been changed, her clothes removed, the bathroom had nothing that even signified she had lived there for one and a half years. He had stared at the black box and wondered what he had done wrong for about an hour before it hit him, though it helped that she had practically spelled it out for him on the note she left.

She had said that they had both found new people, he had been blissfully confused but it didn’t escape his ability to understand that someone as perfect as her had probably left him for someone more worthy. After reading it about ten times, it finally sank in that she had actually left, with another man, and probably permanently. Clutching the box he stood up and endeavoured to give it to her in the only way he knew, through her friends.

Now her friends were a different story, they didn’t openly dislike their relationship, but they weren’t fully supportive either. That seemed to change the moment he knocked on the door to one of her best friends though. One of them opened the door and upon recognising him, settled on glaring daggers at him. As if that wasn’t nerve wrecking enough, she called out and in a moment practically all of them were standing at the door and glaring. Sighing in defeat, he handed the box to them and muttered something about giving it to her since he didn’t know what else to do with it. They took it wordlessly and spoke of throwing it out but he just walked back to his apartment and essentially didn’t do anything. That was almost a day ago, or maybe it was a day and he just didn’t notice the time going by.

Thinking about it, he figured that he must have looked like a joke carrying a note in one hand and a box in the other. But then again he must look stupid now since he hasn’t done anything except lie in bed like a rock with the occasional turn to alleviate muscles from the strain of full body weight.

Dreaming up another memory he was dimly aware that daylight was beginning to seep through the curtains and into the room. It wasn’t until he heard the phone ring that he actually noticed that the sun was in the room already. Technically it was outside his window and making the entire room boiling, but then again he hadn’t eaten in a while so it seemed like it was right in front of him anyway.

It took two more rings before he had managed to shuffle himself into the other room and pick up the phone. The moment he heard a woman’s voice his hopes soared, but the moment he realised it was just Eliza he felt his heart burying further into the earth. So close yet so far from the core.

“So what did she think of the present?” she asked. He stood clueless for a while, unsure of what to say and unwilling to admit that the hard work had been an absolute waste of time.

“HELLO!!” screamed Eliza, breaking him out of his reverie.

“What?” he asked.

“What’d she do?” she asked, her voice quiet, as though preparing for something bad.

“Nothing I suppose,” he replied “well you see, I don’t really know if she…well it’s kind of complicated cause…I’m not sure if she…that is she might not have…and it wasn’t that good a job but…”

Suddenly the receiver was wrenched from his hand and she spoke.

“I loved it. Thankyou for everything you did,” she said. She then proceeded to chat with Eliza as though she had done it all her life.

He looked at her. It was perfect, she was perfect. It was almost like she never left. He wondered if he had finally gone nuts or not and noted that she was wearing the necklace like he had always imagined. He blinked a few times and actually saw that she had hung up a while ago.

Swallowing, he closed his eyes and shook his head before wandering back into his room. Nothing was complicated in there. But she didn’t let him, whatever she was, and he felt a hand touch his arm. Her touch burned deep into his blood and he winced. He forgot what she could do to him and she looked at him carefully.

“Are you going to say anything to me?” she asked, her voice sounded like she was about to cry. He turned around to face her, confusion in his eyes as he tried to think of what she could possibly want from him now.

“Did you leave something behind?” he asked. She closed her eyes and put her arm down.

“No”

“Then why are you here?” he continued, confused and more than a little lost.

“I thought that you might want this back,” she whispered, moving to take the necklace off.

“Why would I? I made it for you and it looks good on you,” he replied, turning back towards the trek to his room.

“You made it for me?” she asked, a little surprised. He felt anger stab through his haze faster than anything else.

“What?” he demanded to the air. “Didn’t you think I was good enough? That I’m not half as perfect as whatever man you have now?! I made it alright? It’s not perfect but it still looks nice on you. I’m sorry if your new man might think it’s not good enough and I even reconsidered giving that trash to you, but I figured that I might as well since I have nothing else to do with it!”

“New man?” she asked, lost for the first time.

“Yes! Your ‘new man’!” he yelled, shoving the forgotten note into her face.

“If you wanted me to say something, then here: have a great life with whoever he is, I hope he makes you damned well happy,” he said, the fire leaving his eyes and the anger leaving his voice, trailing away into sadness. He trudged back into his room, ready to sleep for the next few centuries.

“There is no new man,” she said. It was barely louder than a whisper but he heard it well enough and stopped in his tracks, swinging around instantly ready to let another tirade about ‘new women’ instead. Then he saw her face, she was looking up at him with tears in her eyes and the note in her hands was trembling.

“I thought you were cheating on me,” she explained, a tear escaping and running down her face.

“Why on earth would I cheat on you?” he asked, walking back towards her.

“You never slept in the same bed as me and someone called Eliza called twice while you were sleeping so I figured you didn’t want me anymore,” she muttered, looking down to avoid his gaze.

“I would never cheat on you,” he said, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her on the head softly.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered after a few minutes.

“So am I,” he said, tilting her head up to give her a soft kiss.

“How bout you tell me next time?” he asked, “we can avoid all the heartache.”

She gave a strangled laugh and sniffled, melting against him as she just breathed him in.

“There’s going to be a next time?” she asked tentatively.

“Of course, think of all the anniversaries still to come and then you have birthdays, Christmas and Valentine’s Day”

She laughed and kissed him gently.

“We won’t have any of them if you don’t shower sometime soon,” she whispered.

He laughed, the tension forgotten, and focussed on the feel of her in his arms.

“Love you,” he whispered.

“Love you too,” she said, smiling up at him.

At that precise moment his stomach made its presence known for the first time in the last few days. She quirked her eyebrow at him and he looked decidedly sheepish.

“I wasn’t hungry,” he muttered.

She just laughed and told him to have a shower; the food would be waiting when he came back out. It was the fastest shower he had ever had in his life.

Here's to the christmas that everyone's waiting for...and in celebration of no more exams!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Talking to Oneself

What’s it mean when a man says he loves her?
What does it mean when she says she loves him back?

She walked down the street, her mind running in circles as she tried to work out what had put her in this situation in the first place. Picking up the knife she stared at it for a while, wondering what to do with it, what would happen if she did what she had wanted to do for years.

The weirdest thing was that she had been so deep into this that it was killing her slowly anyway, but every single beat of her heart was worse than any knife could ever make it. She was starting to feel hollow again. The stabbing pain of rejection forgotten as her mind remembered moments where it had been cut before, where she had felt so useless and unwanted.

Closing her eyes tight, she tried to fight, another side of her mind presenting the other argument, but it was weak now, weak as it always was when she scratched. Her heart was fighting with her mind and it was making her so confused. Last time it had taken less than an hour to convince her heart that it was the best thing to do, but then someone had talked her out of it and her heart had held the mind captive again, giving it logical reasons to stay, stay in this world forever.

The knife was heavy in her hand and she took a deep breath before opening her eyes carefully and staring at the knife that sat there in her grip. It was shining, a silvery kind of colour with light glinting off it to make an even more perfect sight than before.

“You’re no one,” she whispered, a tear threatening to fall.

“You’re everything to someone,” her heart fought back.

“No you’re not, you were born nothing and you’ll die nothing. That’s how it works.”

“Stop lying to yourself, you still have family and friends.”

She laughed to herself, a hysterical laugh that was more in her mind than out loud and she continued to examine the knife with an almost hypnotised expression. She touched the blade gently, lightly, almost reverently and closed her eyes. It was time to end this argument, whichever way it wanted to fall. She set down the knife and sat upon the stool, staring into space as she let her mind battle out the final decision of tonight.

“There’s so much more to live for. Other people have dealt with this before and they come out fine, why make a mess for yourself?”

“I’m not other people. I’m not as smart. Nor do I have the strength to fight for so long and still manage to survive.”

“Fight? You’ve been running not fighting!”

“Running tires you out anyway”

“Stop lying to yourself”

“What lying? Is it my fault I’m being realistic?”

“You’re being cynical and you know it”

“Nothing missed there”

“Take a step back and look for the happy moments!”

“What happy moments?”

“If you’d stop ignoring them, you’d see them”

“Ignorance is bliss”

“Not in this case it isn’t”

“I’m nothing in this world, I’ll be nothing for the rest of eternity, why fight what’s coming?”

“Because not everyone sees it your way”

“I’m hurting people, hurting people I’d die to protect”

“Then try living with them and not behind them”

“I follow leaders. It’s pointless to try and make this world without someone to watch your back”

“So while you’re watching their backs, who’s watching yours?”

“Does it matter? I dun need to live through life any other way. I will live, breathe and die much the same as any other”

“Still you want to escape, why must you fight the need to live? It’s only human”

“Perhaps humanity is what makes me want to die”

The conversation went into a fairly simple route after that, points presented and refuted, slowly and surely, one side coming out victor.

I wrote this in August....dun mess with the mind...

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Bard's Tale

He stood up and looked over the hushed crowd. A bard by nature but a very frivolous young man all the same, full of indulgence and endearing qualities that made him perfect as a performer of stories and legends.

The crowd stared at him and he waited a second more before beginning his story…

He was a Master of Fire, he was the best of their kingdom and could make fire fly in every direction with full control and look as though he was doing nothing more than smiling. A man with power to be reckoned with and a man that could light the world with his magic, for all that he could do, there was one small issue with his temper.

As with most fiery controllers, he had an anger that could destroy entire cities, and to most people this danger made them worth fearing more than knowing. They were not shunned, but his people were treated with a wariness that hurt many a man’s pride. He was not excluded and perhaps he was feared more than any other, for where he walked, people hid and cowered, unwilling to challenge a man of such power and wealth.

She was a Water Goddess, trained in the ways of water; she could drown three men with nothing but a twirl of her finger and could probably simply allow the sea to swallow an entire village with nothing but a nod of her head. She was feared by the villagers, some say more so than the man, but many say that they were equals even then.

The Fire Masters and Water Goddesses never openly shunned each other, but fire was not made to mix with water and thus they never crossed each other. But she had a secret of great worth, she did not dislike her home of water magic but she chose to walk as a commoner, ignorant of the wealth that she owned back home.

It was in one of the many trips she made into the village as a commoner that she met him. Her first opinion was simple, he was arrogant, ignorant and even more so, probably a player. In short, she did not like him at all, but a second glance made her note that despite his shortfalls as a man of little care, he was definitely an Adonis gliding this world. He had the sculpted muscles, the piercing eyes, and he had probably had every single woman that had offered herself to him. That would probably have meant every single woman in the village and even the random travellers and adventurers that ran through occasionally.

She chose to ignore him at that point, if for no other reason than because his half nakedness was starting to make her flushed. He on the other hand barely took note of him, preferring to walk through the streets as a self-proclaimed gift to everyone that lay eyes on him. But his mind was troubled and his heart was heavy despite the mask that he wore. His father had made an ultimatum and one he had to meet within the next few weeks before his day of birth.

It was simple and yet for him he did not like the idea at all. He needed a wife. He knew that any woman would probably drop to their knees before him but therein lay his problem. He disliked the women simply because they were so easy, a common flaw in many men that had all that they could possibly want presented on a platter.

As an audience I’m sure you know what happened. When he saw a woman that was not ogling him, in fact she was quite determined to ignore him; he was enraptured and instantly sought her company. His first words to her were unrefined, though they were more from her lack of caring than from his lack of trying and it was in her annoyance that bid his anger to rise.

At first she felt like she was burning from inside out but a quick spell remedied that and he seemed surprised. He had however, bid her ire to rise and thus he was instantly doused in freezing cold water, water that chilled him to the core as soon as it hit his naked flesh. With a wry smile she whispered an incantation that made the water freeze and he was of solid ice before her.

He smiled, loving the challenge that she poised and watched her walk down the street and turn a corner before melting the ice and going home, happiness making him forget all the troubles that awaited him there.

The bard paused taking a drink of water and allowing some of the new listeners be filled in with some of the storyline. His eyes strayed towards the back of the room where a hooded figure stood. Wary but not alarmed, the bard continued, his face trained to remove any fear or worry he felt at the presence of someone that radiated power.

The story from there is tedious and as expected. He wooed her, she played hard to get, but eventually love wins everything and they were together every day as much as possible. Typically their parents disliked this and frowned upon them so they left, moving deep into the forest to escape the need to explain their relationship constantly.

Some say that it was their isolation that led to their destruction, others say that it was their love that ultimately led to the slaughter that occurred, but whichever way it was, he was captured one day whilst he was busy finding food or perhaps even chopping firewood. The ways are differed from tale to tale, but he was captured none the less and was tortured by the merciless empire of Faugst.

He watched as many of the women gasped and even some of the men looked horrified. It was already known that Faugst was the empire that was trying to destroy us, and on top of that it was the reason why the room was lacking in men that were able bodied enough to fight.

It had seemed like months, but a few weeks later the poor man had endured every torture they could think of, every torture but the last. A woman was thrown into the room, the very woman that he had fallen in love with, the very woman that held his heart, soul and mind together even after having his body mutilated in every possible way.

She was still defiant despite an obvious wound on her cheek, but the instant she was brought in, his entire mind shut down. Anger was the first to rise, disguising his fear, followed with the fire that came with the emotional turmoil. He wanted to save her, but he wanted to tear them to shreds for hurting her as well.

Whatever his decision, he knew he had to escape the cell they had placed him in, but more than magic was holding him back and he watched as they raped her. Not once or twice, but over and over again. Her screams were unheeded and a mere lacing to the laughter that they were making with every scream she made. His rage began to take him over and he began to burn up, fire within him escaping until he was an inferno.

The moment they realised that he had managed to burn most of the wards, they held her up towards the cage and he watched her agonised face turn one more smile for him before she gasped in pain and knife was just visible through her chest. Blood ran down her face, most of it dried and mixed with the release of their captors, but fresh blood ran down from the edge of her mouth, dripping to the ground.

Before the men even had a chance to react and before the first drop of blood even reached the ground, a fiery inferno had engulfed everything. Their screams unheard, their shouts for help unheeded, the man looked at the ashes of his wife and screamed his rage. His arms raised to the heavens as a ball of fire escaped from him, spanning wider and wider, destroying everything in its way.

The bard halted his story once more, many of the women were gripping onto their seats in fear and pity, and some of the more emotional ones were reduced to tears already. He squandered his desire to roll his eyes and continued with his tale, unwilling to keep his audience waiting.

Rumour has it that he ran from there after that. He had destroyed the entire military encampment and even some of the surrounding grassland. Many say that he escaped into the forest and haunts the place where they used to live; killing those that dared enter and once he even slaughtered an entire family.

A woman gasped and the bard looked at her, tear tracks were still on her face.

“But these are merely stories and no one knows for sure anymore,” he concluded, wondering how he had managed to last so far into the story without any emotion on his voice.

“Is he …still alive?” asked one of the women, fear in her eyes.

“No one knows for sure, but people dare not enter that forest for fear that he is,” whispered the bard.

Shudders passed through the crowd. A mad man that was so powerful, it was frightening for many of the older people, they had seen the aftermath because they were the ones who had been called to help fight the fires which had raged at the time. The story was old, but it seemed that the past was not that long ago.

The bard stood up and bowed.

“If you’ll excuse me now, it seems the journey here has tasked me more than I would dare to say,” he said, his words silken as he wove them to the women in the crowd.

As he walked up the stairs towards his room, he knew that the cloaked man was following him. He was also distinctly aware that he should probably consider running if he wanted to see the next sunrise.

One he was in his room, he instantly grabbed his bag and threw it out the window and quickly jumped after it, rolling as soon as he landed on the ground. Running into the forest was a bad idea, but it was the option left open for him and he took it, charging in and dodging as many branches as he could see in the dim moonlit night.

A hand grabbed hold of his shoulder and he rolled around, out of his grip but stopped short when he saw a wall of fire in front of him. Breathing hard, he turned around and looked into the shadowed face of the man from the inn.

“Did you want an autograph, because I don’t actually have a pen on me right now,” said the bard, his eyes darting around him to look for the nearest exit.

“I don’t want an autograph,” said the hidden man, with a cool, collected voice.

“I don’t have any epitaphs that I can make in this position, sorry for whoever died,” he said, frantic for an escape.

“I don’t want an epitaph,” replied the man, not even a hint of emotion in his voice.

“Then what do you need?” demanded the bard. He had realised that this was one situation he could never talk himself out of and was getting agitated.

“Merely to talk,” said the man, pushing back his hood to reveal a young man that didn’t seem to be a month older than the bard himself.

“You’re dead,” muttered the astonished bard.

“On the contrary,” replied the Fire Master.

“But they said you were, they even displayed your body,” protested the bard.

The Fire Master merely laughed. “I will not leave this world without her, and if I must wait three thousand years before her reincarnation comes back, I shall wait for her,” he said, the emotion complimenting him in a way that would have turned a woman’s legs to jelly.

“Then what do you need me for?” asked the bard, panicking and frightened of what seemed a decidedly psychopathic man; a dangerous one too.

“I need you to find her for me,” whispered the Master, his eyes clouding over as though he was reliving a memory that had been long forgotten.

“I’m sorry to say M’lord but she’s a little dead,” said the bard wryly.

“Not to me,” said the Master, his eyes flashing dangerously. The bard gulped.

“Then where is she?” challenged the bard, though his voice came out as a little squeakier than usual.

“That’s what I need you to tell me,” said the Master, “finish the story you have made, I need to know where she went.”

The bard stared at him. If this man was for real he needed a life, if he was a joke, he needed to be punched. Trying to puzzle out what he meant left the bard staring at a point just over the man’s shoulder.

“Tell him that she’s not here anymore,” whispered a distinctly female voice. The bard swung around and saw nothing but heard a soft breathy laugh in his ear that sent shivers down his spine.

“She’s not here anymore M’lord,” said the bard obediently.

“Then where is she?” demanded the Master.

“Tell him to go home and the answer would be in the rivers hidden there,” the woman whispered.

“Homewards and in the rivers hidden there,” said the bard, the hairs on his neck standing on end.

“Then there is where I go, thankyou bard, you have done me a great service. I will be at your call forever more,” said the man before a sudden flash and darkness had descended upon the area.

“Thankyou,” whispered the voice.

“What for?” gulped the bard, hoping that the ghost would leave soon.

“For helping him, I just needed him in the right place. If you ever need us, we’ll be there,” she said, the voice fading away.

The bard took a few minutes to regain his composure before going back to the inn, though it was a little confusing at the moment, he decided that he could always wait for another day to think on it.

It so happened that years from then, he fell for the daughter of the Faugst Emperor, and was minutes from death with the Emperor himself holding the knife at his throat when two being stepped out from what appeared to be a thin veil of mist.

“Your Empirical Majesty,” said the man, sarcasm making the words more an insult than a title. The woman twirled her finger and the Emperor dropped the knife, letting it fall harmlessly to the ground.

“Love should never be stopped,” whispered the woman, her words like a breeze yet chilling to the bone. The Man stepped out of the mist and grabbed the Emperor.

“We have times to catch up on, Emperor,” he said, spitting out the title.

“And many lifetimes to do so in,” said the woman laughter in her voice.

“Guards,” yelled the Emperor, but all that did was come out as a gargle as water rose into his mouth, drowning him.

“You two might want to run now,” the woman said with a lilt in her voice.

“We’ll deal with him. Our debt is repaid bard, you better treat her well,” said the man, dragging the drowning Emperor into the mist.

“Enjoy your life together bard, and do find us when you pass over,” said the woman before the mist swirled thicker and disappeared altogether.

The bard grasped the woman he loved and ran for it, silently thanking every single God he could think of as he left the empire in the dust. Perhaps being a bard had some quirks after all…

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Cliché

At first it was lust, pure physical desire that ignored everything else. You had a great body, I had a passable one, and it worked. We’d drown ourselves in each other every night, and occasionally even in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. It was no great secret that our careers meant a lot to us, we usually worked non-stop and the stress was enough to kill someone.

That was where the agreement came from. It was proven that sex was a stress reliever and it was not lying when they passed the results from the tests. Every single time we were together, we would loose ourselves to the feeling of the moment and I could feel all the pent up frustration of not managing to solve a problem, ease away in seconds.

The agreement was simple. We would use each other, call upon each other at any point of time, and meet at locations set by either person. You would have to show up unless there was a dire need to be somewhere else, usually work related, or a date with another person that was possibly of long-term commitment. Dating outside of the agreement was possible, though with our careers it seemed like it wouldn’t happen, but if the possibility arose, we would follow it.

I guess the whole point of the agreement was that we were sex buddies, friends with benefits, whatever you wanted to call it, and for us, it worked. Sad to say that we didn’t really start out as friends, we had met at a dinner party for out companies and after a night of stress relief, we had struck the bargain, both of us being such work related people.

Somewhere along the line I fell in love. Considering it was a purely physical relationship, it was perhaps the most stupid thing that ever happened. At first I simply hid it, but the need for relief was growing and we began to schedule meetings a little more frequently. Projects were due and the stress began to pile onto both of us. Thus we began to see each other nightly, or more correctly daily, weekends included.

The idiotic part of this was when we didn’t stop seeing each other daily after the due dates were met. It seemed like you were a drug and a very addictive one because you began to come into my daydreams and then all I could think of was you. That was essentially the first sign that I had fallen in love, that and the small tingly feeling I had whenever you touched me.

I suppose I had always known that lust could only last for so long before something else took over. The normalcy of seeing you every night was starting to strain my body, but it was a nice strain that would technically keep me fit as well. As it was, when in love with someone that you shouldn’t be, there is always the pain of aftermath, or in our case, the pain of seeing you with someone else.

In the beginning it was simple. You couldn’t make it every night because you had a date, or you couldn’t make it for an entire week because you had work and her, but I didn’t think much of it, you had had other flings and they had ended soon enough. But then it began to grow, it went to the point where you didn’t see me for a fortnight or maybe even a month and I grew restless.

One night when I had just sent an email to tell you to meet me at a hotel we frequented, you replied with an email that said the contract was over. Apparently this woman meant more to you than you had impressed upon me because you seemed serious enough to break our agreement.

I had been shocked to say the least, but mainly I was panicking and wondering how to get you back. I knew you probably didn’t feel the same way as me but you meant the world to me. The number of ways I could get you back was swarming my mind and through my agony and my desire for you, I went to the restaurant that you were going to be at.

The first thing I noticed was the way you were sitting so dejectedly. All I wanted to do was go up to you and tell you that I loved you, hold you in my arms and explain that this was a pointless contract that we should never have made. Just as I was about to walk towards you, your eyes lit up and I felt flattered that you would feel that way about me. That was until I noticed that you weren’t looking at me.

I turned around and walking through the door, a beautiful woman strode in with an air of confidence that would have flattened everyone else in the room in comparison. I swallowed my pain and sat down, ordering something light so that I could watch you undisturbed.

Throughout the night, you were staring into her eyes and she was staring back just as dreamily. It became apparent that I was nothing when compared to her and it was obvious that it didn’t matter who I was because in all actuality I was nothing more than a woman on the side. Though I believe the more common term for it is a slut.

Finishing up, I left, my heart breaking into pieces and tears threatening to spill with every step closer to my apartment I made. I was probably a useless pile of tears by the time I had landed in bed, not even bothering to remove my dress as I curled up and cried my heart out onto my pillow.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t had my share of men, but I had hoped that you would learn to fall in love with me too. A depressing thought that was a side effect of infatuation and all that it encompassed, but it was a nice thought that had me living every night. It gave me a reason to wake up to every morning and walk through the double doors of my work building and into the awaiting stack of paperwork and computers that accompanied it.

It was over. Not a simple thing to wrap my mind around, but settled and truthful and I had to be happy for you, even if my heart didn’t want to listen. My life became something akin to a shell, working from 8 in the morning to something like 8 at night; I didn’t eat much food and didn’t sleep much anymore.

Very unhealthy if you thought about it, but then again I never was a very healthy person before I met you. Thinking back I suppose that you had let me live longer than I probably would have considering all the habits that I changed because of you. Word was sent to me to tell me that you were promoted and on top of that you were engaged. Not an easy task but one I’m sure you’d excel at.

Depressing story I supposed, now that I wrote it out and actually read it to myself, I realise that I’m probably one of the most stupid romantics of all time. I was waiting for love to come to me, I was waiting for prince charming and when he came, I let him slip through my fingers because I had held on to other things instead. I should probably consider telling you that I had a child, a beautiful baby girl that is one of the highlights of my life.

She comes into the room and I can’t help but smile anymore. I have something like a boyfriend, though I think he’s playing me because my money seems to get swallowed up by him. It doesn’t matter much though, he loves my daughter with the ferocity a father would give and that’s all that I need from him. He isn’t too bad I suppose, he knows how to rid me of my stress and even if he is a little heavy with his money I suppose he’s better than nothing.

I can’t love him, I don’t have a heart left for that, but I love my daughter enough and I hope that makes up for everything else. She’s highly intelligent and she’s already reading and everything, searching the house for material she hasn’t seen before and when I take her to a library, she drowns herself in all the words written there.

You probably haven’t seen me after the last time we had sex. But I had seen you a few times afterwards. After the dinner incident, I saw you at another person’s wedding but I left before you could see me and after I had greeted the bride and groom. After that, I saw you at a luncheon, which I left immediately, and at a staff party similar to the first time we had met. That was where I had decided to find myself and new man and one that was more long-term.

My life is riddled with times where I could have thrown myself at your feet but held back enough to make sure I didn’t do anything quite as incriminating. This is turning into a drama, something you’d probably find in home and away or some other cheesy soapie, but I guess that’s the whole point, my love life is cliché.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

PHOTOS!!!





one day .... on a saturday....
technically on twiggy's b'day...
we all went and got photo-ed...
so here they are
the results of waking up early for something that mum said we had to
"grins"

Dreams

A simple dream,
Deep purple skies, rolling.
Thunder in the distance.

A lucid dream,
Forked lightning, striking.
Rain tumbling around me.

A remembered dream,
Three years of nightmares,
The memories constant.

A horrid dream,
Of you, of me; haunting past.
No longer together.

A wishful dream,
Full of hope, heartfelt sorrow.
Come back, please.

Kat - 22/9/05

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Truth Lies

I sit in and stare, my face is in shadow, my body in light;
I’m useless and stupid, and my position shows it perfectly.
It’s like another movie where the lighting shows me here,
To prove that I am but a liar and a weaver of half-truths.
With my hands in my lap, my body in an innocent pose,
You cannot see my face, or the scowl that settles upon it,
But I’m sure you can feel the glare that I am sending out.
My eyes that bore within you as though to take you apart;
Delve into your mind of hidden secrets, caches of truths,
That no mortal has ever known before, not even I know.

Your eyes may close, but you know that when they open,
You shall see the glare that reads your soul in simplicity.
Open your mind, your body is too confining, imagine it.
Can you tell the lies from truth from where you watch me?
Can you understand the need for me to hide it all away?
But you don’t need to answer; the answer is in your eyes,
You have no clue why I lie with all that I am, and will be;
You cannot comprehend the need to hide in reputation.
You are confused as to why I am determined to be alone.
You do not understand my need to be nothing; disappear.

I’m running away, like I always do I guess, for eternity,
But this time I won’t be coming back, I don’t need to,
Everyone has someone else to hold on to, to remember,
An idiotic child is not needed in this world, not now,
Not ever, not until hell freezes over and heaven burns.
That’s what I see you know, what’s hidden in your eyes.
You know that; you’re afraid of that, but you still hope.
You don’t want them to know the truth, or see the scars.
You’re afraid they’ll turn from you, leave you behind.
Do what everyone else has done since you were young.

But I can see all that; see the fear, the hope, the dreams,
I can see the love you hold for them, for all around you;
But you want to hide all that, to hide all the pain inside.
I can see the scars, the wounds that still bleed non-stop.
You’re not ready to let go of the past, or live ever again.
You’re scared that letting them in will only make it hurt;
That they’ll walk in to your heart and tear it apart again.
It mended didn’t it? Since the last time anyone entered.
I see it all inside of you, in the way the light hides you.
You’re me, I’m you, as you sit in front of the mirror.

KC - 16/8/05

Monday, August 08, 2005

Every Day

A soft wind blows my hair from my face,
A soft kiss on my brow and my cheek.
Arms holding me tight upon this sunrise.

Laughter in your spoken words of love,
Laughter from your throat, so deep.
Washing over me, holding me tight today.

Lost wherever you have taken me again,
Lost whenever you take me anywhere.
Disappearing with you and only you now.

Time neverending, everlasting, constant,
Time stopping, never moving, held.
Forever held tight for every afternoon.

Memories held within my mind, replaying,
Memories within my heart and soul,
A loop with no pause for the evenings.

Heart pounding, desire, need for you,
Heart pulsing, living desperation.
The constant beating through the night.

Another soft touch, more laughter, lost.
Another time, memory, heart, gone.
A lifetime; still the first day with you.

KC - 8/8/05

Back For A Song

The music seemed to weave around the trees, the afternoon glow blending with the music until you could see it floating around.

Dancing through the dark green trees,
A slip of green adorning.
The music guiding her as orange glow
Gives way to purple hue.

Flower, in her hair of auburn twilight,
Melodious notes flowing.
Her body disappears amongst the leaves,
Slowly, darkness descends.

She glides through the darkness deep,
Towards the given sound.
A tenor sings out towards the night,
Shivers up her spine.

She bites her lip to stop from calling,
Dwelling in his song.
She knows that when his words disperse,
She'll disappear along.

How she longed to touch his face and
Feel his hand on her.
And yet he would not let her go or
Live his perfect life.

How she wished that he could see her
Know that she was fine.
That he would set her free from him,
Repair his broken heart.

Sad to know she could have saved them
Both from all this pain.
If only she had not departed, left,
But what he said!

The torment followed her to the grave,
And still it stays with her.
A pointless argument unfinished, held,
Till last breath drawn.

His song dwindles, the last note drawn,
As though to keep her here.
But with the wind it disappears, and
With the wind she goes.

KC - 8/8/05

Monday, August 01, 2005

Pain

It’s not normal to feel like this but I really can’t help it.

I’d been counting how long it’d been since you had been out and I’m certain that I was losing my mind. You hadn’t been home yet and I knew that you had your work to do but I was really missing you and it was starting to cut deep.

I know that I ain’t pretty or anything, but I really wished you’d come home that night, I just wanted to be in your arms one last time…

You walked in again, and I turned in bed so I could watch you undress in the dark. You’re gorgeous. Every single muscle in your body seemed to ripple as you pulled your shirt off and I could feel the usual heat pool at my stomach till I was hot from desire.

I bit my lip as you slid into bed, something in my heart giving a twinge as I realised that I was never going to see you like this again after tonight. I closed my eyes and savoured the moment. You don’t go to bed often, usually you prefer to sleep in the day, but you still get into bed and hold me close every night so that I wake up in your arms. It’s funny because sometimes I’d wake up before you do and I’d need to slide out of your embrace but it was nice because I needed to make you so tired that you’d forget everything on that night, then you’d be asleep when I left.

The rest of the night disappeared in moans, groans, screams and heat. I could barely keep my eyes open let alone get out of bed so I napped for a while, you wouldn’t be awake when I woke anyway. With that as a last thought, I let you pull me into your warm embrace and allow the darkness of peaceful sleep to take over.

Morning was so perfect that I was tempted to stay, just for a few more nights, but I knew that if I gave up tonight, I’d never leave. So summoning all my strength, I turned around in your arms to look you at your face.

You were a deep sleeper, so I had no fear of waking you if I touched you, though I knew kissing you would definitely wake you up. So I held my breath and did my best to curb the want that rose up unbidden as soon as I looked at you.

People say that you’re most perfect when you’re sleeping, all your defences are down and you would be like a fallen angel. You were no different. Your hair was splayed out and it was getting long again. I brushed your hair out of your face and studied you for the last time, touching your face gently to memorise every little detail that was distinctly you.

Taking in a breath, I careful squirmed out of your arms with aged practice and began to dress. I had set out my clothes last night, I had to have a nice exit so then I wouldn’t wake you up during my departure. I had packed during the week, little things really so that it wouldn’t look so obvious, giving you time to hold me back like I wanted you to. But you didn’t notice, and you probably didn’t see the fact that all my stuff was gone last night. I don’t think you’ll notice when I’m gone either.

It had started a while back and at first I had thought it was nothing but it gradually got worse and then I knew that you had grown sick of me. I supposed it took me a while to notice, but you were out later a lot more and you had an infernal grin on your face, one that made me want to ask you who it was. You used to wear that smile for me.

I picked up the first serious notion when you came home smelling like perfume and that grin was on your face. You said you needed a shower and went off into the bathroom and I thought little on it because I hoped that you had just been out in a pub all night following someone or something, doing your spy work. After that, I noticed that you came home and showered instantly about five times at irregular intervals, not to mention the smell changed a lot. At one point I found a number written on the back of a piece of paper that was on the kitchen table, when I called up a woman’s voice answered and it sounded so cultured and high class that I knew that whoever was on the other end was probably beautiful as well.

I know that I’m not smart or pretty or even good at anything, but I thought you loved me anyway. We had been together for something close to five years and you still seemed to enjoy my company. Maybe I had done something stupid, my job makes me work really hard most of the time and I remember not being able to come home a few times but you said you understood and maybe you didn’t.

I’m grabbing my bag and I’m almost out the door when you turn in your sleep and I can’t take it. I just want to turn around and go back to you, kiss you, never let you go and stay in your arms for eternity, but I knew that even if I wanted it, you didn’t. So I took a deep breath, put my bag down next to the front door, walked back into the bedroom like I usually did and kissed you softly. Your eyes fluttered open and you took in my appearance. I was dressed for work like usual and you didn’t think much of it.

You seemed to be fighting with something and I know it sounds stupid but I didn’t really want to ruin my morning with you dumping me or something equally stupid. So I put my finger against your lips and kissed you softly again.

“Go back to sleep,” I whispered. You seem to consider it before agreeing and snuggling back into the covers. I can’t resist the temptation to kiss your brow, you look adorable when you do that and you fidget a little before falling asleep again.

I’m walking down the corridor and I’m still holding the keys to your apartment. I don’t know if I want to get rid of them yet, somehow I like being able to walk back into your place, as though I could walk into your heart again. Breathing deep I put them in my bag and continue to walk. I need to leave this place behind; go down to the car park, get into my car and go to the place I have rented for the next few weeks for trial. At first everything is incident free; I’m sitting in my car and I’m about to leave the car park, but somehow I have the urge to turn around, run back upstairs and never leave or even think about leaving. But I breathe deeply and leave, turning into the street and driving towards work like I usually did.

The greatest thing about working in a building opposite the place you’re sleeping in is the fact that you don’t need to use the car as often anymore. It also meant that it was harder for someone to track you down no matter how influential they were. My job cut most people off, it didn’t matter who you were; you had to be an extremely influential person for you to be able to get anything out of the security people out front. After that you’d have to go through an entire building’s worth of people just to get one person’s details.

I knew that you were highly important because in your job, you could get information on everything and everyone. For the first week I was expecting you to pop up somewhere, possibly on your knees with a bunch of flowers or something. I even hoped I’d find you in my office and you would show me just how much you loved me. But nothing happened and I gave up hope, somehow thinking that you had moved on and knowing that you had moved on were completely different things.

It was something close to a month without you that I was sent home by my boss because I looked like hell. I hadn’t been sleeping well, eating well, or doing anything particularly well; except maybe my work. Though since I couldn’t drown myself into my work anymore I was forced to sit in my apartment; staring out at a window that had seen better days. I gingerly set about cleaning the place up before going out and buying a six pack of alcohol, something that usually made me seem more alive than I really was. I drank till I was drunk and passed out on my bed with vaguely dreamless sleep and woke up so hungry that I went and actually ate for the first time in weeks. It wasn’t just a snack anymore, it was a meal, and it was then that I realised that I’d do myself no good like this and set about rebuilding my life.

It was a week after I had my epiphany that you suddenly came into my life again. I was crossing the road and about to open the door to my work building when a hand grabbed my arm and pulled me towards them. I was too stunned to do anything and the smell was intoxicatingly familiar and I could do nothing but drown in a scent that I still dreamed about. I realised that I had probably been standing there with my eyes closed and breathing deep for the past few minutes before I looked up into your eyes. They were tired, angry but mostly sad and I wanted to hold you close and make you smile again, anything to get your eyes twinkling like I remembered them.

I noticed that you were only using one arm to hold me and looked at your left hand. A shirt, more correctly, my shirt was clutched in your hand like it was the only thing in the world that was important, as though it was your security blanket. You looked so lost and close to death that I had to take you back to my place, just to work out what was wrong.
P
Maybe it was just my mind, but I guiltily wished that you were like this because you had missed me and wanted to apologise or explain but I knew that it was probably your new girlfriend leaving you because I had left one of my shirts behind and you needed me to explain. My heart gave a jealous twinge and I couldn’t help but want to slap her so badly. Slap her for making him look so lost and slap her because I wanted you back so badly.

Calming my heart, I set myself into memory mode so that I would be able to dream about something other than our last night together. Everything was almost exactly as I had remembered. When I let you into my apartment, your eyes did a cursory sweep and I was certain you noticed the face that it was pretty much empty. You probably also noticed the fact that my bed was also in here and the fact that there were no televisions or computers in here. I shut the door and move into the kitchen nervously. I can feel your eyes on me all the way.

When in there, I grab a drink for us before coming back out. You weren’t in the room and I went around to the other three rooms to see if you were in any of them. They were pretty much empty except for the bathroom and a small room that I liked to hide in every now and then. A room I didn’t want you to find.

All the other rooms were empty, of furniture and of you and I was half praying that you were in the bathroom instead of that room. But when it was empty as well, I was beginning to dread looking into the last room and my hand was shaking as I opened the door.

It was a small room, more like a cupboard really, but it could fit three people in there. As I peered into the space after it, I could see that the light was on and you were standing there, looking around attentively and I tried so hard not to run away.

The room had pictures of us all over the walls, even on the back of the door and you had shut the door to probably see the ones there as well. You turned around as the door opened and I was trembling when you looked at me. There was an intensity in them that was sending shivers down my spine and I felt desire flow through my veins all over again.

I closed my eyes and was starting to back out when you grabbed my arm and pulled me in, shutting the door. I gasped in surprise and then your mouth was on mine, a searing kiss that was taking all my breath away. Your tongue was driving me crazy and your hand was heading to indecent places that were starting to burn from the contact. It was heaven and I didn’t know how I had managed to last so long without you.

I didn’t know how or when, but suddenly my back was on the wall and you were pressed up close, pushing me harder against the wall. You were tearing at my clothes and I was tearing at yours and despite the fact that I wanted this to last forever; there was an urgency that made me want to have you inside me right now.

It was fast, hard and it felt absolutely wonderful. For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven, but when I came down and looked into your eyes, I wanted to save that moment more than anything. The look in your eyes spoke volumes, just as mine probably did and I wanted you to stay with me.

Then I pulled away as though stung, I had forgotten about your girlfriend and I was horrified that I had done something so stupid as to let my guard down around you. I started to back away and hit the wall, cursing myself to have been on the wrong wall as I looked at the door over your shoulder; I spluttered out apologies and began thinking of the best way out of this situation. You took a step forward and effectively cut off all my escape routes. Lifting your hand, you put a finger on my lips gently, and I was silent as I stared into your eyes, getting lost in their depths again.

“Why are you apologising?” you ask, your voice so soft and yet it reverberated in my body.

“I forgot that you already have a girlfriend,” I whispered, scared of what your reaction would be.

I shouldn’t have worried because you stared at me blankly for a moment and then started to laugh. I didn’t know what to do and it was beginning to hurt, I know that you had probably broken up with her for some reason but you didn’t have to laugh at me over it. Finally you seemed to notice that I wasn’t laughing and you looked deep into my eyes.

“I have only one girlfriend,” you said. I stared at you confused.

“Who is she?” I asked, afraid of the answer, not quite sure if I wanted it or not.

“You”

I looked at you dumbfounded but your eyes were twinkling.

“She was right,” you whisper, “you really are stupid.”

That cut like a knife and I could feel my heart shattering inside and I pushed you away, tears in my eyes as I made my way for the door. You pulled me back before I could even reach the knob.

“Stop being stupid and listen to me,” you said. I looked down at my feet and watched the tears fall.

“I love you with all my heart, and considering what we just did I hope you feel the same way,” you said, tilting my head up to meet your gaze.

“Am I right?” you whispered; concern in your eyes as you looked into mine as though you could read the answer there.

“Yes,” I whispered back, tears beginning to flow for a completely different reason.

“Did you know I was setting up for something big when you started to pack? I was so wrapped up in preparing for it, I forgot that you didn’t know and she said that you thought I’d stopped loving you. She also mentioned that you called her and probably got the wrong idea,” you said, your hand wiping away my tears.

“What were you doing then?” I asked, curious despite myself.

“Was preparing for this,” you said, before dropping to one knee and looking up at me. I could feel my throat tighten and my heart was pounding in my ears.

“Will you marry me?” you asked, holding out a ring that seemed to glow in the dim light. My emotions were running rampant and I dropped to my knees and kissed you deeply.

“Can I take that as a yes?” you asked. I laughed and nodded as you pushed the ring onto my finger.

But I’ll say it now, for this is the biggest fight we’ve ever had and the biggest one we’ll ever have, but I love you; completely and utterly, inside and out…

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Till Dawn Comes

It's past midnight,
The hour's so late,
And it's been so long.

I remember our love,
So strong and true,
You held me in your arms.

It's getting cold,
The temperature drops,
I miss being with you.

It's getting later,
It's closer to two.
I'm sitting here alone.

With tissue boxes,
Wine in my hands,
And stupid love songs on.

Do you think of me
Of times past by
When we were lost in love?

You kissed me deep
Taking my breath
Whispering in my ears.

So I'll wait here,
Till morning comes,
Waiting for you till dawn.

KC - 25/7/05
Ten Past Midnight (零時十分) - Sally Yip (葉蒨文)

Me?

Pain,
Constant
Eternal.

Inside
Deep,
Locked.

Wounds
Within
Hurting.

Festering
Pulled out
Scissors

No blood
Just pain
Simple

Gashes
Heated arm
Fiery

Calm
Internal wars
Ended

External
Scarring
Shows

Angry red lines
White skin
Burning pain

No tears...
No screams...
No happiness
No sadness
Not allowed here...

KC - 28/7/05

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Memoir of an Idiot

There's this moment in every kid's life where they find themselves and stop being a kid. It's usually when they realise something, an epiphany of sorts, and it comes when it comes. For some people it takes almost their entire lives before they realise it, for others they grow up as adults. It varies too greatly to be have any set limit, but it is almost certainly the turning point that sets most people up for life.

There's a child in everyone, young and old, and it doesn't matter if you've found yourself yet, it will still be there. The child is something that allows you to find the more amusing side of a situation instead of the perpetual boredom that life really is. For some people, the boredom is what makes sense to them, what they live off and how they live. Those people are usually logical, ruled by reasoning and rarely ever give way to their more emotional side where the child would reign.

Others treat life as nothing but a joke, clowns and other of the like fit into this category and deem the world as less than what they think on. These are the extremes and usually people manage to find a balance in between that they are suited to perfectly. However, it is usually found with the help of other people and this is where this story comes in; if you can call it a story.

I live as something like a stepping stone. A trial on your way to understanding yourself and 'growing up' so to speak. I have been left behind more than once and will probably continue to be left behind. It is depressing to know that I didn't notice when it was happening but sometimes young minds dislike dealing with that which has been settled.

I have not grown up yet, nor do I intend to anytime soon. Growing up is something I would like to live through life without understanding or knowing, but essentially something I'm avoiding because I can't face the fact that it will have to happen eventually.

I'm not exceptionally bright, well technically I'm more of a walking idiot that knows random facts that most other people don't know, but that's beside the point. The point is that I am possibly one of the few people in life that would rather analyse life than live it. Though I must admit the thought of living life isn't as appealing as other people make it to be. Especially since I dislike life as it is.

There are a few things that are hard to wrap my head around though, and one of them would be this idea of friends. It's a situation where you can lean on each other and somehow manage to get out of the mess virtually unscathed. Though it does no appear to be completely as lasting as you'd assume at first thought.

Theories surround it, some saying that friends are forever and yet completely contradicting that when they hate each other’s guts the next day, though that is an extremist's view. There are also those that don't ever find real friends because most of what they thought they could trust cannot deal with the differences that that person may have within them.

For me, I am a psychopathic child that insults everyone and generally trusts no one. I must admit that all through my life most of the friends that I have ever had are not exactly what you'd consider a real friend. The first friend, for example, was a girl that was only my friend through my nanny and her grandma. Since we would never have any other friends, we just stuck by each other for no other reason because we could.

After that, I guess I could throw myself into chinese school where I had friends that were older than me. And when I say older than me, I mean a lot older than me. They were more like the graduating class and I was the little children's group, something akin to kindergarten or something. At that point I was happy. I considered myself with friends, that was until they tore my heart apart, not to mention my mind, when they told me I was too young to be part of their group and thus told me to go away.

That hurt, but I could deal, the emotions are all that's left really, and even if it hurt me, I could deal, one wound is nothing. That was until I met Anna, or at least I think that's her name. She had a twin called Maddy, and as nice as Maddy was, Anna was possibly just as twisted.

Naive as I was, she told me things and I helped her pull off some mean twisted pranks and the like. We took one of the other students, a girl that no one really liked, and led her into the boys toilets from the banister. She went in, we got into trouble and that was the first time I had ever been told off by a teacher. I can still remember it, not to mention the suffering that it caused me since I can remember crying afterwards when we were supposed to be singing.

I can't remember what happened after that, but I think she left the school, either that or she just disappeared off my mind for the rest of the time. I didn't know what else to do so I joined back with my original friend and generally hung out with her. It was here where I found some of the more loyal of my friends in primary, the gang I hung out with for the rest of primary school.

It was in chinese school where the next addition to my life was made in the form of a little girl. She was innocent, perfect and altogether something for me to taint. I had started to get cold and cynical and I think I teased and made jokes that weren't completely nice of me, but she was accepting and made no comments about it.

Though she was young, she was much better at chinese than I'd ever be and I guess I envied her a lot, even though I tried to make sure it never showed, especially since I trusted her a lot more than any other person. But that ended the same time as chinese school ended and I can't even remember her name, just remember a glimpse of her face in my memory.

Around year 4 or so, there was a girl, I don't think repeating her name is a good idea but she was a popular girl. Very popular indeed, leader of her band and I was something along the lines of her friend. That is until I decided that I shouldn't have two groups and that I couldn't handle having two different groups that were so against each other.

It probably stemmed from the fact that her friends and my friends didn't socialise on a normal note and they insulted my friends more than necessary. So I sent her a note, told her more than once that I didn't want to be her friend and, well she didn't care.

Then she gave the note to her friends and cried over it, making it seem like my fault that she was so heart broken and I cried too, because I felt so neglected and if she had said sorry, I probably would have forgiven her and just forgotten about it all, but it was not meant to be.

After that, socialising with the yr 5's was nice, Yr 5/6 relations kind of thing, cept we were older and leading them along with us because it was so much more fun. We played kids games and generally acted like kids, happy moments in my life.

After primary, we separated a lot. My yr 5 friends lost touch, completely breaking off, and the yr 6 ones all disappeared into different high schools. One went to Canberra, one's in a private school somewhere and the other few are in Cheltenham girls high. I rarely see any of them anymore, our times don't coincide often enough.

So it's up to high school. I had no friends in yr 7 and liked it that way until school counsellors came and asked me questions on how I was settling in. So I hung out with a group and acted super cheerful when the counsellor walked past and the matter was forgotten.

After all of this the friends came and went, nothing really holding my attention long enough. School was easy and boring, I found it generally insipid and so I spent most my time reading. In year 8 people started to drag me away from my books, though that could be partly the reason why I found Reboc and Du Du. Meeting in a library and talking about books is not exactly an ideal way of meeting, but it worked for us.

We're still friends, Wendy came in last year and left last year, but essentially the bond is still there, though not as strong as it used to be. And now I'm stuck with everyone else. It's funny if you think on it, because I don't trust anyone after that.

It wasn't totally their fault, though my dad said something that I'll never forget, "they're not really friends if they don't even tell you that they're changing schools", and I couldn't help but agree with him, because it hurt so much to have all three of my closest friends leave in one year.

After that everything else was pretty much plain and smooth running, moodiness settled in a little more often than it used to and it could be blamed on so many things, but the cynicism that I had learnt is still with me right now.

It's stupid because I'd give my life to save people that I don't know if I can trust and I don't know if they'd ever do the same for me, but I'd still give my life for it. Stupid hey.

Oh wells, this is pretty much it for now, my life of cynical views and moody temperament. Two personalities in one person and hell of a nasty mind I have left over. I guess I'm cold and cruel now, a little on the sadistic side and perhaps a little insane, but I like the way I was. The way it was in year 7 and I want to go back to that, just for a while.

If you managed to get down to here I think you're nuts. Either that or extremely bored and hoping your name will crop up somewhere. Forgive me but I highly doubt that will ever happen unless I feel stupid.

I Promise

Want me to show you a place?
A place where I can be?
A place where you can be?
Follow me and I will show you,
I promise.

Be careful when you're walking,
The path cannot be seen,
The path is covered thick,
But I will guide you through safely,
I promise.

Look up at the stars above you,
They're bright tonight,
They're shining beacons,
Snuff out your lamp, enough light,
I promise.

Can you see the house ahead?
Away from cool night air?
Away from beasts of fear?
It's warmer and safer in there,
I promise.

Open the door and watch your step,
Feel free to be at home,
Feel free to be comfortable,
You'll like your stay in this place,
I promise.

Enjoying the peaceful night,
The song of midnight life,
The song of coming dawn,
Hear the music thrumming in your ears,
I promise.

Did you wand to play a game?
Smell the sea breeze?
Smell the forest trees?
You can do whatever you want,
I promise.

Take a walk through the forests,
See the little animals,
See the mighty trees tall,
You'll feel the power of old magic,
I promise.

Swim in the cool summer beaches,
Feel waves crashing down,
Feel water rushing by,
You'll never tire of this happiness,
I promise.

Do you want to leave here now?
Depart from here forever?
Depart and not return?
I knew you'd say it eventually,
I promise.

Be careful on your way outside,
Remember all the fears,
Remember all the fun,
You'll forget all this when you're gone,
I promise.

KC - 27/7/05

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

My Mansion

Welcome to my mansion, my mind, my home...

A well swept hall, large, accommodating,
A fire burning in the fireplace,
Warm waves of welcome, enveloping.
I'll show you to your rooms,
Rooms that will rest your weary minds,
Free your hearts and seal your soul.
I'll help you find yourself again.

You like the rooms, the place is yours,
Be wary of the rooms upstairs,
Restricted sections of my mind,
Do not enter as a warning,
But enjoy your stay, however long it is,
You're welcome to come and go all day,
Though I can't follow you outside.

Had a nice stay, found out everything,
Feel good about yourself again,
Enjoying the life you live nowadays,
Loving the person you are.
Glad to have been of any service to you,
You think you might come back again,
I doubt it but I'll keep your gear.

Into a little room to the west wing there,
Separate from the other gear,
Other people's belongings left here.
Their memories, pains,
Wounds that were open now closed, healing,
I'll hold onto them while you forget,
Forget what you never wanted to know.

KC - 26/7/05

For You, My Friend

Stars shine down with a glimmer, like the hope that you seem to hold inside and yet it's disappearing so fast.

Starlight in the night sky,
Hope glimmering inside.
Dull but still a gleam,
Such a small light left.
Dimming as time wears on...

You're still holding me here,
By a thread of silver,
It's going to snap it's
Too tense to hold on long,
Yet you're still keep trying...

An abyss so absolute beneath,
A chasm waiting to eat,
Destroy me completely,
Take away my essence, soul,
And still I don't want to go...

I told you to stop remembering,
I told you to forget,
Pretend I never was,
Pretend we'd never met,
Why don't you listen to me...

I know you don't want to know,
Probably wish we had
Never even talked or
Even never become friends,
Why won't you just let go...?

KC - 26/7/05

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Dream Lover

You spin me around with your scent,
A tantalising smell that twirls me around.
Your hands make my skin tingle,
Every touch melts me a little more inside.

I can't take the way you do this,
Giving me wings and guiding me to heaven.
My breath disappearing slowly,
Stolen away by your deep kisses bestowed.

You whisper words of love and care,
Your lips a fiery trail from ear to neck.
Then comes the arms that hold me,
Wrapping around to keep me safe and warm.

You love me, every night and day,
You remind me, always give me reasons why.
I love you, but I can't see why,
You're everything to me and yet you're not.

I can't help loving you like this,
You're in my dreams and nightmares too.
I wish I could just let you go but
It hurts too much, I need you in my head.

KC - 24/7/05

In The City

A girl of sixteen summers,
Pickpocket, cut-throat.
A thief that rules the city,
Despising all she is.

Daughter of sixteen autumns,
Loving child, servant.
A maid that follows orders,
Submissive to a fault.

An Amazon of sixteen winters,
Fighting for survival.
A battle with the cold streets
Chilled to her bones.

A lady of sixteen springs,
Seductress, enchantress.
Weaving magic of lust and love,
Determined to stay alive...

KC - 21/7/05

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fear

I walk through empty corridors,
Chilled fingers dance around.
An icy trail along my body,
Freezing through my clothes,
Goosebumps breaking out.

A tune from childhood songs,
Sung breathlessly out loud.
Lost within this castle's past
My eyes swing left and right,
To find a fright unknown.

Empty rooms of dust and grime,
Doors that hang from hinges.
A curtain hiding broken glass
Cold winds that blow it open;
Flapping in the breeze.

Light shines from empty moon,
A pale glow shows my way.
Fear tickles my neck in touches
Soft and whispers in my ears.
Innocent tunes continue.

A noise, a crash, a monster?
I pray and hope and wish.
One last corridor to walk,
Till this nightmare ends.
Darkest walkway yet.

Gulping, eyes closed, inching.
A few more metres left here.
Trembling arms and legs.
My heart pounds in my ears.
Drowning the song away.

A candle in the entrance hall;
A warm yellow glow, alone.
Eyes darting round the room.
A white glow from the side.
Screams of silent pain.

I close my eyes and shake,
Unmoving as it comes.
A sound of chains and music.
A noise of whispered words.
Rattling ever closer.

Then suddenly it stops again,
Bare inches from my face.
I cannot stand much longer.
Sweat breaks upon my brow
I peek, fists clenched.

A face, too close, I jump back,
It studies me with passion.
Self conscious and afraid.
I walk towards the candlelight,
My face towards the ghast.

It lets me take the light up,
It lets me inch door-wards.
I almost turn the knob behind,
When it makes a haunting sound.
That echoes in my mind.

It seems to fly right through me,
Through walls, through chairs,
Through broken windows, all.
I stand in shock and peril.
Its gaze is on me now.

Come morning to these parts.
A day that seems too bright.
A castles stands on hill
Alone in all its splendor.
The new replacing old.

KC - 22/7/05

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

The Tree

Blowing in the summer breeze,
Green leaves thick and coating.
The sun's rays feeding me again.

My leaves of orange, auburn,
Falling down, concealing earth.
Autumn chills run down my spine.

Winter freezes to my core,
Cold winds that wrap around me.
My branches bared to the world.

And heat returns in plenty.
As spring brings back the buds.
Flowers blossom red, a covering.

Blowing in the summer breeze,
Green leaves thick and coating.
The sun's rays feeding me again...

KC - 19/7/05

I Can't Help But Love You

I'm not supposed to love you
And yet every time I see you, I melt.
Your presence is enough to make my heart race.
Your voice sends shivers down my spine.

I don't know what love is,
And still this feeling won't go away.
It fills my mind with nothing but thoughts of you;
It makes me forget everything else.

I don't want to love you
And yet all these emotions are here,
It swirls around inside me and feels so natural;
As though I was born to love you only.

I wish I didn't love you
And yet I want to be with you forever.
I want to be by your side for eternity and longer.
I want to be everything for you.

I can't help but love you
And still if I had a choice in this
I'd never love you if I'd never met you at the start.
But I can't help but love you.

KC - 19/7/05

Monday, July 18, 2005

The Finer Points of War

Marching against each other on ground of pure white snow,
They're weapons are sharp and minds are clear.
Today is the last day of war.

The victor of this match shall be the ones that live,
Telling stories of their win forever after.
In legends. myths and sagas.

I stand amongst the men today with heart pounding away.
The butterflies in my stomach playing games.
Trepidation in the frosty air.

Our leader calls and we reply, renewed in our resolve.
We shall stain the ground with their blood,
Until the water flows red.

Knives and clubs, slashing and smashing, blood runs free.
Soaked in blood not all my own, I stand alone.
The fight is finally over.

We've won, beaten back those that had dared to stand up.
Yet no joy does my pounding heart exude.
I only see the dead friends.

My memories haunt me as the rain and snow begins to fall.
The blood washes away and leaves the pain.
Dreams of men I've killed.

What power do we hold to believe that killing men was fine?
Fine men leaving behind their loved ones
Are still men in the end…

KC - 18/7/05

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Her

Sunlight touches her hair, caressing.
Cool breeze blows the leaves,
Twirling them around her feet.
Her toes sink into the soft grass hill.

A flower gliding on the breeze, falls.
Drifting slowly into her arms,
Outstretched before her body.
Her look of wonder a beauty to behold.

She sings as sunset comes, melodious.
Her voice that captivates souls,
Entrancing the listeners around.
Animals from the forest emerge as one.

Such wonder in one angelic woman, lady.
The Gods themselves fall down
On their knees, at her feet.
Unbelieving of their perfect creation.

This lady holds a part of me, forever.
She does not know but in her
Hands she carries my heart.
Though I cannot give her all she needs.

KC - 17/7/05

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Sibling Company

An eve of darkness and shadows,
No moonlight penetrates the clouds.
Thick and black, they hang above,
Weeping in torrents upon us.

A fork of lightning, striking.
A clap of thunder, deafening all.
Screams from a child behind me.
From under the covers of bed.

Soft laughter escapes my lips,
The electricity cuts off, darkness.
More screaming from the blanket.
I roll my eyes as thunder booms.

Reaching under the covers,
My cold hands grab a warm leg.
A squeal and kicks in attempt
To get me far far away again.

Lightning, thunder, forgotten,
Tickle wars have begun, laughter.
Dancing fingers on the foot,
On a tummy and a neck, squeals.

Torch light, parents scold.
Stiffled laughs and shared looks.
Sleep tonight, too scared alone,
Share the bed, hugging, sleep...

KC - 16/7/05

Q & A

Do you want them to care?
Maybe, just a little, enough to stop it hurting.
Take away a little bit of pain.

Do you miss them?
Why? They never did much good for me at all.
Usually made me do things.

Things being...
Getting them out of trouble and stuff,
Talking with the teacher.

You weren't scared?
Course I was, still am, just didn't show it.
Too much riding on me doing it.

What if you let your fear in?
Then I'd do nothing all day and stay in the light.
Not to mention avoid men.

What do you want then?
That's a good question, ask it when I have an answer.
Or better yet, just forget it.

Why forget things?
Human mind will take out the inconsequential.
I'm not worth remembering.

What makes you say that?
Must I run through the list? Twould take too long,
Just as the next question.

Why are you doing this?
Separating my mind or just this pointless questioning?
Your questions are too vague.

Pointless questioning first.
Mainly? Get it out of a system that will rebuild it.
Technically it won't last long.

Then why the mind separation?
Good question, considering my rationality and me are,
Shall we say arguing? Or banter?

This is just your questions...
My questions? Oh right, I'm still in one body here.
Perhaps a separation of that....

You're going off track.
No, just removing myself from unpleasantness.
This is circling back.

You're trying to ignore it.
What's wrong with that, give what you've taken.
That should be obvious.

So you're shedding ignorance.
Perhaps. Though probably not. Ignorance hurts,
A lot actually... still got scars.

What do you do?
Scratch mostly, funny how most people don't notice.
Pain is good though.

What's so great about it?
You draw up the blood, it heats up your skin,
Therefore, your arm burns.

Why burning?
Cause I don't fancy freezing as an ultimate pain.
It's just cold.

What's so bad about cold?
It does nothing really. Kinda like a reminder of how
People are cold to me.

You think the worlds out to get you?
I wish, I'm just a background piece, accepted and all.
Wonder if I can get paid for it...

Stop that.
Stop what? Trailing off? Too hard to do that.
More amusing to do this.

You're confusing people.
Not my fault. It made perfect sense in my head.
But then again everything does.

So here comes the silence.
It's always silence. Silence is what people want from me.
Silence is what I'll give them...

KC - 16/7/05

Me

Insult me, spit in my face, sure.
No one wants me near them anyway.
Be down right nasty? Fine, suit yourself.

Ignore me? Pretend I never spoke?
Hurts, cuts real deep, in the heart.
Be like the others...Ignorance is bliss.

Whatever? Shrugging? Be that way.
It's your life, my soul being torn.
No big deal, happens often enough anyway.

Funny how I can deal with arrows,
Sad I can't handle ignorance.
Weird - maybe it's childhood memories again.

Years of being bullied actually help,
Means the knives get blunter,
Every single time it's easier for my heart.

Depressing that I don't know enough
Not a big socialiser when you're bullied.
Call me nigelated, or consider me a ghost.

Amusing, recollections of enemies.
Never knew they'd make me stronger.
That acquaintances would do more damage.

Ever been bullied? It's no big deal.
Ever been rejected? Hurts somewhat.
Ever been completely ignored? It kills.

Want my life? Feels nice sometimes.
Parents ignore you when you're good.
Then you're the worst in the world when bad.

Gotta look at the up side of things.
You got the friends, still hurts though.
Can you ever really trust people with a heart.

My heart, broken too many times.
Patchy but still beating, faintly.
Consider it again? They don't care one bit.

They dun wanna feel guilty if you,
Jump, or well, die essentially.
Stick around till they forget, they will.

Laugh when they want you to, happy.
Sometimes it dun feel like that much,
Don't even seem like a lie after a while.

Tell them secrets? Fine, what the heck.
Look, now they know how you really feel.
Dun laugh till they can't hear you anymore.

Wait a few more years, no need then,
They wun need to see you breathing.
No need to take from you, company or otherwise.

Used? A little, enough to make it hurt.
Betrayed? Never, my own little choice.
A liar? To the core and back, a game to play.

Friends? Not really, more like people.
People that finally noticed you there.
People that won't even remember later on.

Secrets? All true, shouldn't be though.
Hope? Every damned day. For...affection?
Reality? You're still a no one, a loner inside.

KC - 16/7/05

Friday, July 15, 2005

Come Back

What makes you worth it?
What makes you so special?
Is it the way you move?
The way you always know?
Or maybe it's from how
You light up my life,
Just walking into the room.

They laugh at me you know.
Behind my back and sometimes,
Sometimes in my face as well.
You have no idea how much
It kills to have you do this;
To take away the only thing
That I thought ever mattered.

I don't know why I wait.
I should have moved on ages
Before the melancholy came.
And still I live alone and,
Stupidly, watch the door.
I cry whenever the phone
Rings and you're not there.

I still hope that you live.
That you haven't forgotten me.
A pointless thing for others,
But it still means everything.
I know that you would laugh,
And probably be like them;
Even leave me behind again.

You won't be able to hear.
God knows where you are now.
But I want you to know,
Inside that heart of yours;
That I will wait for you,
Even if it takes a lifetime,
I'll stand here till you come.

KC - 15/7/05

The History Of Our World

A story of a love so deep
That words cannot describe
The way they held each other
With nothing but their eyes.

They never should have met,
They weren't supposed to see.
The way they felt were lies,
It wasn't meant to be.

And yet they could not stop
The line that tied them tight.
A line of hate and love,
A line of wrong and right.

A hate so absolute inside,
A love so pure and true.
It could do so much harm to all,
And yet could heal them too.

To follow love was murder,
To follow hate was death.
These two were tied forever
Till neither drew a breath.

There was no balance held,
No balance could exist.
The only way to solve it
Was to vanish in the mist.

And so these two lost souls,
Were tossed over the cliff.
A story to be learned from,
They would become a myth.

But still they held to life,
By love and by pure hate.
To meet again in limbo,
To fight against the Fates.

Though their existence hurt,
It was the only place.
That these two souls could stay
And live without a trace.

Till day came that desire
To feel alive returned.
They went back to humanity
As evil to be spurned.

They were no longer living,
And yet they were not dead.
So vampires they became,
And on blood they were fed.

Centuries passed in horror,
Immortal as they were.
Him a man of hateful strength;
Of loving power, her.

He hated that he loved her,
She loved to hate him so.
It was a war beginning,
A war where blood would flow.

They bred entire armies,
Vampires of divine.
Either pure of hate inside,
Or pure of loving mind.

The battles raged for years,
Until a child was born.
A child of perfect balance,
That healed the world at dawn.

It took the love from her,
And took from him, the hate.
Mixing it together,
To form another make.

Another of itself, to
Build the world from scratch.
Of absolute perfection,
A twin to be exact.

They slaughtered all the vampires
Too weak to really count.
Leaving behind the strong ones,
Twenty in amount.

They were the guardians here,
Of purity complete.
They would watch over everyone
Upon their holy seats.

Ten lovers and ten haters,
Ten women and ten men.
They were to care for mortals,
Forever more from then.

Yet still peace was not held,
For two lost souls had stayed.
They wandered everywhere,
A God and Saetan made.

Gathering worshippers
Was all that they could do.
Their vampire natures gone,
True immortals two.

And still they live today,
Pure evil and pure good.
Biding till a time that they,
Can die as they once could.

KC - 15/7/05