Without You
Title: Without You
Rating: R (except it seems more PG-13…if it wasn’t for the blood)
Summary: Hmm…well…it’s kind of short, so you could probably work it out if you read it, but essentially it’s just a fight between lovers. The thoughts and songs are in italics.
Feedback: if you think this deems feedback, good for you, I personally think that I’ve written better…
Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it…not that you can really tell in this. There are also blood issues in it…kind of a deep end sort of look at heartache
Disclaimer: Songs aren’t mine, I’m not that good. First one’s Omarion – Ice Box, second one’s DHT ft Edmee – I Go Crazy, and the third one’s Brooke Fraser – Without You.
“Girl I really wanna work this out cause I’m tired of fightin’
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you”
I picked up the broken glass on the ground and watched detachedly as I bled from a small cut. The blood welled up and smeared against the glass and I resisted the urge to cry as I stared at the crumpled picture lying next to the mess.
“Are you really that stupid?! People change it happens all the time, every day, to everyone, and guess what? It happened to me!”
She had changed. She had changed so much and so slowly that I really hadn’t noticed, though that might be more because I hadn’t been paying all that much attention to her.
“You want this back?” she screamed, “Then here, take it!”
She had picked up the photo frame, smashed the glass against the table and pulled out the picture, scrunching it up before throwing it at me.
“It’s ironic,” I whispered to myself, “She acts more like she used to when she’s mad.”
I laughed to myself but the laughter soon dwindled into sobs and I had to fight to gain back some semblance of control.
“Keep your stupid memories. I’ll go make my own.”
And so she had left. Glancing at the clock I realised that it was about ten minutes ago.
“It’s not so long since I’d lost everything,” I muttered. I was still sitting where I’d been where I heard the door slam. Still the same place I had crumpled down after she had yelled and thrown the picture at me and I’d failed to catch it.
I caught my reflection in the window and stared at it.
“You’re stupid,” I informed it. We agreed and I looked at the glass still in my hand. The drop of blood had sort of dribbled a little and was now pooling into my palm. The glass was floating slightly in the middle. I frowned and poked it a little.
A need to feel something other than emptiness overwhelmed me. Clenching my fist I felt the satisfying dig of the jagged edges straight into my skin. I wasn’t sure if it had punctured through, but by the extra blood dripping out from my fist I’d wager that it had.
Holding the fist over the scrunched picture I watch as it began dribbled onto the photo before slowing to a steady drip. I stared at it and then started to count the drops, as though that would give me an answer, as if it would tell me what to do now that I’d stuffed it all up.
“You didn’t trust her,” I muttered. The drip made no response, no change in pace, and no change in destination. It all just landed straight onto the picture and starting to pool around it as well.
“Is it that hard to tell her that you think that maybe you just want her to spend more time with you?” I asked the drips.
The silence that reigned didn’t do anything except make me wonder if that was really where I’d gone wrong, where I’d stuffed up.
“You could have told her you felt like she was leaving you behind, or you could have left and then wondered whether or not she’d even notice,” I said.
Still, there was no change, the blood still dripped and pooled, the photo didn’t move, the world didn’t stop spinning.
“It’s over,” I stated. The words seemed to reverberate in my mind before it seemed to settle into some form of acceptance.
“It’s over,” I repeated, whispering to myself this time.
Opening my hand, I saw that the glass had actually cut through pretty badly. I frowned but made no move to clean it up. The blood was still coming out, pooling into my hand now, but it was starting to clot too, and it was starting to slow down.
Using my left hand, I gently picked off the piece of glass, dropping it to the ground, and then stood up. I manoeuvred around the broken glass and wandered into the bathroom. I didn’t even bother to turn on the light as I washed my wound and wrapped it in the hand towel.
Coming back out I looked at the mess on the kitchen floor and then at our bedroom in front of me.
No, not ‘our’, not anymore, it’s just mine now, until I can find somewhere else. Or maybe it should be her bedroom, and I should just move out. This place was technically chosen by her in the first place.
Walking into what I had now dubbed as her bedroom, I stared at the bedside table and the smiling picture of us as a couple on it. Taking a deep breath I walked up to it and put it face down, I didn’t really need to have to think about her right now, at least not as a couple. I knew that trying to completely stop thinking about her would be in vain.
Walking towards the window I stared out at the night sky and whispered to it, telling it to look after her for me since I couldn’t do it anymore. Then I turned, stared at the bed for a while before deciding that the ground would be more comfortable tonight, and then lay down to sleep.
“Goodnight,” I whispered to her, even if she wouldn’t hear me.
Somewhere through the night I must have fallen asleep because I woke up again. The room hadn’t changed, I was still on the floor, and the house was still silent. Shaking my head to clear it slightly I looked at the sunlight that fell on the place that my head had once been.
Frowning, I wondered if it would be pointless to ask someone to be nice and turn off the sun. The lack of serious feelings made me realise that I was still numb. I wasn’t even annoyed at the evil sun this morning, and that rarely, if ever, happened.
The phone rang and I stared at it, the knowledge of what to do with the ringing device completely leaving me.
“Ren! I know you’re there, Ren! Pick the damned phone up, your girl’s sitting here bawling her eyes out!”
I stared at the machine and wondered what it was talking about; I don’t have a girl anymore.
Another few rings and then another message, “Serena, sweetie, please pick up the phone?”
I wandered out of the room then, just walked out of the house, past the kitchen, the front door and the gates. Standing on the empty street was disorientating to say the least. I really didn’t usually get up before ten on a weekend and it was still somewhere close to seven.
“Good morning,” I whispered. Birds chirped and I smiled slightly. I got a reply.
Wandering towards the natural reserve nearby, I began to realise that barefoot and hard asphalt was a bad idea. That and the whole hand towel wrapped around my hand earned weird stares, especially if the hand towel was stained slightly red.
Though the walk was painful for my feet, it served to calm me down and when I reached our spot I was already at some level of peace.
The trees formed a circle around a couple of rocks and only a little bit of light managed to pass into the place. There was also a small stream running through towards the bigger stream at the base of the valley.
Sticking my feet into the water I shivered when the icy fingers slid from my feet, up my back and straight to my head. Cold was bad, but cold meant numb, which meant they wouldn’t hurt anymore.
Frowning at the thought I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could make this numb thing work properly where it was needed. Reaching my hand out to touch the water I disregarded that thought when my hand reflexively flinched. I might feel like dying but freezing to death just wasn’t on my list of things to do.
With my feet suitably cleaner I pulled them out and heated them in a small patch of sunlight on one of the rocks. The air grew warmer and I slowly succumbed to the desire to sleep and lay there in the growing sunlight to dream of happier times.
I was surprised when I woke up in a bed.
I was even more surprised to wake up in a bed with someone wrapped around me and my hand bandaged properly.
I was completely shocked to wake up in bed with her wrapped around me.
I lay there staring at the ceiling, my heart beating erratically and my breathing speeding up. I closed my eyes and a stab of fear passed through my body. I really didn’t want to go insane, no matter how nice it felt, but then again even insane people wouldn’t have managed to move from one place to another – at least not without knowing.
After deciding I was still sane, I was still left with the slight issue that she was lying in my arms and sleeping. Carefully extricating myself from her grip I ambled around the room and picked up some clothes. She probably wouldn’t want to wake up in my arms anyway; she’d said as much last night.
Dressing in nothing more than track pants and a jumper I took one last look at her before I left. She was home, she was safe, and that was more than I could ever hope to know. At least this way, she could keep the place and I could just find somewhere to hole myself up. With the decision made I left the house and headed for the streets.
I stopped paying attention to where I was going and just let my legs lead me. My thoughts were all simple, some about the sun, the breeze and the people just walking around me. I didn’t realise where I was headed until I saw the trees. Apparently my legs had decided to lead me straight back to the small grove, despite me deliberately walking in the opposite direction earlier.
Frowning I resigned myself to going there again, if for no other reason than to appease whatever subconscious desire for closure I had. I heard her voice before I saw her. I paused and hesitated but finally decided that I could just walk towards the edge and hide there so that she couldn’t see me but I could see her.
I managed to find a spot that was fairly well concealed and sat down, watching the light play over her hair and face as she sang to the setting sun.
“Just when I thought I was over you
I see your face and it just ain’t true”
The words flowed around and drifted into the trees. I swore I could see her voice playing in the breeze and drifting into the surrounding world but then again, I was borderline psychotic, the bandage attested to that.
I was still watching her when the thing crawled onto my leg. I may have a high tolerance for bugs and the like, but I can still get freaked out when it comes from nowhere.
I shouted and then sort of fell out from my well concealed spot. Her voice cut off and when I watched the bug crawl away again I cringed and refused to look behind me to what I was certain was an angry ex.
Before she could recover, I got back onto my feet and bolted – or at least attempted to. Not three steps were taken before I tripped on my own feet and landed face first on the ground. I had also reflexively stretched out my hand as I fell and my wound had landed on a rock. I couldn’t stop the yelp, borderline scream that emerged.
A hand brushed my brow and helped to lift me back up. I winced as my pants shifted and rubbed against what I felt would be a fairly large graze.
“Come on, let’s get you home,” she whispered into my ear. I neither had the strength nor the desire to run away from her so I followed her lead.
The moment we were inside she guided me to our bed, or is it her bed now, and told me to stay. She went off to get the med kit and came back with a frown on her face. I hadn’t moved an inch since she had left. I was even still wearing the slightly numb expression I had on before.
“Serena?” she asked gently. I didn’t move to indicate I had heard her. If I didn’t move, maybe she’d touch me again. She sighed to herself slightly and then began to clean up all the wounds she could see.
“Does it hurt anywhere else?” she asked with the concern evident in the way she looked at me. I wondered if the ache in my chest would be healed if I told her or if she’d just ignore it and pretend I was being stupid.
Deciding not to risk her laughing at me, I just shook my head and continued to sit there. She seemed resigned as her shoulders slumped slightly as she packed up the med kit. A few minutes later she was gone. I closed my eyes, keeping the image of her with me, how was I supposed to know when I’d see her next.
I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt the first drop on my hand. I looked at it curiously as if it held all the answers in the world.
Then she was back again, her hand brushing away all the tears, “Does it hurt?” she asked.
I nodded numbly, I decided that it didn’t matter whether or not she left anymore; I had no right to keep her here anyway. I don’t even remember when that fact had ever changed and felt ashamed for ever thinking of keeping her here.
She tucked me into bed gently, always so gently, as if she was afraid I’d break.
“Stay?” I whispered. I looked at her hopefully and took in the frown on her face. I should have known better than to think she’d want to stay with me, she’d probably just fallen asleep earlier.
I shook my head as if to reply for her, closed my eyes and burrowed further into the covers, trying in vain to stop the tears cascading. I’d cried so much recently, I was surprised I still had any tears left.
I felt cold air on my back before she was hugging me from behind.
“The sky opens up, over me and you,
And you don’t seem to mind, that we’re soaked through.
You kiss me in the rain; I forget what I’m moaning about
And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I wouldn’t be the same, without you…
I laugh at my own jokes, and what I deem to be clever wit
And you don’t seem to mind, that I’m so stupid
You kiss me once again; I forget what I’m babbling about
And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I couldn’t replicate your touch
Or love anyone again as much
I wouldn’t be the same, without you
I wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t be the same
I wouldn’t be the same, without you
Without you
Without you
Without you…”
Her voice trailed away and I calmed down enough to start drifting off again, it had been such a long day.
“I know we have a lot of things to work out right now, but if you want to, could we try again?” I asked. I felt her shift against my back and tuck herself in closer to me.
“Right now, I just want to fall asleep in your arms. But we’ll have the long overdue talk tomorrow,” she replied. I nodded slightly and turned around a little until I could see her face properly. Risking everything, I kissed her lightly on the brow. She just grinned and snugged in closer.
I felt my heart relax slightly. It seemed as though the world wasn’t as over as I had thought it was.
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