Remembering

Note: It doesn't really make sense...but it made me feel a little better I guess

It’s too bright here. I can’t seem to stop seeing things and all I want is the blissful darkness to draw me in and make me disappear. Did you know that when I look into the black, sometimes I imagine I can see you? Not just see you though; it’ll be sort of like imagining what you’re doing. I remember scenes. Not just a picture of you in my head, but an entire scene that captures the very essence of who you are.

For my dad, I remember this time he was fixing something in the ceiling. He was sweating and had some kind of chalky stuff covering him. The way I remember it, he was looking up at the ceiling, the ladder was behind him, and I was still so young that I had to look up so I can see him at a sort of angle. His glasses were dirty but he looked like he was concentrating really hard and he had a sort of furrow between his eyes from sort of squinting up. It didn’t really help that there was stuff still falling down.

That’s how I remember though, just random moments that mean something to me. I still can’t figure out why that scene’s so important to me. All he does is squint and sort of look at me as if he’s wondering what I’m doing there. If I recall correctly, he told me to get something after he’d looked up. It was either a tool or mum.

Anyway, I only remember that image of him. There’re others with the family, but only one for him. Is it bad that you seem to have millions though?

I remember this one scene where I’d be rounding the corner, and the first person I see is you, and I’ll watch you for the entire time. I get to see you look up at me and say hi. I love that look you’d give, the one where you’d just be smiling at me as if you’re actually happy to see me. Though reality is you’re probably just smiling because of what someone else has said. If of anything, coming late had its rewards, but then again I was rarely ever late.

When I’m not late you’d be the one to come around the corner and you’d be listening to music or just doing something simple. I’d wish that our mutual friend wasn’t here today just so I’d get to sit with you alone for a while, but then I’d feel guilty straight after and then wonder if I was a bad friend. Still, I love watching you walk in and smile your sleepy little smile.

There isn’t much else that you’d do that I don’t find adorable or some other insane thing. I guess love really does make you do that wacky, though I’d rather if I didn’t have to be crazy anywhere near you. I can’t seem to shut up you know, I just blurt out the wrong things all the time.

The lights are dimming now. I guess I’m falling asleep. I can’t really tell anymore, I’m entirely too numb to tell the difference. It’s been like this for a really long time. People keep whispering around me and I guess there’s only one person who actually talks to me but I don’t really know who it is. I’ve been in this room for entirely too long.

The voices tell me that I need to wake up soon and that I can’t hide in here forever, but I don’t want to come out. I never want to come out again. Everything’s gone.

See, the person who talks to me tells me that you’re all outside and worried about me. They say that sometimes I get moved to another room with other people, but I never notice that. They even tell me that sometimes you and the rest of our friends sometimes come to visit me together. I don’t ever understand. I can’t seem to make sense of anything anymore.

Did I tell you that the walls are bouncy?

Sometimes when I don’t want to sit still anymore I bounce around. In the beginning they let me flail my arms about, but I got angry and sad after bouncing so I started scratching. They stopped letting me wave my arms after that. I guess they don’t like red.

There’s this other thing that I get to do now instead, it’s the only other time I really feel like I’m real. They let me listen to my music. Any type of music I want and I get to sing along and dance to it. They can’t risk me flailing anymore, so they just let me hobble around I guess. It’s not like I was ever good at dancing anyway.

Otherwise the world’s sort of like this, too bright for me to understand. It’s dark now, and you’re walking towards me with your smile again. I feel alive again now. Tomorrow’s going to be here soon, I can feel it. Maybe they’ll let me dance and sing again; otherwise I guess I’ll have to wait till sleepy time. Good night. I love you.