And so...

I screw up regularly.

I know I screw up regularly because let's face it, it's me.

Sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up pissing someone off or making them upset. That hasn't changed and I tell myself to do better next time, to pay more attention next time, but I can't...or I don't.

Is it bad if music tends to reflect my mood. I'm listening to Stone Sour - Bother, again. It's been years since I last listened to it and usually I have difficulty figuring out who I'm directing it to, but this time it's actually fairly easy to figure out who I'm directing it to.

I'm weak. I know I'm weak because, again, let's face it, it's me.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I wish that people wouldn't look at me and see me as weak, or useless, but that's not the way the world works and I should know that better than anyone else.

I've lived a charmed life. I've never really had to work for what I want, it usually just lands in my lap. I get things handed to me on, essentially, a silver platter. So when I actually have to work for something, I'll put in as much effort as I can, except when I put in effort it tends to fail me.

If I counted the number of exams and the like that I put in effort for and got good in compared to the number that I winged, I'd say that the average mark of the winged exams are higher by far. So I'm lazy. So I'm deliberately lazy and I deliberately avoid putting in effort because I know that if I do, it'll screw up on me.

That said, I've been putting in effort to keep my girlfriend happy. It's almost obvious where I screwed up. I'll probably screw up regularly too which really makes me wonder why she bothers.

Music change: Story of the Year - Anthem of our Dying Day

It's been ages since I last heard this song, and before the people staying over actually arrive, I should probably scream this song once to relax a bit. Maybe I should go and play piano, that's usually amazingly calming.

I miss her. I miss her all the time. It's stupid because I want everything to fast forward to a time when I can see her every day, but at the same time I'm terrified that if I fast forward, she won't be here with me when I stop.

I have moments, especially when I'm really tired or really sick, or when I slow down for a second and just think. I hate them because my thoughts are never good and my thoughts always turn to what I'm scared of.

I'm scared that she'll find someone better than me in so many ways. Someone that can look after her better, and I know she's independent and she doesn't really need someone to look after her, but she's a princess who deserves a knight, not some stupid street kid that just takes every day as it comes. Princesses deserve heroes and I'm not a hero, I'll never be a hero, and when I slow down, I start imagining her with the hero she deserves.

A dashing young man who can pick her up and twirl her around and hold her in his arms. A man with determination who respects her and loves her with everything that he is. A man whose hands and body is so much bigger than mine that I look like an idiot just standing next to him. A man who can take her places and give her what she wants without the drama and the pain. Life with me would be so much harder in comparison that it just doesn't make sense.

I can't take away her fears, I can't fix anything because I generally can't fix things. I wish I could though. So when I slow down and I think for a bit. Whenever I slow down and think for a bit. I thank everything I know that she's in my life, that she's with me, that I have this chance to be with her. I thank everything that is and everything that could be that I had the chance to experience something as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined.

Then I start remembering that my life is awesome, but it's not perfect, so she'll probably realise that there's someone more perfect for her out there. Someone that isn't annoying and stupid. Someone that won't push her into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and she knows that she doesn't have to do them. Seriously...fruits? nuts? swimming? she's healthy, she runs, her favourite foods are actually good for her.

The things she's asking me to change? Water? Exercise? Veges? I already know I should be doing them, she just makes sure that I get it done. I'm grateful for it, really I am. But there's nothing that I'm asking her to do that she needs to or should do.

I'm a shit girlfriend. I know I'm a shit girlfriend. So now I'm going to wait, and savour every moment that I can, because when she realises that she can do better, I'll just get left behind like usual. I just wish that I could savour every moment without feeling like it's the last one and feeling like my heart's getting ripped from my chest. That said, it's weird, because when the feeling comes, my right palm tingles and it sort of hurts but at the same time, it doesn't.

I miss her. I love her. I'm an idiot. I wish she was my forever, but reality says that that kind of love is too rare to happen to me.