Up and down....and down....and down...

The world's swinging around....this font looks strange...

Meh...this is vaguely less disconcerting...

I suppose I should probably start writing properly again...it used to be a great stress reliever...of course...so is singing and general music merriment.

Let's start with the basics. I'm tired, I'm anxious and I'm slipping into that stupid spiral again and I have no idea how to drag myself back out of it. See, there's this thing where you know you should be happy, but for some reason you just aren't.

Ordinarily speaking, I can blame this on generalised loneliness. Let's face it...I'm probably going to live the rest of my life alone and I'm not 100% certain that I'm concerned about that.

So honest truths? I have no intention of ever getting married, having kids, or doing the whole fall in love thing. Truth be told, my intentions are rarely ever considered useful, but here they are and I do hope it'll pan out one day.

The truth is...perhaps we should just move onto something less annoying. I want to write more, but uni's coming up, and if it isn't uni, it's something else I'll make up. I just don't want to write. Words don't feel the same anymore.

That isn't to say that I've forgotten how to use them. I still randomly doodle things, but it's not as smooth as it used to be. Used to be, I could just sit down and the words would just flow out of my pen. Or well....keyboard. And it still does...sort of. I just have no direction.

I started this thing to consider ranting about someone, then I realised, he's not worth it. Then I considered writing something (since it's been...sooooo long) but then nothing really inspires me at the moment. I considered writing something dramatic about my life, I've considered many dramatic moments in my life, but it just never pans out the right way.

I've noticed that there's a distinct lack of actual sense in this thing, but I figure, it's better out than in. I'm probably running on a new tangent now, but here's to the generalised lonely life I'm going to live and the possibly fascinating fails that will be piled up in it.

I want to get a job, but I don't want to leave the one I'm in. I like selling things, I like bringing people joy and making people laugh or smile. It doesn't always happen, but my life seems to have more meaning when it works. I hate making people cry but I still wind up doing it anyway. I hate hurting people's feelings but I can't seem to stop insulting people in general.

I hate the idea of being wrong, but I'm only human so it's not like I can stop that one from happening. I hate the fact that my voice automatically raises when I'm passionate about something, whether that be in happiness or anger. I hate that when I'm angry, I can imagine doing all the damage in the world, and then not have to do any of it.

Actually...I don't hate that...it's useful. I've had so many moments where I wish I could just break down and cry, and because I've imagined myself doing it, I don't have to do it anymore. It's sad only because if I actually want to be in pain, I can imagine a really depressing situation, and my heart will hurt just like it probably would have if it were true.

I hate how much my imagination has taken over my world. There's a distinct lack of actual reality in some of the things I do. Most of my time is taken up by my overactive imagination and it's depressing. Why am I so determined to live in a world that's not this one?

If I'm completely honest to myself, the answer to that is fairly simple. This world's not worth living in. But hey...let's be faithful to the possibilities this world holds. Let's be frank, there's plenty that this world holds.

The possibility of love, hate, anger and compassion. Those alone make this world fairly interesting. Jealousy, obsession, selfishness, and selflessness. The actions that we make are all controlled by feelings which were probably trained into us.

If you feel this certain emotion, your reaction should be this.

Sucks though...if you think about it. It means that every time you're angry, that overwhelming need to yell at someone was bred into you. My parents yell...I get the yelling thing from them. So what happens if your parents hit you...does that mean you get that instead?

Moving on...I've wasted enough time and I should honestly consider finishing this off before I fail to complete everything this week...

Who knows...maybe I'll actually write more often this time...