Bleed To Forget

Title: Bleed To Forget

Rating: R I guess...death doesn't really let you say anything but R

Summary: Love, Death and all that...

Feedback: For this? I don't particularly want it...it's sort of personal.

Warnings: Suicide!! Don't read it if you're queasy about blood and the like.

I’m sitting next to the phone. I know he’ll never call because I’ve told him not to, but some small part of me wishes that he would, just so that it would stop hurting. There’s a ring and I snatch up the receiver only to hear an annoying telemarketer reply to my excited “hello”.

I hang up without listening, nothing’s worth listening to if it isn’t his voice.

There’s nothing to do around here anymore. It was stupid of me to think that telling him to leave me alone would help me get over him. All I had now was a sick feeling in my chest.

Every day was the same. I stayed inside and stared at the four walls surrounding me, trying to find something to take my mind off the loneliness that was permeating the air. I had tried to go outside, but everywhere I turned I had thought I had seen him and my heart would speed up, wishing it was him and that he would see me and hold me again, but it never is.

How am I supposed to wake up everyday thinking about him and knowing that he would never think about me? How am I supposed to go through life knowing that he doesn’t need me to live?

Trying to stop the tears from coming, I bite my lip and stare hard at the wall, trying to count the number of dots that aren’t there but I can pretend are. When the feeling passes, I let go of my lip and taste blood. I had bitten on it so many times in the last few days I don’t think it will last much longer before I bite right through it.

A knock on the door makes my heart skip a beat and I’m almost running to the door. The person on the other side is someone I neither want to see nor hear from but she is angry and determined. I had hurt her friend and I deserved all the punishment in the world.

“How could you tell him to leave you alone like that?” she demanded.

I cringed but kept my peace, figuring that she would leave when she had said her mind.

“He’s hurting so much from how rude you were and I honestly don’t think you’re worth defending,” she continued to rant.

Every word cut into me. I was hurting him by being away from him, and I was hurting myself as well, so why should I continue. Before I had managed to finish formulating the idea, I realised that even if this was hurting him, he wasn’t hurting as much as me. We were friends but for him it was nothing more and I didn’t want to feel the amount of pain I was feeling just for that little scrap of pleasure every time he smiled at me.

Shutting the door in our mutual friend’s face, I ignored her protest and settled for staring at the blank walls around me. I had taken away everything that reminded me of him, which was essentially everything. All that was in the room was a chair and the only reason that didn’t remind me of him was because it reminded me of my parents more. They had given it to me when I had moved in. I slept on the ground and stared at the walls all day. I knew that I had no more electricity but I never tested the theory. I didn’t need light when my life was so dark.

It was time now anyway. I couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t love me, he didn’t need me, at least not like I needed him. I took out the knife in my hand. I was a waste of space now. I wasn’t even alive inside; it was time that my body followed my heart.

My body was functional and others could use it, people that needed it to live, people that would live. The cut is deep – deep enough for blood to well up instantly and I watch the blood dribble down my arm. I hold a new towel under it and wait for it to soak up. I had only recently bought twenty of them for this.

The blood was slowing down and I frowned. I would need to bleed more. Bleed faster. This was taking too long and it wasn’t working.

I lay down a few towels until they overlapped to form three layers on the ground before lying down on it and proceeding to bare my legs. Cutting deep I winced from the sharp pain I felt when the blade dug into my flesh. The blood began to run, it wasn’t as slow as before and I felt light headed.

Lying completely on the towels, I recut my arms to make sure that it was still deep enough before changing hands so that the other arm was bleeding too. As I passed into sleep I smiled again. At least I wouldn’t have to think about him ever again.