Coming Out

Title: Coming Out

Rating: uhh…pg to an R I suppose…

Summary: it’s less than 2500 words, can’t you just read it?

Feedback: PLEASE?! Then I can work on everything else…

For: Ray, cause you wanted it

Warnings: it’s Slash (m/m) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it

Today’s the day, you think. Taking a deep breath you close your eyes and see your crush. You were going to tell him if it is the last thing you do. The words ring around in your head and you briefly wonder if you just jinxed it.

When you open your eyes again the clock seems to have sped up ten minutes and you hurriedly dress before you miss your train. A quick goodbye to your mum and a three minute run later and you manage to catch the train, sighing in relief from the exertion you almost fall into a seat.

The train ride is usually quick but today you’re so nervous that you keep checking your watch every few seconds to see if you’re going to be late. Soon you start debating whether or not this is the best idea you’ve ever had. You’re almost certain you’ll be rejected but you can’t seem to let go of that little bit of hope inside you that means he might see you the same way.

It’s time, you think to yourself. It’s now or never.

Your friends are waiting for you at the exit and most of them keep checking to see if you’re here yet.

“Finally!” yells Sam.

You laugh and roll your eyes.

“It’s not like I’m that late,” you say. They all laugh and point to the clock that says you’re ten minutes late.

“Yea, not that late,” you reply cheekily. Sam just smacks you on the head. For a girl, she sure slaps hard.

As you all start to walk towards the park, you begin to form pairs. Hilary seems to notice that something’s wrong because a few seconds later she falls in line next to you and slows down to your pace.

“You alright?” she asks.

“Yea, I’m fine,” you reply. You try and smile but even you know that it was a half assed attempt.

“What’s wrong?” she asks again, sighing slightly.

“I’m telling him,” you say. She nods slowly and you can see that she’s really thinking this over.

“I’ll be here to catch you if you fall,” she says. You smile because you know that no matter what happens your friends will still support you.

“Hurry up you two!” yells Sam.

“It’s not like we’ll miss much!” you yell back.

You can both tell that Sam rolls her eyes just by the way she cocks her head back. You both laugh and Sam runs ahead into the park and chases the birds away.

Five minutes later the rest of the people get here and you all sit on a picnic rug and wait for the BBQ to be done. Alec and Daniel were doing it but Sam was flitting around for the fun of it as was Hilary.

“James!” yells Sam. Startled out of your reverie you look at her.

“What?” you ask.

“How much can you eat?” she asks. She seems to notice your detachment and cocks her head to the side in a silent question. You shake your head. This was neither the time nor the place. Maybe when it was night and you had all convened to Terrence’s place.

“Two I suppose,” you reply, unsure but willing to try. She nods and takes your response in stride as though it had never happened.

For the entire lunch Daniel sits next to you and you can’t help but wish he’d move a little closer or maybe if you had enough guts you could just lean in a little closer to him. Alas you don’t try and the meal is over entirely too fast for your liking.

After much deliberation the entire group decides to get alcohol for the party tonight. The number of people that would be there was closer to twenty so they decided that they’d probably just buy enough for themselves. Opting to go alone Daniel and Hilary go together and you feel like Daniel’s just staked his claim to straight-dom.

Trying to stop the tears, you bite your lip and turn away, feigning interest in something else. Hilary and Sam can see through it immediately but Daniel drags Hilary away before she can talk to you.

The moment they’re gone you can feel the tears starting to roll down your face and Sam just holds you while you let it out. It’s not normal for a guy to cry, especially in public but it was hurting just a little too much, especially considering what you want to do tonight.

Sam waits patiently for you to calm down a little before you two start talking and you tell her all about tonight. No judgement is passed, but you feel relieved that you’re letting someone else know the virtual suicide you have planned for tonight.

The rest of the day passes quickly and laughter soon replaces the tears. At 6 pm you all head off towards Terrence’s place. He welcomes you in and laughs at the selection of alcohol you’ve brought but says nothing and points you inside. The night passes relatively calmly but then Daniel, in a drunken pass kisses Hilary on the lips. The breath steals from your body and Hilary pushes him off, but the damage is done.

You can’t bring yourself to do anything except get up and leave the room. Sam and Hilary both run out after you, trying to stop you from doing anything stupid in your tipsy state.

“James!” yells Hilary.

“I’m fine,” you mutter, pushing her away.

“It didn’t mean anything to me,” Hilary says.

“I know it doesn’t, but it means something to him,” you reply bitterly.

“He’s drunk remember?” soothes Sam.

“Yea, so am I! At least I plan to be very drunk very soon,” you say, taking a huge swig of the bottle in your hand. It burns slightly and you’re not quite certain what it is, but the effect is the same and you stagger slightly.

Hilary and Sam share a look and hold you up as best they can.

Three more bottles later and you’re almost gone from the world. Hilary and Sam take you home and you can’t really remember anything but before the world goes black you hear Sam mutter, “Some Christmas party this was.”

Next thing you know, you’re staring up at the white ceiling of your room. You groan as the memories start to seep into your mind. It’s slightly foggy, but nothing could erase the burnt memory of Daniel - your crush, your everything - kissing your friend on the lips.

Getting up is the worst decision you’ve made in a long time but your bladder can’t hold it much longer and you stumble into the bathroom. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you wonder how you could have ever thought that he would have felt even remotely similar to how you feel about him. You have the overwhelming desire to smash the mirror but you know that it’ll be entirely too much trouble to deal with the aftermath.

Sighing you wash your face and take a pill for the hangover, wishing that for once you had enough guts to do something instead of always watching your heart getting ripped out and stepped on.

A knock on the bathroom door makes him wipe his face down before opening it to reveal Sam and Hilary.

“After last night we figured you’d need a little pick-me-up,” explains Hilary.

They both lift up the ice cream and chocolates in their hands. You can’t stop the tears and the teary smile you give them lets them know that even if hearts are breaking, you’ll all still be there for each other.

“So, what are the Christmas Day plans?” asks Hilary.

“Crying my heart out, otherwise nothing, why?” you ask.

“What about you Sam?”

“Same drill. I’m the hopeless romantic who’s been crushing for almost three years remember?” she replied wryly. You hug her and she hugs you back, you’re both in the same boat. Falling for your friend is possibly the most stupid thing you could ever do.

“Fine, be all boring,” huffs Hilary.

A few jokes later and a couple of cokes (unspiked) and you need to go to the toilet again. When you come back out, you can hear the other two talking but they are silent when you step into the room.

“Why do I feel like something’s going on?” you ask rhetorically.

They both smile at you innocently and they start talking about nothing again. Hours later when the day had long dispersed into the night, you yawn and tell them to keep going. The sadness doesn’t disperse, but the blissful darkness of sleep takes over and your dreams are of someone holding you close at night and whispering promises to keep you safe and loved.

Waking up this time seems different.

For starters, movement doesn’t actually seem to be working. That and it is really dark.

Blinking a few times to make sure you actually had your eyes open, you realise that it is extremely dark in here; wherever here is. You wonder if maybe you’re dreaming but the standard pinching yourself scenario seems a little impossible when you can’t actually move your body.

Looking down you realise that you’re wrapped up in gift wrap and what looks like toilet paper…or maybe bandages. Hushed voices reach your ears and you wonder if maybe whoever it is will shed light on whatever situation you’re in. Pun intended.

A slight rustling sound makes you look up and the light that comes through makes you instantly shut your eyes and wince.

“James?” asks a very familiar voice.

You try and reply but notice that your mouth is taped shut.

Daniel immediately starts un-wrapping you.

“Who did this?” he demands.

“I think it was Hilary and Sam,” you reply wryly when you finally get free.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his hand touching your cheek. You feel your heart beat faster and you unconsciously lick your lips.

He’s so close to you.

The movement makes him look down at your lips and he responds by licking his lips too and leaning in a little bit more. You close your eyes just as his lips brush yours. If this was a movie you’d cue in the climax of a song and instantly. It seemed to last for eternity but then suddenly he pulled away. You had been resting slightly on him and his sudden movement makes you fall over and you land on the floor face first.

You’ve gone red from embarrassment and you’re certain that he’d leave soon anyway but you still felt like you were in heaven. He kissed me was the only thing going around in your head.

Hands turned you over and you look into his eyes.

“Are you alright? I’m so sorry. I didn’t realise…” he mutters. Your hand on his lips stops his hurried words. You didn’t want to hear him tell you he didn’t mean to kiss you.

“It’s fine,” you whisper. He looks at you, his worry fading away at your assurance.

It hurts so much to be so close to him and still so far. You wonder if maybe this was worse than death. Knowing exactly what you could have, but also knowing that you’d never have it. You look at the ground as if it’s the most important thing in the world.

“I know that you’re not…like me,” you say. Your voice is trembling slightly and he seems to pick up on it. His hand tilts your chin up and forces you to look into his eyes. You look past him at the ceiling behind him.

“I know you could never love me like I love you. But could you let me, just for today, let me believe you could?” you finish.

“James, look at me,” he says. You close your eyes and a tear leaks out of the corner. His thumb brushes it away.

“Please, look at me,” he whispers into your ear. You can feel his breath on your cheek and you open your eyes and look into his. You know that your eyes are watery because he’s sort of blurry, but he’s still perfect to you.

“I do love you like you love me,” he says, “Presuming that you love me like I think you love me.”

You can’t help but smile at his childishness.

“Thanks for lying to me,” you whisper. You wrap your arms around him and hide in the crook of his neck, breathing his scent in.

“I’m not lying to you,” he says. You pull away and look him in the eyes, trying to see if he really is telling the truth.

“But…Hilary…”

“I uh…sort of missed,” he says sheepishly.

“Missed?”

“You were sitting next to her and drunk me obviously can’t tell distances.”

Then you can’t help but laugh. He joins in and when the laughter dies down, it’s just you and him again.

You lean into him and he leans down, meeting you halfway. The kiss is gentle and sweet, just a promise of what could be and what is.

“I love you,” he whispers, “I always have.”

“You should have told me,” you whisper back.

“Like you told me?” he asks cheekily.

“Love you,” you say. He smiles and kisses you gently one more time.

“We should go thank those two girls that I believe are currently hiding in my kitchen congratulating themselves,” he says.

You nod.

“Later,” you mutter, pulling him in for a kiss.