Talking to Oneself

What’s it mean when a man says he loves her?
What does it mean when she says she loves him back?

She walked down the street, her mind running in circles as she tried to work out what had put her in this situation in the first place. Picking up the knife she stared at it for a while, wondering what to do with it, what would happen if she did what she had wanted to do for years.

The weirdest thing was that she had been so deep into this that it was killing her slowly anyway, but every single beat of her heart was worse than any knife could ever make it. She was starting to feel hollow again. The stabbing pain of rejection forgotten as her mind remembered moments where it had been cut before, where she had felt so useless and unwanted.

Closing her eyes tight, she tried to fight, another side of her mind presenting the other argument, but it was weak now, weak as it always was when she scratched. Her heart was fighting with her mind and it was making her so confused. Last time it had taken less than an hour to convince her heart that it was the best thing to do, but then someone had talked her out of it and her heart had held the mind captive again, giving it logical reasons to stay, stay in this world forever.

The knife was heavy in her hand and she took a deep breath before opening her eyes carefully and staring at the knife that sat there in her grip. It was shining, a silvery kind of colour with light glinting off it to make an even more perfect sight than before.

“You’re no one,” she whispered, a tear threatening to fall.

“You’re everything to someone,” her heart fought back.

“No you’re not, you were born nothing and you’ll die nothing. That’s how it works.”

“Stop lying to yourself, you still have family and friends.”

She laughed to herself, a hysterical laugh that was more in her mind than out loud and she continued to examine the knife with an almost hypnotised expression. She touched the blade gently, lightly, almost reverently and closed her eyes. It was time to end this argument, whichever way it wanted to fall. She set down the knife and sat upon the stool, staring into space as she let her mind battle out the final decision of tonight.

“There’s so much more to live for. Other people have dealt with this before and they come out fine, why make a mess for yourself?”

“I’m not other people. I’m not as smart. Nor do I have the strength to fight for so long and still manage to survive.”

“Fight? You’ve been running not fighting!”

“Running tires you out anyway”

“Stop lying to yourself”

“What lying? Is it my fault I’m being realistic?”

“You’re being cynical and you know it”

“Nothing missed there”

“Take a step back and look for the happy moments!”

“What happy moments?”

“If you’d stop ignoring them, you’d see them”

“Ignorance is bliss”

“Not in this case it isn’t”

“I’m nothing in this world, I’ll be nothing for the rest of eternity, why fight what’s coming?”

“Because not everyone sees it your way”

“I’m hurting people, hurting people I’d die to protect”

“Then try living with them and not behind them”

“I follow leaders. It’s pointless to try and make this world without someone to watch your back”

“So while you’re watching their backs, who’s watching yours?”

“Does it matter? I dun need to live through life any other way. I will live, breathe and die much the same as any other”

“Still you want to escape, why must you fight the need to live? It’s only human”

“Perhaps humanity is what makes me want to die”

The conversation went into a fairly simple route after that, points presented and refuted, slowly and surely, one side coming out victor.

I wrote this in August....dun mess with the mind...