Inconsequential Failure

And so...

2011-07-18T20:32:00.003+10:00

I screw up regularly.

I know I screw up regularly because let's face it, it's me.

Sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up pissing someone off or making them upset. That hasn't changed and I tell myself to do better next time, to pay more attention next time, but I can't...or I don't.

Is it bad if music tends to reflect my mood. I'm listening to Stone Sour - Bother, again. It's been years since I last listened to it and usually I have difficulty figuring out who I'm directing it to, but this time it's actually fairly easy to figure out who I'm directing it to.

I'm weak. I know I'm weak because, again, let's face it, it's me.

I wish I could be stronger, I wish I wasn't so dependent on other people. I wish that people wouldn't look at me and see me as weak, or useless, but that's not the way the world works and I should know that better than anyone else.

I've lived a charmed life. I've never really had to work for what I want, it usually just lands in my lap. I get things handed to me on, essentially, a silver platter. So when I actually have to work for something, I'll put in as much effort as I can, except when I put in effort it tends to fail me.

If I counted the number of exams and the like that I put in effort for and got good in compared to the number that I winged, I'd say that the average mark of the winged exams are higher by far. So I'm lazy. So I'm deliberately lazy and I deliberately avoid putting in effort because I know that if I do, it'll screw up on me.

That said, I've been putting in effort to keep my girlfriend happy. It's almost obvious where I screwed up. I'll probably screw up regularly too which really makes me wonder why she bothers.

Music change: Story of the Year - Anthem of our Dying Day

It's been ages since I last heard this song, and before the people staying over actually arrive, I should probably scream this song once to relax a bit. Maybe I should go and play piano, that's usually amazingly calming.

I miss her. I miss her all the time. It's stupid because I want everything to fast forward to a time when I can see her every day, but at the same time I'm terrified that if I fast forward, she won't be here with me when I stop.

I have moments, especially when I'm really tired or really sick, or when I slow down for a second and just think. I hate them because my thoughts are never good and my thoughts always turn to what I'm scared of.

I'm scared that she'll find someone better than me in so many ways. Someone that can look after her better, and I know she's independent and she doesn't really need someone to look after her, but she's a princess who deserves a knight, not some stupid street kid that just takes every day as it comes. Princesses deserve heroes and I'm not a hero, I'll never be a hero, and when I slow down, I start imagining her with the hero she deserves.

A dashing young man who can pick her up and twirl her around and hold her in his arms. A man with determination who respects her and loves her with everything that he is. A man whose hands and body is so much bigger than mine that I look like an idiot just standing next to him. A man who can take her places and give her what she wants without the drama and the pain. Life with me would be so much harder in comparison that it just doesn't make sense.

I can't take away her fears, I can't fix anything because I generally can't fix things. I wish I could though. So when I slow down and I think for a bit. Whenever I slow down and think for a bit. I thank everything I know that she's in my life, that she's with me, that I have this chance to be with her. I thank everything that is and everything that could be that I had the chance to experience something as close to perfect as I could have ever imagined.

Then I start remembering that my life is awesome, but it's not perfect, so she'll probably realise that there's someone more perfect for her out there. Someone that isn't annoying and stupid. Someone that won't push her into doing things that she doesn't want to do, and she knows that she doesn't have to do them. Seriously...fruits? nuts? swimming? she's healthy, she runs, her favourite foods are actually good for her.

The things she's asking me to change? Water? Exercise? Veges? I already know I should be doing them, she just makes sure that I get it done. I'm grateful for it, really I am. But there's nothing that I'm asking her to do that she needs to or should do.

I'm a shit girlfriend. I know I'm a shit girlfriend. So now I'm going to wait, and savour every moment that I can, because when she realises that she can do better, I'll just get left behind like usual. I just wish that I could savour every moment without feeling like it's the last one and feeling like my heart's getting ripped from my chest. That said, it's weird, because when the feeling comes, my right palm tingles and it sort of hurts but at the same time, it doesn't.

I miss her. I love her. I'm an idiot. I wish she was my forever, but reality says that that kind of love is too rare to happen to me.

Apparently I need to write

2011-07-12T01:36:00.004+10:00

So it's been a very very long time since my last crush ended and my new crush has started.

If you rewind in this blog, you'll find a lot of writing on a person who (from memory) isn't ever named. To be honest, I failed as a friend and let us drift apart. I probably miss her more as a friend than anything else now, though that said, I've found other people that fill the void that she filled.

Is it weird that I thought that she was my everything, that she was something that I needed, and if I really think about it now, she never really deserved the strange infatuation I had?

I should probably clarify. She'll still be my first serious crush, but at the same time, she was never on my mind half as much as my new crush and I never needed to be around her even a tenth of how much I need to be around my new crush.

My new crush is my girlfriend. She's all kinds of awesome and all kinds of hot. She doesn't believe me when I compliment her, but I figure if I say it enough she'll eventually have to get the point.

I could probably go on about her for hours, and then she'd flay me because it's 1:40 am and I have work in the morning. The only reason she's not yelling at me now is because she fell asleep, as she tends to, while she was on the phone with me.

I have a feeling she's going to kill me for writing that up on a public blog.

To finish this off in a less depressing way than the rest of this blog, because this blog is insanely depressing, though I've forgotten most of it.

I love her, I know she loves me to. I know she thinks that I don't trust her as much as she trusts me but I hope she realises that I do trust her, just in a different way. She could lead me to a cliff edge and tell me to jump and I would do it. There might be a slight argument that would precede the jump, but assuming that she just wants me to, and possibly if she makes a cute sad face that I can't resist, I'll jump off.

I know I can't convince her that I trust her more than before and that it'll take a lifetime for me to trust in someone so completely that I don't feel like I'm going to be abandoned. I suppose I should explain to her properly the next time I see her, but until then, I'll just hope that she sticks around long enough to realise that I trust her more than anyone else in my life.

Sleepy time...or well...it was sleepy time about an hour or two ago...work's going to be so exciting...

Another age...

2011-07-12T01:16:00.002+10:00

So apparently my girlfriend reads my blog. I don't really know why but there you have it.

Here's my apology because of tonight:

She moved with grace and poise that was probably a little more than necessary for the situation. I gaped, though admittedly it probably just made me look more like a moron than usual.

"I think I just saw a fly go in," she said without turning around.

My mouth snapped shut and I studiously stared at a nearby twig on the ground. A finger glided down my cheek and under my chin, gently tilting my head back up.

"I didn't say you had to stop looking though," she said, a slight laugh in her voice and an amused smile on her face. I could feel my face heating up and I tried to think of anything but the extreme embarrassment that comes with staring a little too hard at someone.

She let me go and went back to her previous stance, her body naturally leaning into stretches I could barely even dream of making.

One particular stretch had her turn her head slightly in my direction and I swore I saw her wink.

In a vague attempt to collect my scattered brains I went back to staring at the twig.

"What's so fascinating about that twig?" she asked, her tone more curious than anything else.

"It's nice and boring and...not half as hot as you," I muttered.

She seemed to catch what I said anyway and laughed lightly.

"I need a shower, I'll be right back," she said. She leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips before she disappeared into the house.

I sighed and touched my lips in mild contemplation. I wondered how long it would take before a simple kiss like that wouldn't make my heart beat faster and make me want more.

"And so the boring keep each other company," I said, addressing the twig.

The door squeaked open and I looked up to see her head peek through.

"You coming?" she asked.

I made a slight nod of solidarity to the boring twig on the floor before dashing into the house. The twig and I could stare at each other another day. For now, I had a hot shower with a hot girl waiting for me.

***

I'm really really really really sorry. I know I'm stupidly sensitive to things and I have stupid dreams that scare me all the time and tell me exactly what I'm scared of, but I never want you to change the way you are just because of me.

Love you.

Blood Part 2/?

2011-01-09T11:29:00.008+11:00

I don't actually remember writing this story...so if there's something glaring wrong...I'm soooo sorry...

The pain woke me up. It made sense, but it wasn't something I was particularly happy about.

Opening my eyes to a squint, I looked around me. If I was unlucky I would be in a creepy cellar somewhere waiting for ugly men in suits to come in and drag me into a lab with a nice and happily cold metal slab in its middle. If I was lucky, I was still under the hospital bed that had been so conveniently placed.

What I saw made me open my eyes properly and look around.

No cellar or anything similar to it, and no hospital. Where in the world was I now?

The door opened, as they do after you just manage to wake up. It's like everyone has an innate ability to show up into a room the moment you wake up...friend or foe. The giant squid walked in. To be completely fair, she didn't look much like a squid anymore, but then again I could understand how my drugged up mind had drawn the connection.

"Glad you're finally awake," she said. Her tone was a lot more welcoming than the professional hospital voice I remembered. Apparently the drugs made her seem more like an evil doctor...somehow I missed the drugs.

I tried to shift into a more comfortable position but the floor was making it difficult. I also realised, rather belatedly, that I was actually chained this time and not in the good way.

"Relax," she said. I looked at her, incredulous.

She sighed and took out a key from her pocket, holding it up as though trying to show that she wasn't about to attack me. I watched her approach and unlock my wrists. She immediately jumped back, as though afraid of what I'd do now that I was free. The faint smell of apples drifted in the air around me.

"I assume you're in pain," she said warily. I was tempted to say "nah duh" but that seemed a little childish, even for me.

"I'll just get you some pain meds, don't go anywhere, please," she said, backing towards the door.

There was something faintly pleading about the please that made me look at her in a new light. Perhaps there was more to this story than I originally thought, at the very least she seemed vaguely invested in my comfort and that was better than most other people already.

It took her about five minutes of my pain filled mind to come back with a syringe. Now you have to understand, I’ve been injected with all sorts of strange concoctions and to be honest, I’m surprised I’m still alive from them, but this is probably the first time I’ve ever been happy to see a syringe. The effect was almost instantaneous and I was now even more grateful for drugs than before, if that was even possible.

“I don’t suppose you want to talk?” she asked. I looked at the squid. I’d actually forgotten she was here, which is disconcerting given that I’ve been trained to be fully aware of my surroundings at all times. I blamed the drugs and generalised pain for my lapse in concentration.

She looked at me as though she was expecting a reply. I realised, once again belatedly, that she had actually asked me a question expecting a reply.

“I wasn’t lying when I was in the hospital,” she continued, “I actually do need to ask you some questions.”

Now really wasn’t a good time. In fact, if she’d just wait until I didn’t feel like every breath was a competition I would have been more than willing to answer her questions.

“El!”

The squid, apparently dubbed ‘El’, spun around to face the door. A bearded, kind of scruffy looking man was standing there.

“Leave her alone El, we can talk to her in a few days when she’s healed a bit more,” he said. Internally I was nodding enthusiastically. I was grateful for them saving me, and if they knew what I am, I’m doubly grateful that they’re saving me, so answering questions in repayment was probably the easiest thing I’d ever had to do.

“But...”

“Elaine! She’s just had surgery. She’s not physically capable of doing much more than just breathing at the moment,” the guy said, cutting in before the squid could protest. She nodded and pushed past him, not particularly gently either.

There was silence as the man watched me watch him. It was a nice mutual watching session.

“I doubt you’ll try to escape. From what I know, you lot have a strangely strong sense of honour, and given that all we’re asking for in repayment is a few questions answered, I’m hoping that you haven’t been so twisted by those bastards that you try to leave without answering them. For now, the best thing you can do is sleep, and if you heal as fast as you’re meant to, you’ll be fit to fight by the time you wake up.”

The man turned around and walked away, shutting the door gently behind him.

Most curious. He seemed to know more than he was letting on but to be completely honest he was right on both counts. I decided that now was not a good time to question the hand I had been dealt and drifted into a slightly troubled but revitalising sleep.

The sound of giggling woke me up.

From the sound of it, it was a child, and from the faint smell of apples, it was probably a relative of the squid. I dared to open my eyes and sure enough a mini squid was sitting next to me, her finger poised over my stomach.

She was about to touch it when she glanced up, presumably to check that I was still asleep. When she saw my eyes open she promptly fell back, wincing as she landed harder than she wanted to.

“Mica,” hissed someone from the door.

I noticed that this child looked old enough to perhaps be an older brother, but given that the little girl looked six, the boy was only ten or so.

It was comical to see his face contort into fear when he realised I was awake. He was fast though. I had to grant him that as he quickly stepped into the room and pulled his sister behind him. He edged backwards, forcing his sister through the door, his eyes never leaving me.

The moment he was out of sight, I shifted my body slightly, checking to see if I was still in half the pain I was in before my questionably long period of sleep. Thankfully my body’s generally faster than normal healing powers had me back to essentially full strength already.

I sat up, regretting the fast movement when the room around me swam slightly. Apparently I was a little further from full strength than I thought.

Testing my limits, I tried standing. This was obviously a bad idea and I had never been more grateful for the squid’s timely entry until then.

The faint smell of apples surrounded me as I essentially snuggled into her arms. Not the smartest way to come out, but definitely the comfiest.

“Good to see you up,” said a man’s voice. The same man as yesterday, complete with beard, was standing in the doorway. There was laughter in his eyes and if my guess was correct, he was laughing at the squid’s expense.

I put my feet onto the ground properly, the extra blood flow helping me finally stand up on my own. The fact that I could do that was probably more thanks to my faster healing ability than some strange blood characteristic.

I coughed slightly and then swallowed. That was a bad idea. I realised fairly quickly that swallowing when there’s nothing to actually swallow hurts. Before I could wallow in that thought, a cup was placed at my lips and pure heavenly water was sliding down my throat. That’s twice in two days. I must be going for a record.

“Better?” asked the squid. She sounded a mixture of amused, wry and, dare I say it, concerned.

“Infinitely,” I replied, glad my voice didn’t crack or croak or some other equally embarrassing and creepy noise.

“Then you can answer our questions,” said the man.

My stomach chose this wonderful time to make itself known to the world. I’d been ignoring it for about three days before the extremely fascinating hospital trip. Understandably, it must have been fairly upset with me.

“After food,” offered the squid. I smiled. The squid returned it and for a whole second I was swept away with how different she looked genuinely happy. I almost named her ‘El’ in my head, until the light dimmed back down in her eyes and her smile lost its power.

Squid it was.

Blood Part 1/?

2010-09-08T23:36:00.005+10:00

It hurt to just breathe and for a whole minute I contemplated the idea of not breathing.

A car drove past nearby, its wheels screeching slightly when the driver obviously failed to slow down for the sharp corner. I lifted my head slightly and looked towards the road, the slight black of bitumen teasing me from between the blades of grass. The grass started swaying in my vision and I knew that I'd lost entirely too much blood. Logic told me to put my hand on the wound and pray for the best, but even that movement seemed too much at the moment.

Another car drove by and I wanted to laugh. How many cars would drive by without the drivers ever noticing the half dead person in the grass next to it? I sighed, blaming the ditch I was in, the sudden sharp corner of the road, and my generally small size.

The sound of a car door slamming made me wince. It seemed a little too loud for some reason.

"Is someone there?" asked a woman. From her voice, I'd probably have to wager more girl than woman, but I was never all that good at guessing ages anyway.

"Oh my God," exclaimed the woman. I was tempted to laugh, and mentally I was rolling around in laughter, but my only physical reaction was a slight quirk of my lips.

Trust my luck that the person who was going to 'save' me was probably incompetent enough to just speed up my death. A warm hand touched my head and I mentally shut down, if I was going to die, I was totally doing it in my sleep.

It was cold. Not in a 'holy cow it's freezing' sort of way, but in a 'my skin is probably ten degrees colder than it needs to be' sort of way. I sighed and winced when the action caused my chest to start hurting again.

Fantastic. I was alive.

I opened my eyes slightly and was greeted to the fascinating green curtain of hospital privacy. I closed my eyes again and counted to ten, just because it looked like I was in one of those stupid hospital dramas on tv doesn't mean I was actually in one. When I opened my eyes again, I was greeted to the same creepy curtains. Life really wasn't going my way.

"Oh good, you're awake. You gave us all quite the scare you know," said the nurse. Or well, I assumed it was the nurse, he didn't seem very doctory. Not that I knew what a doctor actually looked like.

I stared at him. Just because my instant response to his comment was to tell him that he was a wimp if a half dead girl could scare him, doesn't mean he had to hear it. I was grateful, really I was. Now all I needed to make my day was a giant squid coming through the curtain and strangling me.

A squid walked into the small enclosure.

Alright, not quite a squid, but if you saw her, you'd think she was a giant squid too. I sighed. Please just strangle me and be done with it.

"Mick, get her some water," the squid ordered. The nurse nodded and then seemingly ran to do her bidding. I was tempted, oh so tempted, to ask her if maybe she'd want the water more.

"I'm assuming that you know where you are. You haven't made any attempt to talk and though I would ordinarily assume that you seem to be the type to not enjoy talking, I need you to answer some questions and then I believe the police would like to ask you some." She said all this without taking her eye off the small screen next to my bed. A good thing since my first reaction to 'police' was to blanch.

Before I could figure out my chances of knocking her out and escaping, Mick was back with a jug of presumably water and a cup already filled in his hands. He put the cup against my lips and gently urged me to drink. The first sip was like heaven. I could feel it sliding down my parched throat. The rest of the cup went without incident. I smiled at him gratefully and he bustled off after the squid waved her hand.

"I know what you are," she said. I looked at her then, my eyes really looking at her instead of trying to discern how squid-like she actually was.

"Leave," I rasped. She smirked.

If you've ever seen a squid smirk, you'd understand that there are some things in life people can live without. This was definitely one of them. If I wasn't already mentally scarred, this would definitely do the job.

"I'm sorry, but I have orders to keep you here," she said. Despite sounding unapologetic, something in her eyes gave her away. She seemed to be trying to tell me something.

Fantastic, my brain was still mushy and a giant squid was trying to tell me something with her eyes. I was tempted to just close my eyes and go back to sleep, but then the threat of police was a very real and very dangerous problem.

"I need to check on some other patients. I assume you're a little too tired to do anything anyway but just in case."

I heard the snap of hand cuffs and looked down at my wrist. The cuff lay uselessly next to my hand, snapped around air. She did that strange talking to me with her eyes thing again and I followed her gaze towards the left side of the enclosure. Did she want me to jump out the left side of the enclosure?

Before I could actually verify anything she had left through the right side and left me to my own devices. Figuring that I'd probably have a higher chance of survival jumping off a building than winding up in the hands of the police, I removed all the weird tubes from my body and dashed out of the left side of the enclosure.

Well, I attempted to dash out. Reality was nice and cruel by making me essentially crawl out of the left side. Apparently I wasn't quite ready to walk yet.

I wound up under another bed, which was probably a good thing given that in the next minute a man yelled and suddenly there was lots of yelling, most of it running along the lines of 'she escaped'.

Deciding that under a bed was as comfy as on top of it at the moment, I curled up and went to sleep, praying more than anything else that no one would find me.

Up and down....and down....and down...

2010-08-23T23:46:00.002+10:00

The world's swinging around....this font looks strange...

Meh...this is vaguely less disconcerting...

I suppose I should probably start writing properly again...it used to be a great stress reliever...of course...so is singing and general music merriment.

Let's start with the basics. I'm tired, I'm anxious and I'm slipping into that stupid spiral again and I have no idea how to drag myself back out of it. See, there's this thing where you know you should be happy, but for some reason you just aren't.

Ordinarily speaking, I can blame this on generalised loneliness. Let's face it...I'm probably going to live the rest of my life alone and I'm not 100% certain that I'm concerned about that.

So honest truths? I have no intention of ever getting married, having kids, or doing the whole fall in love thing. Truth be told, my intentions are rarely ever considered useful, but here they are and I do hope it'll pan out one day.

The truth is...perhaps we should just move onto something less annoying. I want to write more, but uni's coming up, and if it isn't uni, it's something else I'll make up. I just don't want to write. Words don't feel the same anymore.

That isn't to say that I've forgotten how to use them. I still randomly doodle things, but it's not as smooth as it used to be. Used to be, I could just sit down and the words would just flow out of my pen. Or well....keyboard. And it still does...sort of. I just have no direction.

I started this thing to consider ranting about someone, then I realised, he's not worth it. Then I considered writing something (since it's been...sooooo long) but then nothing really inspires me at the moment. I considered writing something dramatic about my life, I've considered many dramatic moments in my life, but it just never pans out the right way.

I've noticed that there's a distinct lack of actual sense in this thing, but I figure, it's better out than in. I'm probably running on a new tangent now, but here's to the generalised lonely life I'm going to live and the possibly fascinating fails that will be piled up in it.

I want to get a job, but I don't want to leave the one I'm in. I like selling things, I like bringing people joy and making people laugh or smile. It doesn't always happen, but my life seems to have more meaning when it works. I hate making people cry but I still wind up doing it anyway. I hate hurting people's feelings but I can't seem to stop insulting people in general.

I hate the idea of being wrong, but I'm only human so it's not like I can stop that one from happening. I hate the fact that my voice automatically raises when I'm passionate about something, whether that be in happiness or anger. I hate that when I'm angry, I can imagine doing all the damage in the world, and then not have to do any of it.

Actually...I don't hate that...it's useful. I've had so many moments where I wish I could just break down and cry, and because I've imagined myself doing it, I don't have to do it anymore. It's sad only because if I actually want to be in pain, I can imagine a really depressing situation, and my heart will hurt just like it probably would have if it were true.

I hate how much my imagination has taken over my world. There's a distinct lack of actual reality in some of the things I do. Most of my time is taken up by my overactive imagination and it's depressing. Why am I so determined to live in a world that's not this one?

If I'm completely honest to myself, the answer to that is fairly simple. This world's not worth living in. But hey...let's be faithful to the possibilities this world holds. Let's be frank, there's plenty that this world holds.

The possibility of love, hate, anger and compassion. Those alone make this world fairly interesting. Jealousy, obsession, selfishness, and selflessness. The actions that we make are all controlled by feelings which were probably trained into us.

If you feel this certain emotion, your reaction should be this.

Sucks though...if you think about it. It means that every time you're angry, that overwhelming need to yell at someone was bred into you. My parents yell...I get the yelling thing from them. So what happens if your parents hit you...does that mean you get that instead?

Moving on...I've wasted enough time and I should honestly consider finishing this off before I fail to complete everything this week...

Who knows...maybe I'll actually write more often this time...

Troublesome

2009-07-19T03:52:00.004+10:00

It's been ages since I last updated or wrote anything. I've written drabbles of stuff that I tend to either delete, or if I've written them in an msn window, they're just gone. Tonight though...it feels like there's something fundamentally wrong. I'm not really sure what it is but I figure that it should sort itself out.

In the last year, I haven't really had any serious thoughts about scratching, and in all honesty there isn't a strong compulsion to do so now. However, I can't ignore the fact that there is a lingering desire to brand 'Inconsequential Failure' into my arm and I'm not sure where that need comes from.

I'm supposed to be sleeping actually. Given that it's currently 4 am and I'll probably need to wake up in 6 hours or so, it would probably be smart for me to sleep, especially since I believe I'm still sick. Sick in the coughing sense, not the mental kind, though admittedly, given my current compulsion, it would appear that I probably do have some kind of mental problem.

Ooh, but there are now ads and the like revolving around 'beyond blue' or something like that. I believe they're supposed to help with depression, but at the same time, I'm hesitant to actually brand myself as depressed. There are a lot more people out there with actual serious symptoms of depression and it feels like I'm playing at depression more than I'm actually depressed.

Plus, I'm not sure I'm depressed so much as I'm just lonely. It's not really a recent thing in that respect, though it has gotten stronger lately. Not that I'm sure why it has.

I think I've updated this blog enough. Maybe I'll write up something in the next couple of weeks or something, not that anyone actually checks this blog. I'm feeling like I want to write. Nothing serious mind, just...write.

Until the next time I feel an overwhelming need to share my personal thoughts to a public arena that will ignore this anyway. Consider me forgotten.

Losing

2008-04-13T01:08:00.003+10:00

I don't even know if anyone reads these anymore
"amused"

He gripped the bar a little tighter, his hands turning white from his effort. A hand gently ran down his tense muscles and he felt himself automatically relaxing under the touch.

"I thought you'd left." He had tried to sound gruff, but his voice only came out a whispered desperate plea.

He turned around to face the woman his heart had been vying after for years. She was probably more beautiful today than the day he'd first seen her, but something told him it was only because he was biased. There was a half smile on her lips that had always intrigued him and set his blood boiling, but all he could feel today was a deep sense of loss.

"Why couldn't you stay forever?" he asked her.

She made no effort to reply and he knew that if he reached out to try and touch her she would probably just go straight through his fingers. Hallucinations had their down side, but if it meant he could see her, he figured it was worth it in the end.

He stopped trying to talk to her and just revelled in the idea of her presence. A warmth flushed in his heart and he felt the world around him for the first time in weeks. The ethereal form glided closer and hugged him from behind, her arms wrapping around his body like they used to. He could practically smell her scent on the air again and a tear fell from his face to form a perfect circular dot on the hard asphalt beneath his feet.

The sounds from children playing on the beach made him look away from the setting sun over the ocean and look towards the other people around. There was a couple sitting on the beach, hugging each other as the sun set into the sea. Children were running around, trying to stay a little longer while parents watched proudly at them despite their gruff scoldings.

He felt a stab of wistfulness as he wondered if he would have ever had a chance to do something as special as that with the woman of his dreams. He watched as the couple kissed, not caring how many people may or may not have been watching. The father of the family finally swooped in, catching the children around their middles and lugging them towards the car. The children squealed the entire time and the mother just laughed as she followed them with the rest of their beach gear.

"I miss you," he whispered to the wind. The figure beside him shifted slightly as the breeze blew a little too strongly. She had withdrawn from around him and was resting against the railing, her hair gently blowing in the same breeze that reminded him how surreal she really was.

A couple of seconds of watching her shimmer in and out of reality and he looked back at the setting sun to see that it had cast the few clouds in the sky into a deep purple colour. A bird flew alone in the sky and squawked. The couple were laughing to themselves, both of them entwined to the point where you wondered if there was even a molecule of space between them.

He went back to gripping the rail, wishing that he hadn't lost what they seemed to have in abundance.

***

Her laugh filled his ears as he groggily tried to get his eyes to open just a fraction. Before he even had a chance to move, she had jumped onto the bed, and hovered over him with an infectious smile. She bit the bottom right part of her lip and he had to resist the temptation to kiss her for the sake of finding out what on earth was going on.

"I don't suppose you'll tell me what's going on," he said wryly. He tried not to breathe on her, fully aware that he had morning breath and no one should be subjected to that pain, though admittedly she'd never made a comment about it before.

"You'll have to get up and see," she said. He rolled his eyes and tried to look around her. She just followed his movements and blocked his view. Giving up on looking around her, he reached up and grabbed hold of her waist, quickly rolling them over so that he was on top.

She didn't seem particularly shocked, but then again, nothing ever really shocked her. He noticed the sultry smile she was giving him now and couldn't help but give into temptation and kiss her. He tried to avoid using tongue, but she was demanding and soon the kiss escalated until hands were clutching at clothes.

Managing to find some semblance of balance, he pulled back and gasped for air. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly as she tried to control her breathing, but her eyes told him that she had no intention of controlling anything for a while.

"Well now that I'm up," he said, smirking at her. She didn't seem to register what he meant until he'd jumped off the bed and had already made his way out the door.

He heard her yell at him from the bed but he just laughed out loud. Setting about doing his morning drill, he got rid of his morning breath and ran his fingers through his hair to look remotely presentable. As far as he was concerned, he didn't have any intention of leaving the house anyway.

He had just finished washing his face after shaving when she walked in and wrapped her arms around him. She started to draw little pictures on his bare chest and he just marvelled at how perfect they looked in the mirror.

"Hungry?" he asked. His stomach was mildly empty but he wasn't referring to that when he looked into her eyes.

She just gave him a half smile as her hands started drifting down to his boxers. He had never been as glad as he was at that moment that he'd managed to marry the love of his life.

***

Sometimes life dealt blows far worse than dying. He had planned so much, so far into the future he didn't remember that sometimes the best laid plans were the ones made up within that second before action. There was a time when he'd been spontaneous and they'd decide to go down to the beach, for no other reason than because they can, within ten minutes of waking up. Some of those days had been spent completely in bed just because neither of them felt particularly inclined to get up and start the day. He missed those times more than any other, but in the end, he missed everything.

How was he supposed to know that three years after their marriage, she'd have an accident. There was no chance to say good bye, no chance to tell her how much he loved her, nothing except the hopeful knowledge that she already knew...wherever she was.

He had cried so hard that first night. Every second without her felt like pure agony and the only thing that kept him alive was the understanding that she would have wanted him to keep going, though to what end, he had no idea. After the first few nights of loneliness and insomnia, he had realised that sometimes the best way to sleep was complete exhaustion. He put all his sorrow and all his pain into exercising so that when he had finished a day, all he wanted to do was lie down and sleep.

Despite all his exhaustion though, nothing could stop the dreams. And with the dreams came the loneliness of waking up in an empty bed. It had taken him almost three months before he could look at a single piece of her clothing without his frail heart shattering once more. After that first three months, he realised that maybe he could hold himself together long enough to make this whole world work.

There were still days when all he wanted to do was lie down and die, but gradually they grew further and further apart. By the end of the anniversary of her death, he had managed to pull himself back together to form, at the very least, a figure of a man. Not quite the man he used to be, but hopefully a man that would be able to make something of himself again.

On that day of her death, he held a single pebble in his hand as he walked to her tombstone. He kissed it and lay it upon her grave with a reverence which seemed to imply that it was much more than just a pebble. He may not have been Jewish, but he believed that the pebble would hold a much stronger meaning to him than any flower or incense ever could, though he still burnt a few sticks of incense in her memory anyway. Neither of them were Chinese, but he liked the idea of her coming down to dine with him for another night.

***

He watched her hand trembling as she clutched onto a picture that he couldn't see. Everything in his body was telling him to go towards her and hold her until she stopped shaking, to wipe the tears now falling down her face away, and maybe kiss the top of her head to tell her how much he loved her. If he hadn't felt so useless he probably would have done that, but he hadn't. He had stood there like an idiot, mute and unmoving as he watched her tears falling, her body shaking and her world crumbling. If there was any moment in his life that he regretted, this would probably be the one.

Every time he sees her picture all he can really remember is her smile, but when he thinks about her properly, the only thing he ever remembers is the moment when he'd failed to love her like she deserved to be loved. Maybe every moment you lose is the moment you regret the most, but in the end, she wasn't here and she'd never be here again.

His hand gripped the knife a little tighter. Killing himself had been a thought that always circulated in his mind, but he just never acted on it, but today everything felt so much worse. Today he couldn't forget how much of a failure he is. Today he couldn't remember the good things he'd done in his life. Today she wasn't here to remind him that he was perfect just the way he is. It's the first time he's felt like this since she left, but it doesn't matter anymore because he had plans to go to where she was.

"Omnia vincit amor," he whispered to the frigid air around him.

As his eyes slipped close, the weight of the lids too much to carry, he swore he saw her worried face watching him just above him. Then he forgot everything as his spirit dispersed into the turn of the world.

Translation: Omnia vincit amor - Love conquers all

Forget

2007-11-30T23:56:00.000+11:00

The night shifts slightly. It isn't a tangible shift but she feels it as though she was shifting with it, so she can't ignore what has happened. A silent breath is on the wind, not quite her own, but she knows it emerged from her body.

"I've been waiting."

The voice is her own, but she does not recall saying it or even attempting to say it. Despite the confusing and disturbing words, she feels oddly comforted that maybe everything would finally be over and she would never have to think about this again.

"You don't remember me," the voice states.

It's true that she doesn't, in fact she hasn't got a clue what's going on, but she feels comfortable with whatever is happening.

Whatever presence was with her disappears and she's left standing in the night, a breeze blowing her hair into her face and she can feel that the world is back to normal. A frown furrows her face as she tries to puzzle out what has happened, but she can't seem to figure out exactly what has her so tormented.

It wasn't that the voice knew her, or that the presence comforted her, it was that she knew that she should remember but she couldn't.

A whisper blows on the breeze. It isn't strong enough for her to catch all of it, but what she does catch sparks a memory that she had long buried deep within her heart in an attempt to forget it.

Soft touches from a stranger that felt oddly familiar and sweet words and promises in a voice that sent shivers down her spine. The same presence from before permeated her thoughts and she knew that this was who she had tried so hard to forget so that she wouldn't have to think about them every waking hour of every day. This was who she had fallen so deeply in love with, that the only way to move on from them, was to pretend that she had never met them in the first place.

Writing

2007-09-25T20:44:00.000+10:00

The way this works is essentially simple. I think of something and then inscribe it. The way this therefore dubs me as psychologically disturbed is the fact that I inscribe it onto my arm with a Stanley knife. One thing to note is that I’m not trying to draw blood. If I did try that, I’d be breaking a promise I’d made to a friend long ago, but I do make it go white which then turns to red. Maybe I just like watching it change colour.

It burns you know? Not a lot, just enough to give me a satisfied ‘completed’ sort of feeling, though that might just be because I wrote the entire word down. She gets worried about me all the time. They all get worried. I might be perfectly happy one second and then, wham, I’d be down in the gutter in the next second. If it lasts too long I’d wind up sitting on my bed with the Stanley knife again.

I lost the Stanley once. So I used my nails. It wasn’t as easy and it wasn’t as fun or satisfying but it got the job done. I have my theories that they took the knife and hid it, but then again, I found it again later so it doesn’t really matter. She usually notices first. Jumpers and the like itch too much for me to wear them properly and every time I move a certain way and aggravate it, I wince a little. Not everyone notices, but that just means I get to avoid all the awkward questions.

See the way it started was weird actually. We were in a tour group or something and exploring the university campus. Then I got kind of freaked out by something and clung to her arm. Not the smartest decision I’d ever made considering I was crushing on her, but I can’t remember if I knew that yet or not. Either way, clinging to her arm served to calm me a little, but I think I was more annoying than anything else so she sort of ignored me.

That’s when I decided to try nails; something to just ground me a little more and remind me that I’m real. The pain was what made me feel again and so I trusted in it. Every time I felt scared I dug my nails into my arm. Eventually it got worse. I started running my fingernails down my arm to get a bigger sting and she looked at me strangely but didn’t say anything.

After that day, I dragged my fingernail down my arm every time I got freaked out or depressed. Then it got worse. I was in English class and felt like crap so I borrowed her scissors and dug that down my arm instead just to get it to sting. Later, her only response was ‘Now I’ve got your skin on my scissors’, and then a laugh before looking at me strangely and mildly concernedly again.

That was the beginning of scissors and other sharp implements. It was also the first time I tried to write words with a sharp object. My lines turned into letters, my letters turned into words and phrases and soon I was writing phrases the moment I picked up the scissors. Technically I only wrote one phrase or one word. It was either ‘Inconsequential Failure’ or ‘Inconsequential’. I think ‘Inconsequential’ became her least favourite word in the world.

The first time she noticed it. She covered the ‘in’ and said ‘you’re consequential’. I asked her about the failure bit and she just shook her head as though it wasn’t even worth looking at. It doesn’t really matter what she says though, does it?

After a while I began to get nervous and my temper flared quickly. I hurt her feelings more than once and apologised more than once, but it never made up for the fact that I’d hurt her. I can’t look at her anymore without feeling like I owe her more than I could ever give. That added on top of the fact that I can’t really look at her without wanting to just hold her and never let go makes for a lot of awkwardness.

I guess I’m venting a little; there isn’t much else I can say. I haven’t ‘scratched’ in a while, but it’s obvious that they’re still mildly concerned about it. Now it’s just half a memory and half a lie.

Trust Me

2007-09-24T21:11:00.000+10:00

Let it slip, just that little further.
See the trees just around the corner?
I did that, but it's all for you.

There it goes, just cause you let it.
Don't worry, it'll be back soon.
How do I know? I just do I guess.

Can you still see it twirling around?
Yep, that little fella right there,
Just wait a little longer, it's coming.

Trust me? I know you shouldn't but...
Trust me? Close your eyes for a sec,
I'm not trying to trick you, honest.

Feel that there? It's come back to you,
Just like I knew it would. How'd I know?
It reminds me of me. I always come back.

Katherine Chan - 24/9/07

I Hope

2007-07-07T22:39:00.000+10:00

The trees sway in the breeze and hide me from the rain,
Catching the tears of the heavens so that I may be warm.
They remind me of you and how you used to hold me
When I was lost in the dark; so scared, confused, alone.
But you’re not here to hold me anymore, not now,
Not when I need you to save me from the real darkness.
I could scream aloud but you would never hear me calling,
You always did hate my voice. I hope my silence is pleasing,
It would be the best thing I’ve ever done for you.

There’s a scuffling sound that emerges from the bushes.
I run. Only to fall to the ground; my face landing in mud.
The tang of earth settles on my tongue, I gag and spit,
And yet the taste remains, like the taste of you used to.
It weaved with the scent of your skin to keep me safe,
To wrap around me and protect me from the demons I now face.
All my stench is hidden by the smell of death and decay,
At least I can no longer disgust you with my presence,
I hope my absence gives you all the freedom that you seek.

I lie upon the ground and feel an animal sniff my form,
I hope it thinks I’m dead and renders my flesh from bone.
My death would be unnoticed, just a body on the ground.
Just like the leaves that lie around me I would disappear.
I would return to the darkness and cease to exist again;
Who would remember me anyway? I’m just a waste of space.
That’s what you called me, that’s what I’ll always be to you,
So I hope my death gives you happiness. Know that
One more useless being is gone from your perfect world.

Katherine Chan - 7/7/07

Some People

2007-07-07T19:56:00.000+10:00

Some people deserve to hurt. Some people deserve to die and suffer for everything that they’ve ever done and all the people that they’ve ever hurt. I’m probably one of those people. I know that. I also know that she’ll never be one of those people.

I’ve been hurt a lot in my life. It’s not like I’m particularly special, pain doesn’t just seek me out, I just don’t deal with it as well as other people, I’m sort of weak. Some people can deal really well with it. They bite the bullet and they go through every day knowing that every thing is letting them down, but they’ll get through it. We all get through it I suppose; it’s just different how we go about it all.

Some people are weak. I’m weak, I know I’m weak. People can tell me to do something and if I don’t hate them, I’ll probably do it. Within reason, of course, but still, I’d do it. There aren’t that many people I hate out there, so I guess I’ll get run over heaps in my life. I’ll say I’m fairly lucky in life. A lot of stuff usually goes my way…but not always.

When I was younger…I did some stupid things. Most of the time I did them because my friend said it’d be funny and I’d do anything to please people. The teacher caught us out for it and told us off. I cried, but I remember that what she said was true. I live by that, sort of. If someone told me to jump off a bridge, would I? A saner person would say you definitely wouldn’t. I mean, honestly, it’s jumping off a bridge.

Now though? I probably would. Depending on who it was, I would jump. It wouldn’t be the smartest thing I’ve ever done but it wouldn’t be the most stupid either. People can undermine any power I’ve got simply by telling me to do something. I’m not obedient, don’t get me wrong, if people tell me to do something and I know them well enough, it’s not like I’ll follow without grumbling a little. I’d probably still end up doing it, but I’d at least grumble.

I don’t even know where this is going. I mentioned a she…a she who’s not like other people. She’s special. She makes things better. She could probably read me better than anyone I know too. Is it bad that I don’t trust her enough to tell her everything though?

Alright, I’m sort of tired, and I’m sort of depressed…again. I’m probably going to find that the fastest way to cheer up would be to kill all the people who have ever used me before. That would be one hell of a long and interesting line of dead bodies, though it’d still be ultimately useless.

I should stop. I should probably write something else now. Clear the system sort of thing.

Don't Mind Me

2007-07-07T17:24:00.000+10:00

So I wouldn't normally write this here, but I forgot that I'd actually deleted my other blog that had been set up for this in the first place.

I failed my driving test today.

That in itself doesn't really matter much but when we came home mum let it slip that dad had planned to take us to the blue mountains tomorrow to sort of celebrate. And well...I can't drive faster than 80 on my L's so it's not like we're going. Still...can't help feeling like crap for stuffing up dad's plans. Even if it wasn't 100% my fault...who knew that sitting there for 5 seconds indicating would be the difference between passing and failing.

So it's waiting until August and then hoping to pass...again...except this time I'm not gonna have anything to fall back on if I fail...

Right...vented...don't mind me

Remembering

2007-07-05T23:36:00.000+10:00

Note: It doesn't really make sense...but it made me feel a little better I guess

It’s too bright here. I can’t seem to stop seeing things and all I want is the blissful darkness to draw me in and make me disappear. Did you know that when I look into the black, sometimes I imagine I can see you? Not just see you though; it’ll be sort of like imagining what you’re doing. I remember scenes. Not just a picture of you in my head, but an entire scene that captures the very essence of who you are.

For my dad, I remember this time he was fixing something in the ceiling. He was sweating and had some kind of chalky stuff covering him. The way I remember it, he was looking up at the ceiling, the ladder was behind him, and I was still so young that I had to look up so I can see him at a sort of angle. His glasses were dirty but he looked like he was concentrating really hard and he had a sort of furrow between his eyes from sort of squinting up. It didn’t really help that there was stuff still falling down.

That’s how I remember though, just random moments that mean something to me. I still can’t figure out why that scene’s so important to me. All he does is squint and sort of look at me as if he’s wondering what I’m doing there. If I recall correctly, he told me to get something after he’d looked up. It was either a tool or mum.

Anyway, I only remember that image of him. There’re others with the family, but only one for him. Is it bad that you seem to have millions though?

I remember this one scene where I’d be rounding the corner, and the first person I see is you, and I’ll watch you for the entire time. I get to see you look up at me and say hi. I love that look you’d give, the one where you’d just be smiling at me as if you’re actually happy to see me. Though reality is you’re probably just smiling because of what someone else has said. If of anything, coming late had its rewards, but then again I was rarely ever late.

When I’m not late you’d be the one to come around the corner and you’d be listening to music or just doing something simple. I’d wish that our mutual friend wasn’t here today just so I’d get to sit with you alone for a while, but then I’d feel guilty straight after and then wonder if I was a bad friend. Still, I love watching you walk in and smile your sleepy little smile.

There isn’t much else that you’d do that I don’t find adorable or some other insane thing. I guess love really does make you do that wacky, though I’d rather if I didn’t have to be crazy anywhere near you. I can’t seem to shut up you know, I just blurt out the wrong things all the time.

The lights are dimming now. I guess I’m falling asleep. I can’t really tell anymore, I’m entirely too numb to tell the difference. It’s been like this for a really long time. People keep whispering around me and I guess there’s only one person who actually talks to me but I don’t really know who it is. I’ve been in this room for entirely too long.

The voices tell me that I need to wake up soon and that I can’t hide in here forever, but I don’t want to come out. I never want to come out again. Everything’s gone.

See, the person who talks to me tells me that you’re all outside and worried about me. They say that sometimes I get moved to another room with other people, but I never notice that. They even tell me that sometimes you and the rest of our friends sometimes come to visit me together. I don’t ever understand. I can’t seem to make sense of anything anymore.

Did I tell you that the walls are bouncy?

Sometimes when I don’t want to sit still anymore I bounce around. In the beginning they let me flail my arms about, but I got angry and sad after bouncing so I started scratching. They stopped letting me wave my arms after that. I guess they don’t like red.

There’s this other thing that I get to do now instead, it’s the only other time I really feel like I’m real. They let me listen to my music. Any type of music I want and I get to sing along and dance to it. They can’t risk me flailing anymore, so they just let me hobble around I guess. It’s not like I was ever good at dancing anyway.

Otherwise the world’s sort of like this, too bright for me to understand. It’s dark now, and you’re walking towards me with your smile again. I feel alive again now. Tomorrow’s going to be here soon, I can feel it. Maybe they’ll let me dance and sing again; otherwise I guess I’ll have to wait till sleepy time. Good night. I love you.

Drabble (Set of 2)

2007-06-19T01:56:00.000+10:00

Don't look at me, I was talking to Raybies and he said he wanted it on my blog...on another note...it's short and simple and stupid...

Drabble 1
"Well aren't you a pretty one?" asked one of the soldiers. He was a wiry sort of fellow, his face drawn into a perpetual lewd smirk and his hair matted down with oil and gel. His finger reached out to touch her face and she cringed, trying to avoid touching it for as long as possible, but she was too terrified to do anything more than sink into her seat.

"If you touch her, I'll break every bone in your body, one by one, and then reset them so that by the time I've broken the last bone, your first ones would have healed," said a cold voice from the right.

The man looked up, fully intending on making whoever it was prove that they could, but upon seeing who it was he backed away, tripping on his feet as he tried to get away as fast as possible.

If the glare wasn't enough, then just the stance and confidence in the woman was enough to make him back away. She was serious and she was coming closer. He finally turned and ran out the door, realising just how close to death he was, because that's what she was. She was a harbringer of death and a very good one at that.

The harbringer herself was highly amused with his display and just watched as he fled, allowing a slight smile when he had turned around before erupting in full blown laughter when he was gone.

"Delia?" asked the recently saved woman.

"Someone remind me why I'm working with ingrates like him," said the identified Delia.

"Because your other half is here and the only way to keep them safe is to fight here," replied a bored man from the other side of the room.

"Right, so now I'm going to get drunk," stated Delia, "Derek, hit me."

Delia started walking back towards the door she had entered by. The bar tender poured a shot and with practiced ease threw it at her retreating form. She caught it with equally placed ease and drank it in one go, throwing it over her shoulder as she reached the door.

The room's occupants all alternated between looking at the closed door Delia had just walked through and the whistling bartender who had caught the shot glass that had been thrown back at him.

"Show offs," muttled the man from before, curling up and pretending to sleep in his spot on one of the couches.

Drabble 2
Delia (because i can't be stuffed to make up a new name) walked in and headed towards her friends. Taking a deep breath she set her sights on her secret love and tried to calm herself down.

"Mer, can I talk to you for a second?" she asked, trying not to tremble.

Mer looked at her and nodded slightly, her eyes asking the question she didn't voice. 'What's wrong?'

Delia's niece noticed Delia and came running when she'd asked the question.

"Are you telling her you love her?" asked the girl.

Delia closed her eyes, almost praying that it was a bad dream.

"Way to steal my thunder," she muttered.

Delia's niece then looked at Mer.

"Are you gonna tell her you loves her too? She needs lovies," said the innocent girl.

Delia looked at Mer. Knowing exactly what her eyes were asking, 'Do you really love me?'

"I need to know if I have a chance," said Delia, trembling slightly as she said it.

"I...I don't know...I just...I can't..." said Mer, unsure of how to respond and not quite sure how to handle this situation.

Delia nodded. "Then it's decided," she said, "I'm sorry for bothering you."

Delia's brothers and sisters walked in at that moment.

"I've decided to finish the war," said Delia. Her eldest brother nodded and smiled.

"I'll tell the soldiers your decision, we'll march at dawn," he said.

"No," said Delia, "I've decided to end it, by marrying him."

The instant it sank in all of her siblings immediately started talking at once. She knew she didn't love him, and it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't let this war go on. She knew that if she didn't have a chance with the one she did love, then she might as well die. But to keep the one she loves alive, she would sacrifice her future and marry him.

"He wants a happy marriage! One with love and kids, Delia!" yelled one of her sisters.

"I'm aware of that, and I'll make sure he feels loved," Delia said calmly.

"But you won't love him," said one of her meeker sisters.

"I don't have to love him to make him feel loved," said Delia, "Look, I've decided, we'll have the talks tomorrow."

With that, Delia walked out and left her siblings still seething and confused. But worse than that, she left the love of her life behind for a future she didn't want to live.

Drabbles ( Set Of Three)

2007-06-08T00:37:00.001+10:00

Raybies said I had to post them up.

Drabble 1

She went off to study. It was a lonely three months. At first I thought it was just because i missed my friend, until I realised it ran even deeper and I missed her hugs as well. I missed seeing her eyes light up when she laughed. Then I realised, I had fallen in love with someone who thought of me as a sister and my heart broke as I listened to her tell me about her newest adventure.

Drabble 2

I kissed her one more time, lingering a little and wishing that we could stay here forever. She smiled that sexy half smile at me and I melted inside again.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you too," I replied. I knew she meant it now, I could see it, but she was leaving for an entire month. I wondered if she'd still remember me when she was there and presented with all those actresses and models she'd have to work with there. Giving her one more kiss before she boarded the plane, I watched as she disappeared into the crowd and thought that maybe this would be the last time I'd see her love me.

Drabble 3

She fixed her hair again, triple checking that her dress was crease free and still in perfect condition.

"You look beautiful honey. Stop checking already, she'll love it," said her mother.

"I can't," she replied, "What if she sees me and realises that she shouldn't marry me? I mean, what if she sees how ugly I am and realise that she deserves someone better?"

The panic was warranted but the mother had no desire to listen to her daughter put herself down. It finally hit her how well her daughter would be treated when she took out a letter from her pocket.

"She told me to give you this when you started panicking," she explained when she offered it to her daughter.

Opening the letter the bride stared at her beloved's writing and smiled. The message was so simple but it settled all her fears and she set it down and looked at herself one last time, standing up straighter as she said, "I'm ready."

The mother nodded and opened the door for her. Before she left though she glanced at the message and what she read made her smile.

"You're perfect."

Without You

2007-05-26T19:08:00.000+10:00

Title: Without You

Rating: R (except it seems more PG-13…if it wasn’t for the blood)

Summary: Hmm…well…it’s kind of short, so you could probably work it out if you read it, but essentially it’s just a fight between lovers. The thoughts and songs are in italics.

Feedback: if you think this deems feedback, good for you, I personally think that I’ve written better…

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it…not that you can really tell in this. There are also blood issues in it…kind of a deep end sort of look at heartache

Disclaimer: Songs aren’t mine, I’m not that good. First one’s Omarion – Ice Box, second one’s DHT ft Edmee – I Go Crazy, and the third one’s Brooke Fraser – Without You.

“Girl I really wanna work this out cause I’m tired of fightin’

And I really hope you still want me the way I want you”

I picked up the broken glass on the ground and watched detachedly as I bled from a small cut. The blood welled up and smeared against the glass and I resisted the urge to cry as I stared at the crumpled picture lying next to the mess.

“Are you really that stupid?! People change it happens all the time, every day, to everyone, and guess what? It happened to me!”

She had changed. She had changed so much and so slowly that I really hadn’t noticed, though that might be more because I hadn’t been paying all that much attention to her.

“You want this back?” she screamed, “Then here, take it!”

She had picked up the photo frame, smashed the glass against the table and pulled out the picture, scrunching it up before throwing it at me.

“It’s ironic,” I whispered to myself, “She acts more like she used to when she’s mad.”

I laughed to myself but the laughter soon dwindled into sobs and I had to fight to gain back some semblance of control.

“Keep your stupid memories. I’ll go make my own.”

And so she had left. Glancing at the clock I realised that it was about ten minutes ago.

“It’s not so long since I’d lost everything,” I muttered. I was still sitting where I’d been where I heard the door slam. Still the same place I had crumpled down after she had yelled and thrown the picture at me and I’d failed to catch it.

I caught my reflection in the window and stared at it.

“You’re stupid,” I informed it. We agreed and I looked at the glass still in my hand. The drop of blood had sort of dribbled a little and was now pooling into my palm. The glass was floating slightly in the middle. I frowned and poked it a little.

A need to feel something other than emptiness overwhelmed me. Clenching my fist I felt the satisfying dig of the jagged edges straight into my skin. I wasn’t sure if it had punctured through, but by the extra blood dripping out from my fist I’d wager that it had.

Holding the fist over the scrunched picture I watch as it began dribbled onto the photo before slowing to a steady drip. I stared at it and then started to count the drops, as though that would give me an answer, as if it would tell me what to do now that I’d stuffed it all up.

“You didn’t trust her,” I muttered. The drip made no response, no change in pace, and no change in destination. It all just landed straight onto the picture and starting to pool around it as well.

“Is it that hard to tell her that you think that maybe you just want her to spend more time with you?” I asked the drips.

The silence that reigned didn’t do anything except make me wonder if that was really where I’d gone wrong, where I’d stuffed up.

“You could have told her you felt like she was leaving you behind, or you could have left and then wondered whether or not she’d even notice,” I said.

Still, there was no change, the blood still dripped and pooled, the photo didn’t move, the world didn’t stop spinning.

“It’s over,” I stated. The words seemed to reverberate in my mind before it seemed to settle into some form of acceptance.

“It’s over,” I repeated, whispering to myself this time.

Opening my hand, I saw that the glass had actually cut through pretty badly. I frowned but made no move to clean it up. The blood was still coming out, pooling into my hand now, but it was starting to clot too, and it was starting to slow down.

Using my left hand, I gently picked off the piece of glass, dropping it to the ground, and then stood up. I manoeuvred around the broken glass and wandered into the bathroom. I didn’t even bother to turn on the light as I washed my wound and wrapped it in the hand towel.

Coming back out I looked at the mess on the kitchen floor and then at our bedroom in front of me.

No, not ‘our’, not anymore, it’s just mine now, until I can find somewhere else. Or maybe it should be her bedroom, and I should just move out. This place was technically chosen by her in the first place.

Walking into what I had now dubbed as her bedroom, I stared at the bedside table and the smiling picture of us as a couple on it. Taking a deep breath I walked up to it and put it face down, I didn’t really need to have to think about her right now, at least not as a couple. I knew that trying to completely stop thinking about her would be in vain.

Walking towards the window I stared out at the night sky and whispered to it, telling it to look after her for me since I couldn’t do it anymore. Then I turned, stared at the bed for a while before deciding that the ground would be more comfortable tonight, and then lay down to sleep.

“Goodnight,” I whispered to her, even if she wouldn’t hear me.

Somewhere through the night I must have fallen asleep because I woke up again. The room hadn’t changed, I was still on the floor, and the house was still silent. Shaking my head to clear it slightly I looked at the sunlight that fell on the place that my head had once been.

Frowning, I wondered if it would be pointless to ask someone to be nice and turn off the sun. The lack of serious feelings made me realise that I was still numb. I wasn’t even annoyed at the evil sun this morning, and that rarely, if ever, happened.

The phone rang and I stared at it, the knowledge of what to do with the ringing device completely leaving me.

“Ren! I know you’re there, Ren! Pick the damned phone up, your girl’s sitting here bawling her eyes out!”

I stared at the machine and wondered what it was talking about; I don’t have a girl anymore.

Another few rings and then another message, “Serena, sweetie, please pick up the phone?”

I wandered out of the room then, just walked out of the house, past the kitchen, the front door and the gates. Standing on the empty street was disorientating to say the least. I really didn’t usually get up before ten on a weekend and it was still somewhere close to seven.

“Good morning,” I whispered. Birds chirped and I smiled slightly. I got a reply.

Wandering towards the natural reserve nearby, I began to realise that barefoot and hard asphalt was a bad idea. That and the whole hand towel wrapped around my hand earned weird stares, especially if the hand towel was stained slightly red.

Though the walk was painful for my feet, it served to calm me down and when I reached our spot I was already at some level of peace.

The trees formed a circle around a couple of rocks and only a little bit of light managed to pass into the place. There was also a small stream running through towards the bigger stream at the base of the valley.

Sticking my feet into the water I shivered when the icy fingers slid from my feet, up my back and straight to my head. Cold was bad, but cold meant numb, which meant they wouldn’t hurt anymore.

Frowning at the thought I began to wonder if maybe, just maybe I could make this numb thing work properly where it was needed. Reaching my hand out to touch the water I disregarded that thought when my hand reflexively flinched. I might feel like dying but freezing to death just wasn’t on my list of things to do.

With my feet suitably cleaner I pulled them out and heated them in a small patch of sunlight on one of the rocks. The air grew warmer and I slowly succumbed to the desire to sleep and lay there in the growing sunlight to dream of happier times.

I was surprised when I woke up in a bed.

I was even more surprised to wake up in a bed with someone wrapped around me and my hand bandaged properly.

I was completely shocked to wake up in bed with her wrapped around me.

I lay there staring at the ceiling, my heart beating erratically and my breathing speeding up. I closed my eyes and a stab of fear passed through my body. I really didn’t want to go insane, no matter how nice it felt, but then again even insane people wouldn’t have managed to move from one place to another – at least not without knowing.

After deciding I was still sane, I was still left with the slight issue that she was lying in my arms and sleeping. Carefully extricating myself from her grip I ambled around the room and picked up some clothes. She probably wouldn’t want to wake up in my arms anyway; she’d said as much last night.

Dressing in nothing more than track pants and a jumper I took one last look at her before I left. She was home, she was safe, and that was more than I could ever hope to know. At least this way, she could keep the place and I could just find somewhere to hole myself up. With the decision made I left the house and headed for the streets.

I stopped paying attention to where I was going and just let my legs lead me. My thoughts were all simple, some about the sun, the breeze and the people just walking around me. I didn’t realise where I was headed until I saw the trees. Apparently my legs had decided to lead me straight back to the small grove, despite me deliberately walking in the opposite direction earlier.

Frowning I resigned myself to going there again, if for no other reason than to appease whatever subconscious desire for closure I had. I heard her voice before I saw her. I paused and hesitated but finally decided that I could just walk towards the edge and hide there so that she couldn’t see me but I could see her.

I managed to find a spot that was fairly well concealed and sat down, watching the light play over her hair and face as she sang to the setting sun.

“Just when I thought I was over you

I see your face and it just ain’t true”

The words flowed around and drifted into the trees. I swore I could see her voice playing in the breeze and drifting into the surrounding world but then again, I was borderline psychotic, the bandage attested to that.

I was still watching her when the thing crawled onto my leg. I may have a high tolerance for bugs and the like, but I can still get freaked out when it comes from nowhere.

I shouted and then sort of fell out from my well concealed spot. Her voice cut off and when I watched the bug crawl away again I cringed and refused to look behind me to what I was certain was an angry ex.

Before she could recover, I got back onto my feet and bolted – or at least attempted to. Not three steps were taken before I tripped on my own feet and landed face first on the ground. I had also reflexively stretched out my hand as I fell and my wound had landed on a rock. I couldn’t stop the yelp, borderline scream that emerged.

A hand brushed my brow and helped to lift me back up. I winced as my pants shifted and rubbed against what I felt would be a fairly large graze.

“Come on, let’s get you home,” she whispered into my ear. I neither had the strength nor the desire to run away from her so I followed her lead.

The moment we were inside she guided me to our bed, or is it her bed now, and told me to stay. She went off to get the med kit and came back with a frown on her face. I hadn’t moved an inch since she had left. I was even still wearing the slightly numb expression I had on before.

“Serena?” she asked gently. I didn’t move to indicate I had heard her. If I didn’t move, maybe she’d touch me again. She sighed to herself slightly and then began to clean up all the wounds she could see.

“Does it hurt anywhere else?” she asked with the concern evident in the way she looked at me. I wondered if the ache in my chest would be healed if I told her or if she’d just ignore it and pretend I was being stupid.

Deciding not to risk her laughing at me, I just shook my head and continued to sit there. She seemed resigned as her shoulders slumped slightly as she packed up the med kit. A few minutes later she was gone. I closed my eyes, keeping the image of her with me, how was I supposed to know when I’d see her next.

I didn’t realise I was crying until I felt the first drop on my hand. I looked at it curiously as if it held all the answers in the world.

Then she was back again, her hand brushing away all the tears, “Does it hurt?” she asked.

I nodded numbly, I decided that it didn’t matter whether or not she left anymore; I had no right to keep her here anyway. I don’t even remember when that fact had ever changed and felt ashamed for ever thinking of keeping her here.

She tucked me into bed gently, always so gently, as if she was afraid I’d break.

“Stay?” I whispered. I looked at her hopefully and took in the frown on her face. I should have known better than to think she’d want to stay with me, she’d probably just fallen asleep earlier.

I shook my head as if to reply for her, closed my eyes and burrowed further into the covers, trying in vain to stop the tears cascading. I’d cried so much recently, I was surprised I still had any tears left.

I felt cold air on my back before she was hugging me from behind.

“The sky opens up, over me and you,

And you don’t seem to mind, that we’re soaked through.

You kiss me in the rain; I forget what I’m moaning about

And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you…

I laugh at my own jokes, and what I deem to be clever wit

And you don’t seem to mind, that I’m so stupid

You kiss me once again; I forget what I’m babbling about

And I know I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I couldn’t replicate your touch

Or love anyone again as much

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

I wouldn’t be the same, I wouldn’t be the same

I wouldn’t be the same, without you

Without you

Without you…”

Her voice trailed away and I calmed down enough to start drifting off again, it had been such a long day.

“I know we have a lot of things to work out right now, but if you want to, could we try again?” I asked. I felt her shift against my back and tuck herself in closer to me.

“Right now, I just want to fall asleep in your arms. But we’ll have the long overdue talk tomorrow,” she replied. I nodded slightly and turned around a little until I could see her face properly. Risking everything, I kissed her lightly on the brow. She just grinned and snugged in closer.

I felt my heart relax slightly. It seemed as though the world wasn’t as over as I had thought it was.

How's this for something that took forever...either way, it's done now...albeit crappily

Uni Fun

2007-05-07T23:20:00.000+10:00

ahhh uni...the time of sleeping in lectures and writing random things like...

Words can only take me so far. Sometimes it's easier to just show you how I feel.

You're sitting there, talking to him, laughing with him, and I wonder if maybe I could leave without you noticing. Then I realise, you've already forgotten that I'm here.

What do I have to do to make you talk to me? Sometimes I wonder if I should just die so that you'd look at me for that little while.

My lip is bleeding, and I manage to stop biting it, but only after you've stopped kissing him.

My eyes burn with the effort it takes to not break down in front of you, but it also means that, with my eyes forced open, I have to see your happy smile from being with him and not me.

They say that every second without the one you love is like a knife stabbing through your heart and twisting. I'd say it feels more like twenty knives, at least.

You touch my shoulder and I force a smile onto my face. You ask me 'What's wrong?' and I reply with 'Nothing'. How can you still be so caring, so perfect, after tearing my heart out? Why do I still love you when you'll never be mine? Why do I still want you when you're happier with him?

See? Boring uni...oh wells

Drabble (269 Words)

2007-04-26T23:52:00.000+10:00

I dream of things that can’t be real.

I dream of things that would never happen.

I dreamt of you last night, you were perfect in your jeans and shirt, and you hugged me. Not a friendly one, but an intimate one with my leg between yours and your leg between mine and your lips next to my ear.

We pulled away slightly, our lower halves still touching, our arms still around each other, and you ask me a question.

“Are you going to kiss me?”

My only response is, “I don’t even kiss my mother all that often.” And I pull away from you completely and turn away.

I can’t kiss someone I know doesn’t want me back that way, but perhaps I am insane for not taking something that was so obviously just a dream. I wish I could see you again but you disappeared after I turned away and I never saw you again.

Is it bad that I can still feel your arms around me? That I can feel your body next to mine and we fit so well together that I wonder if we weren’t born just for a moment like that.

Either way, it’s over now. My confusion is written away and though you’d never see this, it’s still in my mind and I haven’t been able to get you out of my head for the entire day. It’ll probably still be there tonight, I can only hope.

So I’ll see you later, in my dreams, and maybe this time I’ll have the courage to do something I would never do in reality.

Drabble (819 Words)

2007-03-18T22:30:00.000+11:00

I’m sitting here alone, staring out the at the night sky. The tiny stars had yet to emerge and I was waiting, waiting for something to happen, for something to change. A small glitter caught my eye and I stared at the star, gently whispering to my ears alone:

Star light, star bright, first star of the Heavens I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might, see her again tonight…just tonight

I laugh at myself, and shake my head. Some wishes just aren’t meant to come true, no matter how much a person wished for it. The silent laughter turned into teary hiccups as I tried to control my breathing and my emotions.

Looking at the small toy in front of me I wondered if she even remembered giving it to me. I turned the bottom, winding up the spring inside and let go. A small sweet melody permeated the empty room and wafted to my ears. I closed my eyes and imagined. Just because she wouldn’t really be here, it didn’t mean I couldn’t imagine it, even if it would just be for a little while.

I didn’t realise I was crying until a hand gently brushed my tears away. I kept my eyes closed, worried that this was just an illusion and that the moment I opened my eyes, it would be gone.

The hand went from gently brushing to lightly stroking and I leaned into the touch, all the while thanking insanity for making such things seem so real.

“Why are you crying?” the illusion asked. With my eyes still closed I began to answer, telling her my tale of woe, of dreams that were hopeless and wishes that would never come true.

“Dreams are only hopeless if you lose faith, and wishes only fail when you stop believing,” she said softly.

I shook my head out of her grasp and curled into myself. I brought my legs up to my chest and put my head on my knees, effectively blocking her touch.

The sweet melody from the wind up toy continued to play and filled the silence with its haunting tune. I felt tears soak into my pants and I briefly wondered if I had obvious wet patches there now.

“Why are you hiding?” she asked, “Are you hiding from me?”

Her voice broke a little and I wondered when illusions had ever seemed so real, even to me. I lived in a world so far detached from reality that I was surprised that I even knew who I was anymore.

I pondered the question before shaking my head slightly.

“Then what are you hiding from?” She sounded confused.

“Me,” I whispered.

At first I didn’t know if she had heard me, but then a hand rested on my back and gently ran down my arm until I was forced to relinquish my hand to her; though it wasn’t as though I was actually fighting her.

She lifted my hand until it rested on her chest and I had to resist the urge to gasp. I knew I was insane but my illusions had definitely never felt this real before.

“You feel that?” she asked. I nodded as I felt her heart thump steadily beneath my palm.

“It beats for you. You and only you,” she said. I could practically hear the tears in her voice.

“I could never leave the love we have for someone else when I depend on you to let me breathe and live. Without you, I’m nothing,” she continued. There was a ring of certainty and strength in her words that made me believe. It was almost as though I couldn’t think that her words were anything but true.

“Will you look at me? I miss your eyes,” she whispered. Her voice was vulnerable and her hand was trembling slightly. I reached out my other hand and held her hands in my own.

Keeping my head down, I put my feet back on the ground and breathed deep, trying to savour this, just in case it was just a dream.

Finally lifting my head to look into her eyes, I noticed the tears that were sliding down and I instinctively wiped them away. She gave a small smile and I suppose that I was giving her the ‘confused look’ that I sometimes made when I was at a loss as to what I should do.

I didn’t know what to do, what to say, and all I could do was keep holding her cheek. Realising that I was probably being stupid, I began to withdraw but she instantly put her hand on mine to keep it there.

“I like it where it is,” she said simply at my questioning look.

“I like where I am,” I replied.

And outside, a star glowed just a little brighter before disappearing, its life gone with the wish it had given.

Drabble (186 Words)

2007-02-13T18:23:00.001+11:00

One day, just one day to forget everything. If we wiped our minds and pretended nothing had happened, where would we be? There’s this person. Alright I’ll be frank and say that this person is more than that to me, but for the purposes of this I suppose just calling them a person would be safer. So they mean…everything to me.

That sounds so corny, I’ll start again. They’ve become so much to me that no matter what I do, somehow I always wind up thinking about them.

That still sounds corny. All those stupid stories of love and perfection aren’t always stories but right now I’m feeling as though it is. Where does that leave me though?

So they don’t believe in love. Or well they probably do but they have no intention of considering that it’s anything important or …well I suppose they don’t think they’ll find it.

With that said…I’ve run out of things to say…what happens to the person who has fallen in love with someone who doesn’t believe in or trust in the power of love? Where does that person go?

Drabble (245 words)

2007-02-08T01:46:00.000+11:00

She jumped up and started cheering, she'd finally figured out the right coding to get the task done. Happy and cheerful she forgot that her girlfriend was home and in the next room and ran outside whooping and cheering.

The moment she saw her girlfriend she stopped and blushed a deep red from embarrassment as her girlfriend just looked at her with a smile and confused look on her face.

"It's...nothing. I just...kinda forgot you were home," she said. She ducked her head and went back into her room, cursing herself over and over again. How could I forget that my girlfriend was here, not only that, now she knows I'm a dork!

Sighing, she sat down at her desk and stared at the screen, the recent joy forgotten in the light of this new development. Her girlfriend walked in and turner her around.

"Sweetie?" she said, trying to look into her lover's eyes.

"Baby, you have to understand, I love you for everything you are and because of everything you do, don't hide it from me? Don't hide from me?" she asked quietly.

Her girlfriend's last question was said so softly that it was almost lost in the room but it she heard it and lifted her head up to meet her girlfriend's face.

The smile that lit her face made them smile at each other before eyes started flickering to lips and they sealed the moment with a kiss.

It was a promise...

Ray said I had to post it up...

The Joys of Making Up (Part 3)

2007-02-04T00:31:00.000+11:00

final part then...

Title: The Joys of Making Up (Part 3)

Rating: R (it could probably be passed off as PG-13)

Feedback: it’s not like most people give it anyway, but if you can be bothered thank you ever so much…

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it.

“Senna, wait! Please!” I yelled. She just kept running and we headed into the woods that were near the town. I normally went here when I needed time to think or just time to relax. I knew them like the back of my hand. I knew that the ground was covered in brown leaves that were almost close to black. I knew that there were rocks around the path that were covered in moss that was so green and soft that I sometimes wondered if maybe it was how carpet was first decided upon.

I also knew that past that rock there was a huge tree that could have three people hugging it just to surround it. And I knew that the track that she was currently running on ended at the river and that the river was somewhat deep and extremely cold.

As she ignored my calls again, I could hear the sound of water running and knew that we were close. I didn’t want her to fall in, but I knew that if she did, I wouldn’t even hesitate to jump in after her.

“Senna, wait! I beg you! Just hear me out!” I yelled. My voice was dying. I could feel it slipping away and I briefly wondered how I was going to talk to her if I couldn’t talk at all.

“Stop! It’s a river!” I screamed. Finally stopping in front of me she turned around and by the moonlight I could see that she had been crying badly.

“Senna…”

“What?” she interrupted. Her tone was harsh and I winced without meaning to. She seemed to hesitate then but seemed to decide I wasn’t worth opening up to and forgiving.

“Hilary’s an ex,” I said.

“So it’s Hilary now?” she asked bitterly.

“Baby…”

“I told you! You have no right to call me that,” she interrupted again. My heart was tearing in half but I nodded and swallowed my pain. I just needed her to understand the situation; she could make her own decisions.

“We went out for a while but I couldn’t get over you, she was my first mistake,” I said.

“First? Does that mean there are others?”

“Just one other and we’re still friends,” I said.

“Just friends or fuck buddies?” she asked harshly.

“Senna…”

“Is this what was on your mind this morning? You know what…I can’t do this right now… I just need some time. I’m just going to get my stuff and move into the hotel,” she said. Her voice trailed away into a whisper.

“Don’t,” I said. She looked at me questioningly and for a moment I could have sworn I saw her heart breaking.

“Just stay at my place, Hilary sort of owns the hotel. I won’t go home tonight, just please, please don’t leave the house, I don’t want you to get hurt,” I explained.

“I think it’s a little too late for that,” she said wryly but nodded her acquiesce and took my keys.

“Can you take me back? I’m not all that certain where we are,” she said. I nodded and we walked back in silence. I tried not to look at her, knowing that I didn’t have the right to, not unless she let me.

As we entered the house she turned to me and spoke, “I’m sorry about tonight. I just…need some time to figure this all out. I don’t know if I can do this. Not again.”

“I just need to go get some stuff. It doesn’t matter where I go, just…call me if you need me, I’ll have my phone with me,” I said.

“What’s your number?”

“I never changed it,” I replied, “I thought that if you ever tried to call, that you’d be able to.”

She looked away from me and I went into the bedroom and packed an overnight bag. I figured I might as well go to Amber’s place. I sighed. Amber was my best friend here; she was also my other ex. Figuring that there was no other place I could stay anyway I called Amber and arranged for me to stay there for a few days.

I didn’t even see her on the way out and I held in all my pain and all the tears as I walked to my ex girlfriend’s house. Albeit the friendlier one. The moment Amber opened the door, I burst into tears and she just held me as I cried until there was nothing else to cry about. Amber had deserved so much better than me. I wasn’t even in the relationship and she was so caring that I knew that she needed someone whose heart would belong to her alone.

“What happened?” she asked gently. We had moved into her living room and I was curled into her side. There was silence for a while but Amber just waited until I had found the right way to begin before I started telling her about the last few days. She was silent as I went over everything, minus the more intimate details.

She finally just told me to go up and sleep because she was going to paint tonight. I nodded and went upstairs, going through the nightly rituals before falling asleep with Senna still on my mind.

A hand was running through my hair and I figured I was still sleeping. The faint scent of Senna hung in the air and though I was tempted to check, I was afraid that opening my eyes would make it disappear.

“Morning,” whispered the Senna into my ear.

I kept my eyes closed and committed it to memory. As far as I was concerned, she didn’t even want to be anywhere near me ever again, and I was liable to agree with her.

“Del…” she whispered again. I bit my lip and hoped that she’d stop doing that. To be honest it was turning me on.

“Please baby? Open your eyes?” she begged. I considered ignoring her, but my entire being was rebelling against that thought and so I opened my eyes.

I lost myself in her eyes. I forgot everything, the fight, where I was, I even forgot to breathe for a moment. Then reality came crashing into my life again and I wondered if I’d taken this a step too far.

“D-did you n-need s-s-s-something?” I asked. I was so nervous and so afraid that I was stuttering. She frowned and I wonder if I said something wrong again. I hadn’t felt this self conscious in years; I thought I had gotten over it by now.

“Del…sweetie…” she trailed off and I looked at her questioningly. If she was here to break it off officially she wouldn’t touch me…right?

I closed my eyes again and started muttering to myself and repeating dream out loud over and over. She hadn’t called me sweetie in years. There was no way she would start now, no matter what had happened to bring her here. It didn’t matter how much I wanted it to happen, this was definitely a dream. It’s the only logical explanation.

There was the sound of her getting up and the door opening and closing. I couldn’t help the tear that came out. Even in my dreams she didn’t want to stay.

The next thing I felt were lips on my cheek, brushing away the tear and its consequent trail. Those lips gently followed the trail back to my eye before kissing that lightly. The entire time that she moved I felt like my heart had stopped beating.

“Sweetie, we need to talk,” she said.

I held my breath and nodded slightly. She sighed and somehow I knew that she was frowning.

“I’m sorry for doubting you,” she started, “It’s just that I never dated. I felt like I was cheating every time I even looked at another woman. Is it stupid of me to think I’m cheating when I’m technically not even yours anymore?”

She laughed at herself and I had to open my eyes. I didn’t want to see her hurting but I knew that if she was I had to stop it.

“Baby…” I started, then flinched when I realised what I’d said.

“Let me finish?” she asked. Her voice was small and I wanted to run to her and hold her, just hold her in my arms, but I waited in silence for her to continue.

“The thing is, when they told me I was accepted, I had seriously thought it’d never happen to me. I had been so surprised that I really didn’t know how to react. Then you told me to go and I just thought maybe you’d grown tired of me and wanted the excuse. You stopped telling me you loved me everyday…I didn’t know what to think.”

Her voice broke off and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I just got out of bed and walked the one step towards her and held her. She clutched onto me as if there was no tomorrow. We stood there and I did my best to convey how much I loved her just through my touch. After a while she continued speaking albeit into my neck.

“You never tried to call, and I had tried calling you so many times, but I just couldn’t do it. The job wasn’t as great as it seemed. Every single time I went over something, I’d think of you and lose concentration. I couldn’t walk into that building without thinking of you at least once, so I gave up and quit. When I came back here, Marie and Erica said you’d already gone…so I figured you’d moved on and I tried to move on…but I didn’t get very far. I’ve changed about fifty jobs trying to find one that didn’t remind me of you every few seconds and then I find one that seems alright, and the second thing I need to do brings me right back into your arms.”

She laughed at herself but it turned into a gentle sobbing.

“Baby,” I sighed. She didn’t do anything to acknowledge that she’d heard me but somehow I just knew she had.

“I love you. I always have loved you. I’m sorry if I didn’t tell you enough, because I thought you knew and I felt that love with every single breath I took in every day that I was with you,” I said. She clutched at me tighter and I kissed the top of her head.

“I love you” she said into my neck. I laughed. She looked at me, partly confused and partly hurt.

“My neck appreciates it,” I said jokingly.

She smiled and kissed me. In between kisses she managed to say, “I love you.”

She rested her head on my shoulder and we just held each other, revelling in the feeling of just being close together again.

“We still have a lot to talk through,” I said. She nodded in response.

“Are you going to try?” I asked lightly. She looked into my eyes.

“Sweetie, I would do a whole lot more than try,” she replied. I felt relieved that she saw through my façade if not a little nervous. I had so many secrets, so many insecurities, but maybe we could work it through together.

There was hope then, there was always hope.

The Joys of Making Up (Part 2)

2007-02-03T00:08:00.000+11:00

It’s a very short update…to appease Goldie…and Ray hehe

Title: The Joys of Making Up (Part 2)

Rating: R (for bad bad thoughts…)

Feedback: yes please “smiles”

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it.

I woke up to the sun in my eyes. Considering the window faced west it wasn’t comforting to me. I had entire projects I needed to finish today. Looking down at the woman entwined with me I couldn’t help but relax slightly. She always seemed to manage to calm me down, even if she didn’t know it.

“Morning,” she muttered. I was still stroking her hair and I wondered how I had managed to live so long without her in my arms. The feeling of contentment that filled my entire being made me determined to keep her this time, regardless of how selfish it seemed.

She turned and looked at me, resting her chin on my chest.

“What’s wrong?” she asked me. Her smile faded and a look of worry passed over her face.

“Nothing,” I replied, wondering how she could possibly see through me like that.

“Liar.”

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind,” I said.

“Care to share?”

“Maybe later, right now I have to work.” I regretted leaving, but the projects wouldn’t wait and in all honesty, I needed the money. Pulling away from her and getting dressed, she sat up and watched me from the bed.

“Why do you always do that?” she asked. I looked at her but her face was merely curious.

“Do what?”

“Leave when I want to talk it through,” she replied. Her arms were crossed under her breasts and the fact that she was naked didn’t help my concentration levels. If I wasn’t so determined to work and finish off those projects I would have seriously considered jumping into bed with her again.

“I have projects to work on,” I said, shrugging slightly. I felt sort of sticky from last night’s activities but not uncomfortably so. Knowing me, I’d probably work up another sweat just doing the projects so I saw no reason to shower. My mind turned to more practical things and I grabbed my tool kit off the ground and was headed out the door before I had even registered that I was still talking to Senna.

I turned around and walked back into my room, dropped the tool kit by the door, and then planted a hot, sweet and entirely too short kiss onto her lips. Her surprised face was even more surprised when I stood up and headed back outside again, taking my tool kit along with me.

“Oh no, no way are you doing that and then leaving,” she said, coming out of her haze. I merely smirked at her before shutting the door behind me and making my way to my workshop.

Five hours later I had managed to sort out a few of the projects and done the next step in most of them. Most of them only needed a layer of lacquer. After that I was going to have to dry it off for a few days before packaging it and sending it out to whoever had requested it. It was when I had one more project left, this one still in the beginning stages of sanding and gluing that she came into the workshop.

I looked up at the noise to see her standing there sipping a glass of juice. For some reason I couldn’t stand the taste of water unless I was so thirsty I’d drink anything. For that reason I left a bar fridge in my workshop so that I didn’t have to dirty the house just for a drink.

“Hey,” she said, watching me work. I bit my lip and proceeded to keep working. I had forgone music today for the sole purpose of being able to hear her if she came in.

“I was wondering when you’d find your way down here,” I said. My shirt was already stuck to my back, I had been sanding for a good while now.

“I needed a shower,” she said simply. The thought of her in the shower alone was enough to raise the temperature and I felt my ears burning in response. My mind was entirely too dirty for my own good.

“So, I was wondering if you’d like to go out when you’re done,” she said. Though she seemed composed and her stance didn’t suggest otherwise, the moment I looked at her I knew exactly how nervous she was. Her eyes were still stuck on the wood I was working on and her hands were gripping the cup as though it would save her when the bad news came.

I frowned. Did she really think I would say no after last night? I stopped working and walked towards her. Her eyes stayed focussed on the box I had been making. I stood in front of her and reached up to touch her face, gently turning her head so that I could meet her eyes.

“Baby,” I whispered softly. She looked at me and I saw her lip tremble. I hadn’t called her baby in so long.

“Do you really think I’d say no?” I asked gently.

“No?” she said lightly, but the tears in her eyes betrayed her. I couldn’t resist her allure and just hugged her tight, holding her in my arms.

“Baby, I could never say no to you,” I whispered into her ear. She just started crying and I held her as she soaked my shirt with her tears.

“I’m sorry,” she finally said. She pulled back and refused to look me in the eye.

“Baby, if you’re going to date me, you have every right to do that. Though I’d rather if you didn’t, I kind of get confused when you do that and panic heaps,” I said. She laughed and I felt like the world made sense and everything was perfect.

For a moment we just stayed that way, and I felt content just holding her in my arms as we stood in the doorway of my workshop.

“Does that mean you’ll go out with me?” she finally asked.

I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Yea, it’s a date,” I said, winking at her. She smiled and kissed me lightly.

“I do believe you’re supposed to do that after the date,” I commented.

“I just thought you might want it early, but if you’d rather I not…”

“No way,” I said. I pulled her in for another kiss, this one lingering slightly.

“I need to get back to work, but I’m going to consider this a date. I’ll see you later, wear anything you want,” I said, bowing slightly and staying bowed.

“Does this ‘anything’ include nothing?” she whispered teasingly in my ear. I had to gulp to resist the temptation to ravage her. Her breath was hot against my cheek and I closed my eyes to savour the feeling.

“See you tonight,” she said and then disappeared before I had a chance to open my eyes.

Sighing in defeat I returned to my work, turning on my music to get her out of my mind, except it was so much easier to concentrate when we weren’t together. Mentally shaking my head to clear it I started sanding the side of the box, a stupid smile permanently fixed on my face.

Finally finishing off the final few shelves, I stuck them down and then held them with a clamp. Wiping my face on the towel I kept here, I sighed happily and started making my way upstairs. It was a good day’s work today.

Checking the time, I figured I should probably get dressed for dinner tonight, it was already almost seven. Humming a light tune I picked out an outfit and then went into the shower. It was satisfying to watch the water turn a little black from all the grime I had picked up from the day.

Dressed and ready, I went out of the bathroom and went back into my bedroom, to grab my wallet and keys. I was admittedly slightly masculine in my refusal to use a purse. Curious as to where she had hidden herself I wandered downstairs and into the living room.

Senna was curled up on the sofa and sleeping. She was dressed in a short black dress that seemed to hug her frame and I had to remind myself not to drool. Sitting next to her I tucked some stray hairs behind her ear and kissed her forehead gently. She mumbled in her sleep and opened her eyes a little.

“Are you ready?” she asked sleepily. She rubbed her eyes to get rid of the last traces of sleep and I couldn’t help but smile at how cute she was.

“Ready and waiting,” I replied. She nodded and sat up, looking at me properly for the first time. I watched her eyes darken and briefly wondered if we’d actually make it outside for our date.

“You look…good” she said, gulping in the middle of the sentence.

“You look better,” I said smirking. She looked into my eyes and I had to gulp as I saw the fire burning in her eyes.

“We should probably go to the restaurant,” I squeaked out. She smiled and nodded. She knew exactly what she was doing to me and loving every minute of it.

It was a fairly short walk to the restaurant. Everywhere was within walking distance of everything else. It only took twenty minutes to walk all the way around the town, but it meant that the restaurant was pretty much run on friendship basis. It also meant that I’d probably see half my friends in the place.

Opening the door for Senna, I let her walk in first before walking in behind her. Silence reigned when she walked in and the moment I walked in the whispers started. I figured that if I was going to date her, I should probably introduce her to everyone.

“Hey everyone, this is Senna,” I shouted out. They all looked at me and there was a second of silence as they all registered the information and realised exactly who she was. The response was mixed. There were some that were happy that I had her here, and from the looks of it, back again, but there were those that thought she’d hurt me again and didn’t want her anywhere near me.

Senna looked at me questioningly, she really didn’t want everyone looking at her, and with some of the glares that were directed at her she was feeling extremely uneasy. I kissed her gently and took her mind away from it. When we broke the kiss, I stared into her eyes and begged her to trust me. She smiled slightly in return and looked down, blushing, she never was one for public displays of affection.

When I looked around, people who had been disapproving or sitting on the fence just nodded their acceptance. We were together and I was happy, that was all they needed to know. However I didn’t notice Hilary walking towards me from a corner of the restaurant. Unlike other people she seemed to live off hated looks and thrived under their attention.

“So who’s the slut?” she asked in her sickeningly sweet voice.

“Do you mind? I’m trying to spend the evening with my girlfriend,” I replied. My voice was as neutral as I could make it, but Senna must have sensed how angry and annoyed I was because she threaded her hand into mine. Her touch calmed me down almost instantly.

“Ah right, you did say her name was Senna,” she continued without even heeding my warning. The way she said Senna made me want to pummel her into the ground and scream that she had no right to ever say that name again. Yet Senna’s hand in mine stopped me from even responding to the comment.

“I don’t know who you are but I would seriously consider leaving,” said Senna. I looked at her and I could see her possessive streak coming out. I had asked her about it once and she has simply replied with ‘nobody messes with my girl’.

I couldn’t help the grin that crept onto my face. Hilary was nothing compared to us and I seriously considered just walking away with Senna. Dinner was overrated.

“Senna, you might not know much, but know that when this night is over, she’s going to end up in my bed again,” laughed Hilary. Senna’s smile was gone and her brows furrowed in confusion.

“Again?” she asked, letting go of my hand, “What does she mean by again?”

“Baby…”

“No, tell me what she means,” she demanded.

“It was when we were apart,” I replied.

“Funny, she made it seem a whole lot like you were still together then.”

“Baby…”

“No! You have no right to call me that anymore,” yelled Senna. With that she turned and left the restaurant. I glared once at the smirking Hilary before running out after her.

The Joys of Making Up (Part 1)

2007-01-29T19:54:00.000+11:00

I uhh....added a bit to the end...YES THAT MADE IT NC-17...blame Ray

Title: The Joys of Making Up (Part 1)

Rating: NC-17

Summary: Someone leaves, another one leaves, and then they meet again (though not where most people meet) I supposed you could call it a continuation of Del/Senna. Goldie also told me that I wasn’t allowed to kill Del, so it’s going to have a happier ending. Ray told me to do NC-17 so…I’M SORRY INNOCENT PEOPLE!!...just...skip some parts… (For the sake of the innocent all sections which are blotted out are NC-17…read at your own risk)

Feedback: I want it, you’ve got it. GIMME!

Warnings: it’s FemSlash (f/f) so if you don’t like those pairings, don’t read it. It’s also NC-17 for a reason…that is R 18+ for anyone unfamiliar with US ratings

Two years, three months, two weeks and five days.

Add in about ten hours and twenty-seven minutes and you’d have the amount of time she had been gone.

I picked up my coffee mug which deceptively had no coffee in it and stared at the empty place where coffee was supposed to be. Sometimes life just wasn’t fair. I sighed and stood up, it was late already anyway and I figured I might as well start working.

We had lasted the entirety of uni. That was an entire five years. I guess I was surprised we lasted as long as we did and I suppose I had been expecting to have ended sooner which only served to soften the blow when she left. It wasn’t a simple, I need to go downtown sort of left. It was more of a, I’m going overseas, don’t come with me I want to start anew and I honestly don’t think we’re worth it sort of left.

I mean, she kept in contact with Marie and Erica but the only thing I ever heard from her was a random email about the weather. Then again, that was only once and I haven’t heard from her since.

That led me to moving too. With hugs and teary farewells I moved to a small town pretty much in the middle of nowhere. I am essentially the resident handy-(wo)man and spend my days fixing up the houses around me for fairly low prices. On the side, I’m just a carpenter who makes boxes, cabinets and drawers and sell it out to people that may want it. It’s a limited demand so I make most of it on weekends and spend the rest of the week doing repair jobs around town.

It was a simple life and it was relatively easy but it was work that took my mind off everything and for that I was grateful. The less I thought about Senna, the less it would hurt me wondering who she might be with now. It was while I was working on a specific box that I received a call from a fairly big company that wanted to buy my designs and talk to me about a contract with them.

After a long debate with Jen – and when I say long I mean two month argument – I decided to consider it if they would give me more information. Which was why I was waiting in the only coffee house in the nowhere town I lived for a Mr. Jameson or something along those lines.

When the bell went for another visitor, Zach came in from the back and prepared to serve the customer while I kept reading a new book I’d picked up. It wasn’t until a minute later that I realised that Zach was calling me. Looking up I glanced at him before my eyes landed on the one person I never thought I’d ever see again.

Senna was standing in the coffee shop looking about as shocked as I was and just about as confused.

“Del?” she asked. Her voice was soft and she sounded so surprised that I knew she didn’t even have a clue I was here. For some reason that cut me deep to know that she would never have come here to see me of her own accord.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I mentally winced at how harsh my voice came out and even Zach seemed to sense the tension in the room and silently left the room.

“I’m here to meet with the carpenter hereabouts. I haven’t really taken my time to read the profile. I was early so I figured I’d have time to sort it out before they came. Until Zach sort of pointed it out that you were it,” she explained. Her face flushed a little when she realised that she had rambled slightly in her attempt to soothe the tone I’d spoken to her in.

“I need to go,” I said shortly. She seemed hurt at my tone but I really couldn’t deal with it right then. I wasn’t over the shock that she was physically near me again, and if I was honest to myself, I didn’t want to risk letting her break my heart again.

Back at my house which doubled as my workspace, I went upstairs to my bedroom and stared at the photo sitting on the side of my bed. I had tried dating other women, two in total, but neither of them had worked out. Mainly because I couldn’t let go of Senna and though one of my exes had a hard time dealing with that, the other seemed to understand and we had become friends. Though in a town as small as this, everyone was a friend and the few that became enemies usually had the entire town on two different sides.

Everyone knew about my bad break up with Hilary and though she couldn’t let go of it, the entire town forgave me and was only civil to her because I had asked them to let me handle it myself. Though I really hadn’t done anything except change my locks and make sure she couldn’t get into my house while I was sleeping at night. That was one bad incident that I would rather forget.

Yet now the woman I had been pining after for the last two year was back again, and for the purpose of discussing my contract and my work. How was I supposed to look her in the eye knowing that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore and yet having no choice because it was her job? Frustrated and annoyed I jumped and landed on my bed with a giant sigh, trying to stave off my frustration by being physically more active.

Staring up at the blank ceiling I decided to work. It was what I usually did when I didn’t want to think, though to be honest I would usually end up thinking about her anyway. For no other reason than because the first box I had ever made was made for her.

Getting off the bed, I changed into my working clothes and tied my hair up properly so that it was out of the way. My clothes were stained from all the times I had worked in them but they were still comfortable and that’s all that really counted to me. It was essentially just a singlet and some fairly thin cotton pants. I didn’t really believe in using machines so most of my work was done by hand. The sanding on the other hand I would settle for using an electric one as well as a drill. Some things were just better done by power tools.

Walking down stairs and then out to the back where my workshop was I didn’t really focus on anything except the designs that I was going to use for the next box that had three buyers. Trying to get the perfect cut or the perfect tint is next to impossible when working with wood. Despite my need to perfect my work, I still couldn’t get her out of my mind and I spent half the time wondering why she had returned.

Finally giving up, I changed back into my slacks and grabbed a cup of hot chocolate. Staring at the little bits of chocolate floating around, I thought back to the fight we had had before she had walked out of my life.

“Del?” asked Senna, her voice full of surprise.

I looked up at her from the book I was reading and waited for her to continue.

“I got accepted,” she said.

It took me a second to fully comprehend what she was talking about, but when I did I couldn’t help the pride smile that broke out on my face. I stood up and hugged her.

“Congrats baby,” I said cheerfully. I kissed her gently and tried to coax her back to me from whatever world she had landed herself in with her thoughts.

“I don’t want to go,” she said nervously. I stared at her.

“Why not?” I asked in disbelief. I pulled away from her and tried to look into her eyes but she kept her head firmly down.

“I…can’t,” she whispered.

“Why?” I lifted her head so that I could meet her eyes and what I saw had me in a panic. There were tear tracks running down her face and her eyes were still watery.

“Baby what’s wrong?” I asked. She dropped the letter in her hands and hugged me tight, her face buried in my shirt.

“I don’t want this to end.” Her muffled explanation confused me and I considered drawing away from her to question her but I knew that she just needed to be held right now. There was time for questions later.

I took her to bed and spent the night just watching over her. She fell into an exhausted sleep around four am and I finally succumbed an hour later.

When morning came she was still lying next to me. I knew she wasn’t asleep for no other reason than because she always woke up earlier than me that and the small circles she was drawing on my arm gave her away.

“Want to talk about it?” I asked. She had been so worried she wouldn’t get the offer that I had done everything to calm her. At this moment it still hadn’t hit me what accepting it would mean for us.

“I don’t want to leave,” she whispered.

“You’re not leaving, you’ve just got a job,” I said perplexed.

“Yes, a job in America,” she muttered wryly. For a moment I was stunned. I had sincerely forgotten that it was in America. I didn’t even remember that the job was on the other side of the world. Who would have known that a job would be the one hurdle we couldn’t jump.

“You can still do it,” I noted.

“And us?”

“Long distance…”

“Long distance never works,” she interrupted. She was annoyed and frustrated and I knew that making her choose between me and her dream job was killing her.

“We’ve never even tried. How would you know?” I countered.

“Remember Alex and Fiona?” she demanded.

“They aren’t us!”

“They could be.”

“You don’t know that,” I tried to soothe. She leant on her elbows on top of me and looked at me. I tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked. I looked her in the eye and thought about it, settling for honesty.

“No, but I know what this means to you and I’m not standing in the way of it,” I replied.

“So you want me to go?”

“I think you should. I want you to stay.”

“So you’re telling me to go even though you don’t want to?” she clarified.

“Pretty much, yes,” I said. She looked into my eyes and I don’t know what she saw but whatever it was seemed to settle whatever was troubling her. She got up and out of bed, moving towards the bathroom.

“Then we’re over,” she said simply.

“What?” I asked, shocked. She closed the bathroom door and before I could open the door again she just called out.

“You’re going to be late if you don’t go now.”

I had glanced at the clock and tore out of there without a second thought. I needed to get to uni for my final exam. I figured she was probably joking, that she wouldn’t leave without at least saying goodbye, and that this could be dealt with later. Except later was when I walked into the apartment we shared and noticed that everything had already been packed away and cleared out. The house was already devoid of her and her set of keys were sitting on the table without a note or anything.

Holding my head in my hands I sighed and leant back in my chair. How was I supposed to deal with her back here again with that type of departure? I didn’t even get a goodbye and she expected me to be calm about seeing her again? I didn’t even know she had changed jobs. Especially since the job she had left for had been her dream job. And now she was back in Australia.

Closing my eyes I rested my head on the back of the sofa and just waited, sorting out my thoughts one by one. Who was I to say anything though? After she had left I hadn’t even bothered to find a job following the degree I had gotten. It reminded me too much of her. Essentially everything did, but just seeing the word engineer would make me remember times when we would study, me lying on our bed with an engineering textbook and her sitting at the desk writing up notes for her thesis on nuclear research and specific types of effects that could be harnessed for stronger links to power efficiency.

I laughed at myself. She may have gone to America to get her dream job as a nuclear researcher, but she was somehow here in Australia in a business industry that was trying to buy my designs. I laughed at the jump in her career choices and the laughter slowly died and turned into sobs. Why had everything gone so wrong?

Somewhere along the lines I fell asleep on the chair. The next thing I knew I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. Getting up and still half asleep I answered it, slightly groggy.

“Yea?” I asked.

Senna looked at me and her mouth twitched slightly as she tried not to laugh.

“You haven’t changed,” she said jokingly, “You still look cute when you just wake up.”

As she realised what she had just said, her smile faded and a pain entered her eyes. I couldn’t help the echo of pain that went straight to my heart nor the pain of knowing exactly what I had lost.

“Did you need something?” My tone was still harsher than necessary but I didn’t want to let her in, not after last time. I was being stubborn and perhaps I should just forgive and forget but she still looked perfect and I couldn’t help but want her all over again. I could still read her reactions and though others wouldn’t have noticed her imperceptible movement, I saw her flinch and felt an answering stab inside.

“I’m here to go through the paperwork with you. It’s simple and it should be done within a few hours,” she said softly. I heard a slight tremor in her voice but wasn’t sure what it meant.

The internal debate was settled with the thought I don’t care what she’s here for or how she left, I just know that I still want to be with her.

Opening the door a little more to let her in, I couldn’t help but give a half-smile. I didn’t trust myself to do much else and I knew that I was nobody around her. At any rate, I was just basking in the knowledge that she was around me again.

“It’s nice,” she said.

I wasn’t sure how she wanted me to react but the comment made me feel light headed. She liked where I live.

“Thanks,” I said. I guess I could do something right.

“Just sit down and make yourself comfortable then,” I said, playing host, “Would you like something to drink?”

“Water’s fine,” she replied, setting down a bag I hadn’t even noticed she was carrying and taking out some papers.

I wondered if she had changed all that much in the years we had been apart. Hoping that we hadn’t, I mixed some cold water with lukewarm water to make it chilled like she used to like it.

Accepting with a small smile she took a sip and I watched as her eyes widened slightly. Curious as to the explanation of her reaction but unwilling to verbally question her, I simply took my seat next to her on the only couch in the room and thus only available seat.

After a few hours of discussion which was purely work I noticed that it was beginning to get late and wondered if she was hungry or had anywhere to stay.

“How much longer will this be?” I asked after I had finished filling in a few more details.

“About three more hours I suppose,” she replied. Sighing and rubbing a hand over her tired eyes.

“How about I just make something for dinner and we can continue this later or something?” I offered. She looked at me surprised, as though she hadn’t even considered taking a break, at least not one with me in it.

“If you want to stop we could just continue this tomorrow,” she said resignedly. We both knew that the chances of us finishing tonight were slim to none.

“Where are you staying?” I asked, determined to at least know that much.

“I was just going to find a motel somewhere,” she replied. I looked at her incredulously and she looked away.

“You might as well stay here, I don’t think any sane person would want to live in the only motel hereabouts,” I said, my tone suggested that I wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“I don’t want to be a bother,” she muttered.

“I don’t want you dead,” I countered.

She looked at me curiously and I shook my head, now was not the time to explain who Hilary was and I didn’t think she’d really care about it in the first place. Though Hilary would definitely consider her a threat and I really didn’t want to know what she would want to do to Senna.

“Just stay here for the night, you said it yourself that this shouldn’t take more than three hours. We can continue it in the morning. I’ll make us some dinner,” I said. She nodded slowly, not quite sure what was going on but willing to accept at least that much.

“Do you need any help?” she asked.

“Nah…I do it all the time now. Sort of had to get used to it,” I explained. I went into the bathroom and washed my hands.

“Where’s your gear?” I asked when I came back into the room.

“In my car,” she replied, closing her bag and checking to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything else.

“You can get what you need now and just stick it in the bedroom; it’s the door on the right up the stairs. The other door is the bathroom, feel free to shower and freshen up. Dinner should be ready in about half an hour or so,” I said. She nodded as she digested this information.

I left for the kitchen before she had even made a move to stand up. It was while I was preparing the food that I heard the front door close and I let out a breath I hadn’t realised I was holding. Something told me that she was going to upend my entire life again.

Dinner was a simple matter. It wasn’t like I was a culinary chef or anything, but living alone had forced me to learn how to cook, for no other reason than because I couldn’t stand eating the same food every day.

There was however, a stony silence between us while we ate and though I might have seemed to be ignoring her, I didn’t know how I could watch her or converse with her. I knew that if I looked up from my food, I’d see her eating, and for some reason I had always found the sight to be entirely too sinful to be normal.

After dinner, we resumed talk of the contract before finally calling it a night around 11 pm.

She stared at me when I told her that it was late. I used to sleep around three in the morning, sometimes later. I just shrugged and told her that I’d shower and do all my nightly rituals before letting her use the bathroom. She agreed and we separated. Once again, she was left to pack away the documents while I prepared the normal habits I had seemed to accumulate over the years.

Standing in the shower, I realised just how much of my life had been reduced to habit. I had stopped doing anything remotely resembling spontaneous since she had left. At first the habits had just been something to do so that I could stop thinking about her, but then I had just given up on doing anything else. I briefly wondered if the habits that I had accumulated were just so that I could stop living and just exist.

After a quick shower I was about to go down the stairs when I saw her standing in my room. Peeking in, out of curiosity more than anything, I watched as she reached out to touch something on my dresser. Trying to remember what I had put there, I had to stifle a gasp when I realised I had left a picture of us there.

I must have made some kind of noise because she started speaking.

“Why did you keep it?”

Her voice was soft and lacking any discerning emotion. Her back didn’t help to provide any information either. I figured that she didn’t want to think of us like that and tried to find the most passive way of replying. I really didn’t want her to leave.

Putting my entire being on the line I decided that the truth was probably the best way to go. She didn’t deserve lies and if I was going to do this, I had to be honest, if of anything so that I wouldn’t drown in regret.

“I’m not over you,” I managed to say. It was barely above a whisper but she heard it anyway and I saw her shoulders slump a little. Realising I had likely over-stepped comfortable measures I remembered the reason I was looking for her in the first place.

“The bathroom’s free. I’m going to sleep now; I’ll be on the couch downstairs if you need me. You might want to close the door as well. I wake up a little early,” I said hurriedly. I left before I got a reply and almost ran down the stairs in my haste to get away.

It was later when I was lying down on the less than comfortable couch that I heard her come in. I shut my eyes and breathed evenly, assuming sleep position.

I felt her smile more than anything else. I also felt her come closer and brush some of my hair out of my face.

“I know you’re not asleep, at least I’d like to think I know, but if you don’t want to talk to me, you don’t have to. Just know that I’m not over you either. I never was and never will be.” Her voice broke slightly in the last sentence and I resisted temptation to just open my eyes and check.

“At any rate, good night, I guess I’ll see you in the morning,” she whispered. She touched my brow one more time before moving away.

For a single moment I was never more aware of what I may be losing if I didn’t do something. Reaching out instinctively, I caught her hand before it had fully cleared my personal space. My eyes shot open and I looked into her surprised eyes. Studying her face, I saw tear tracks and instantly felt like an idiot.

We stayed like that for a while, the silence slowly turning awkward. Finally breaking the silence I said the only thing in my mind.

“I don’t know what to say.”

The admission made her release a laugh. It wasn’t really much more than a break in tension and her laugh wasn’t more than out of relief, but I couldn’t help the feeling of pride for managing to make her laugh, even if it wasn’t a giant display of mirth.

She gave me a half grin that melted my insides all over again and I couldn’t help but return the smile.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she said gently. I nodded my understanding and swung my legs around, never letting go of her hand. She looked at me curiously and I just stood up so that we were almost head to head. She was still taller than me and a smile tugged at my lips. I looked into her eyes and brought up my other hand, gently brushing away the dried tears on her face.

I felt her tense slightly, as if she wasn’t fully sure what to expect.

“I know we have a lot to work through. I know that we still have so much to work out, to catch up on and I know we need to know if we’re still compatible. But for tonight, just for tonight, can you let me show me how much you still mean to me? I’ve only had dreams and I don’t know if I can handle going through another night without you in my arms,” I said. I hadn’t stopped the reverent touching of her face and she shivered slightly from the light trails I was drawing on her face.

Our eyes met and I swear I saw her soul there. As though finally deciding something, she nodded slightly before grabbing my face and kissing me passionately. Tongues duelled and deeply buried fires were reborn with a vengeance. Suddenly I couldn’t get enough of her.

Just touching her wasn’t enough. I wanted, no, needed to feel her. I needed to hear her call for me as much as I had called for her in my heart and mind. I needed to know that I could still make her lose her mind. I needed to know that she was still mine.

Our lips were locked as we tried to make it to the bedroom. Admittedly we were slightly distracted with everything else whilst trying to get there. Shirts and pants were thrown haphazardly as fast as physically possible. It meant that by the time we had reached the stairs, one of my hands was palming her breast while the other was pressing her closer to me in the middle of her back.

“Off,” I demanded. She instantly pulled off her bra. Before she even had time to return to our kiss, I had latched onto a breast and proceeded to bite and suck on it. Her moans did nothing but encourage me and after a few minutes of one I moved onto the other one.

By now we had given up on making it to the bedroom and so I had just pushed her up against the wall and began running a hand up her thigh. The moment I had almost reached where she wanted me most, I traced up the other thigh from her knee. After a few times of doing that she was groaning and trying to force me to move closer with her body.

“Tell me,” I whispered.

“Please,” she begged.

“Please what?”

“I need…”

She closed her eyes and I felt her entire body sigh when I finally touched her gently. I pulled her undies off and ran a finger along her slit. Her gasp made me do it again but she had other plans. Her hips bucked against me as my finger slipped in and plunged deep into her. She let out a moan and grinded against my hand.

“You’re so wet,” I moaned. Her only response was a guttural moan.

I slipped a second finger in and set a slow pace.

“Harder…” she begged.

Pushing deeper into her with every thrust I felt her tremble around my fingers and savoured every moment of it. “…oh gods…faster…please…” Her words began to come randomly interspersed between moans and I obeyed her. I felt her reaching the brink and decided to prolong the experience. Slowing down again I felt her nails dig into my shoulders.

“…no…please…don’t …stop…”

Unable to deny her this pleasure I sped up again. This time, as she reached the brink again, I pressed hard onto her clit and she screamed out my name as her muscles quivered around my fingers. I slowed down and let her ride out her orgasm as she came back to me.

Soaked in sweat and though content for the time being, she looked into my eyes and I knew that the night was far from over. She stripped me of my remaining clothes and then dragged me upstairs. The night was soon lost in moans and screams as we worshipped each others bodies.

Part 2 will come....soon...

Bleed To Forget

2007-01-16T00:26:00.000+11:00

Title: Bleed To Forget

Rating: R I guess...death doesn't really let you say anything but R

Summary: Love, Death and all that...

Feedback: For this? I don't particularly want it...it's sort of personal.

Warnings: Suicide!! Don't read it if you're queasy about blood and the like.

I’m sitting next to the phone. I know he’ll never call because I’ve told him not to, but some small part of me wishes that he would, just so that it would stop hurting. There’s a ring and I snatch up the receiver only to hear an annoying telemarketer reply to my excited “hello”.

I hang up without listening, nothing’s worth listening to if it isn’t his voice.

There’s nothing to do around here anymore. It was stupid of me to think that telling him to leave me alone would help me get over him. All I had now was a sick feeling in my chest.

Every day was the same. I stayed inside and stared at the four walls surrounding me, trying to find something to take my mind off the loneliness that was permeating the air. I had tried to go outside, but everywhere I turned I had thought I had seen him and my heart would speed up, wishing it was him and that he would see me and hold me again, but it never is.

How am I supposed to wake up everyday thinking about him and knowing that he would never think about me? How am I supposed to go through life knowing that he doesn’t need me to live?

Trying to stop the tears from coming, I bite my lip and stare hard at the wall, trying to count the number of dots that aren’t there but I can pretend are. When the feeling passes, I let go of my lip and taste blood. I had bitten on it so many times in the last few days I don’t think it will last much longer before I bite right through it.

A knock on the door makes my heart skip a beat and I’m almost running to the door. The person on the other side is someone I neither want to see nor hear from but she is angry and determined. I had hurt her friend and I deserved all the punishment in the world.

“How could you tell him to leave you alone like that?” she demanded.

I cringed but kept my peace, figuring that she would leave when she had said her mind.

“He’s hurting so much from how rude you were and I honestly don’t think you’re worth defending,” she continued to rant.

Every word cut into me. I was hurting him by being away from him, and I was hurting myself as well, so why should I continue. Before I had managed to finish formulating the idea, I realised that even if this was hurting him, he wasn’t hurting as much as me. We were friends but for him it was nothing more and I didn’t want to feel the amount of pain I was feeling just for that little scrap of pleasure every time he smiled at me.

Shutting the door in our mutual friend’s face, I ignored her protest and settled for staring at the blank walls around me. I had taken away everything that reminded me of him, which was essentially everything. All that was in the room was a chair and the only reason that didn’t remind me of him was because it reminded me of my parents more. They had given it to me when I had moved in. I slept on the ground and stared at the walls all day. I knew that I had no more electricity but I never tested the theory. I didn’t need light when my life was so dark.

It was time now anyway. I couldn’t take it anymore. He didn’t love me, he didn’t need me, at least not like I needed him. I took out the knife in my hand. I was a waste of space now. I wasn’t even alive inside; it was time that my body followed my heart.

My body was functional and others could use it, people that needed it to live, people that would live. The cut is deep – deep enough for blood to well up instantly and I watch the blood dribble down my arm. I hold a new towel under it and wait for it to soak up. I had only recently bought twenty of them for this.

The blood was slowing down and I frowned. I would need to bleed more. Bleed faster. This was taking too long and it wasn’t working.

I lay down a few towels until they overlapped to form three layers on the ground before lying down on it and proceeding to bare my legs. Cutting deep I winced from the sharp pain I felt when the blade dug into my flesh. The blood began to run, it wasn’t as slow as before and I felt light headed.

Lying completely on the towels, I recut my arms to make sure that it was still deep enough before changing hands so that the other arm was bleeding too. As I passed into sleep I smiled again. At least I wouldn’t have to think about him ever again.

Living Through Tonight

2007-01-15T01:34:00.000+11:00

If I told you, would it really make a difference?

I ask myself that over and over again as I look at you. I can’t help it that I find watching you somewhat soothing. Nor can I help it that for every time you walk past me and hug someone else, I feel like my heart is breaking.

There are memories where we used to be closer. We used to laugh and chat a lot and sometimes I’d just read over old conversations just to remember that once upon a time, you didn’t ignore me. I know it’s stupid to want you the way I do, but I just wish that one day I had enough guts to tell you that you are and will always be perfection to me. I may move on, but I’ll never forget you because you are the first person I can truly say I love.

It didn’t occur to me that it was love until I realised that I was more concerned about your feeling and well being above my own. We used to go out with friends and when we parted ways I would be waiting online for the next few days for you to just sign in and assure me that you were safe. It didn’t really matter to me that I probably seemed like an idiot to the rest of my family. I just needed to know.

You don’t read this stuff anymore; you have better things to do if of anything. You disregard all my personal messages in my name as just me being me. Did it ever occur to you that it’s about you? I know that you probably couldn’t ever see me the same way, but for all my arguments that hope is stupid and pointless, I can’t help but hope you know.

This is a huge risk for me. On the oft chance that you read this, I’m most probably going to kill myself knowing that you’re trying your hardest to pretend I don’t exist. Either that or you’re trying to figure out the nicest way to let me down without hurting me too much because we have mutual friends and they’d kill you if you hurt me like that. But I can’t be certain about that.

People would probably settle me down to being insecure right about now. I am. I know I am. But there’s also that slight problem that I’m afraid and will probably always be afraid of the rejection that you’d certainly deal to me.

So I’ve said my peace. You broke my heart again tonight and I know you probably don’t really care, but I still felt it and I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep because of it. As my personal message now says: If I did something wrong, if I've hurt you some way, please forgive me; you're breaking my heart every time you turn away.

For all intents and purposes this is just a random story, and I’ll have changed my message before you sign in anyway. Not that you sign in anymore – at least not as often as you used to. I wish you knew how I felt so that you would know exactly what was happening to me every time you ignore me, but I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemies.

Drabble (190 Words)

2007-01-14T01:02:00.001+11:00

She smiled. It was a cute little half smile that made him feel giddy inside and for a brief moment he wondered if he had gone to heaven because there was no way a mortal could look so perfect. His angel just nodded a few more times to something that her friend said and then walked towards him.

“Hey,” she said. Her sweet voice rolled over him and for a few seconds he was too stunned to respond.

“Hi,” he finally replied. She looked at him curiously.

“So I was wondering if you could do me a favour,” she continued.

“Anything…”he said, almost drooling.

“Close your mouth first,” she said laughingly. Instantly his mouth snapped shut.

“Now close your eyes.”

He did as she asked without hesitation.

She kissed him gently and before she could pull away he responded and drew her closer to him. When they finally parted he opened his eyes and stared into hers.

“You cheated,” she whispered.

He looked at her questioningly, unwilling to destroy her sweet voice with his harsher one.

“You opened your eyes.”

He just laughed, closed his eyes and kissed her again.

Drabble (280 Words)

2007-01-14T00:31:00.000+11:00

Alright, this is simple, he told himself. Just walk in, tell him and then leave.

Nodding to himself in assurance more than anything else he stalked up to the front door. He stopped one millimetre from knocking before turning around and running back down the path.

Still panting slightly he looked at the dark mahogany door in front of him and closed his eyes. “I can do this,” he muttered to himself.

Holding his head up higher he walked back down the path to the door, each step more hesitant than the last and his head lowering the closer he got.

Just before he touched the wood, he stopped, his hand shaking.

Closing his eyes, he thought, for her, and then knocked twice. The sound made his entire body tremble and he briefly considered running down the path again.

“Can I help you?” asked a deep voice. Opening his eyes he looked at the formidable man standing before him.

“I’m here for you daughter?” he asked, squeaking.

The man looked at him appraisingly before he was turned around by a stunning woman.

“I’m here,” she said, hugging her father, “I’m going now dad, I’ll be back soon.”

She twirled past her father and towards her date.

“Have fun baby,” he said, giving one last stare to the boy.

“She’ll be back before 12!” he yelped out.

The last thing he saw before the door shut was the man smiling and drawing a finger across his neck in warning. The boy ran like mad to his car and breathed a sigh of relief when he reached it alive.

Smiling to himself he thought, that went better than the last twenty-two times.

Drabble (166 Words)

2007-01-14T00:14:00.000+11:00

He looked at her.

“Truth or dare?” he asked, lifting the bottle up in salute.

“Truth,” she replied hesitantly. Playing this drinking game with her crush was possibly the most stupid thing she’d ever decided to do.

“Two swigs first!” he commanded, laughing at himself. In all honesty, she was far from drunk. Her alcohol tolerance was obviously a whole lot higher than his. After the two swigs, she felt a slight head rush but still wasn’t even tipsy.

“If you could live anywhere, where would you live?” he asked. Figuring that he was too drunk to even listen to her answer, she replied honestly.

“If I could live anywhere, I would live in that moment just after we hug and before we let go.”

He stared at her.

“You mean that?” he asked. All traces of drunkenness disappeared and he stared intently into her eyes.

“Yes?” she whispered nervously.

“Good,” he said. Leaning in and hugging her.

“I live in this moment too,” he whispered.